My little parker has been charming the pants off me.

Despite a very nasty eczema flare up with icky crusty scabby bits he has been happy and, mostly, without temper tantrums. My boy is very passionate. He feels everything to the extreme. Anger, frustration, love, joy.

He takes me through my paces on a daily basis. Making me breathe deeply when he throws things in frustration or hits me because he can't have his way. My goal has always been to help him learn how to express himself without having to resort to aggressive outbursts.

It has been a tough road. He is not there yet. But slowly, he is learning.

The bonus of these extreme feelings is his snuggly lovingness. If i toss and turn in the middle of the night he will sit up and give me a kiss and rub my back. If he sees that i am sad he will reach up and grab my hand. He, absolutely, cannot start the day without several minutes of giggles, tickles, and kisses.

When he is sick he asks me to go to bed with him saying "it makes me feel better."

He loves his family. Every morning when the kids get ready for school he gets sad and asks me if they can stay home. We spend our days together doing errands, cleaning and hanging out at the school. All of it is just biding time for him till he can see his siblings again.

He is such a lovely little boy. I feel so happy to have him in my life.

Parker and i just returned from five hours in emergency. Asthma and eczema flare-up. I am exhausted.

We did get to go on a field trip today that included an awesome tractor-pulled hayride around a 200 acre dairy farm. That look on his face? Pure rapture.

My kids school teaches in themes. At the beginning of each year the kids pick six themes and the year focuses around each theme in six to eight week groupings.

At the moment they are doing the mandatory, by ministry of education standards, safety and anatomy.

It has been driving parker to all kinds of deep thoughts. He has been somewhat focused and fearful of death for some time now. He seems so young, at three, to be worrying about such big questions.

Learning about anatomy has amplified his fears. We are in the midst of dealing with daylight savings and can i just say that one hour can really screw up a household? So, he's up at 10pm. Refusing to sleep - or even try.

He just came out of his room and said "Mommy! I have a tummy ache."

"It's because you're tired. Go to bed." I said.

"NO! It's because i'm hungry. I'm hungry and if i don't eat i'll die. Right!?"

"Well. Yes and no. Here's a cheese stick."

A few months ago parker bit me. I pushed him away and his tooth chipped.

On tuesday morning he is going to have dental surgery to pull out the now dead tooth. He will be sedated.

This is the fourth time i will have to watch one of my children put under anesthetic. I am dreading it. It is like watching them stand beside deaths' door. Their little bodies totally unconscious. Then walking away, out of the operating room. It is the longest, hardest march to that waiting room.

I realize that these are minor surgeries, minor things. It doesn't matter when it is your own child. Every risk is one to be weighed and measured. Agonized over.

I would have left that dead tooth sitting there, despite how it makes me sad every time i look at it and think about the circumstances that caused it, but it causes him some pain and it could, possibly, affect his adult teeth.

I don't like taking risks with my kids. I do, however, like them to take some risks. To try something new, to try something that frightens them, to try and eat something green.

All of this to say i am a little nervous. A little scared.

Parker encompasses all of me. He is all the good parts and all the bad parts of me. I love him limitlessly.

Parker has been sick most of the weekend. Running an alarmingly high fever and throwing up. General malaise.

He has also been the very sweetest little boy in the world.

Last night as he was starting to feel a little better and had managed to keep down some tylenol he looked at me earnestly and said;

"Momma?"

"Yes, parker?"

"I don't love you when i'm sick."

"How come?"

"I just feel too barfy."

"That's okay baby. I always love you."

And then he leaned in and gave me a kiss on the end of my nose.

Have i told you lately how much i love this boy?

Parker, my only child who doesn't go to school, has been with me every moment over these past couple of months.

The hardest months of my life.

I look at his beautiful face sleeping beside me. No matter how sad i was as i trudged up the stairs to bed, lying besdie him, smelling his still sweet sleepy breath, i knew that i had to make everything okay.

I had to make peace with my heart. Let happiness live side by side with the despair.

Parker has the most dynamic personality of all my kids. The highest highs and the lowest lows.

He loves to kiss me and hug me. He rubs my back when i lay down beside him. Asking me if i'm feeling better.

He is the perfect bookend to my children.

Today is parker's third birthday.

Aside from my sadness that he is three and really not a baby anymore i feel so happy to have him in my life. As he opened his presents tonight he exclaimed;

"wow! you guys sure got me a lot of stuff!
i'm a lucky little guy.
awesome!"

Parker has been perfect to me since the moment he was born, quietly and planned in a sterile operating room, while the student nurse wept quietly in the corner. It's not the perfect vision, but it's mine. All of my other kids were born under stressful conditions. As they wheeled me down the hall with him in my arms i felt like the luckiest person in the world.

I cherished those first few days alone with him in the hospital, despite the onset of the predictable red-headed response of infection in my body.

After eliza was born we were pretty sure that we had enough kids, sure enough that shane booked an appointment for a vasectomy. I remember a few days after i came home from the hospital finding some sample jars and stuff from his missed vasectomy. It was kind of a profound moment for me. The way life can change on a moment in time. A moment where you sleep in instead of heading to an appointment.

I was so full of love for parker from the moment i saw him, before i saw him. I loved being pregnant the fourth time around. It took me that long to really let go of my insecurities and love that belly. I loved every moment. Every twist and turn.

In the months after he was born i was desperate to have another baby. I mourned and was angry that when the doctor leaned over and asked shane if we wanted my tubes tied "while he was in there" that i didn't speak up and yell "no!"

I didn't. And now i can't have another baby.

Recently i'm okay with that though.

I guess since weaning parker in the spring i've realized that i'm pretty damn lucky for what i have.

Four beautiful kids - 3,5,7 and 9.

Happy birthday parker.

xxoo

It was a day and what a day it was.

Last night going through my old photos i was struck by that old cliche of how time just sneaks by you. The days are so long, but the years so fast. Three kids in school. How the hell did this happen to me?

Eliza was fine, great. Excited and ready. Full of anticipation. When i asked her about the best part she said;

"I'm excited to learn new things."

Really. It was a perfect day.

We spent the afternoon at the lake enjoying the last few hot, hot days before fall comes. Playing with friends. Balancing on logs. Building (and wrecking) sandcastles.

Dinner of tacos, everybody's favourite, and toasts of high points of the day, and the best parts of summer, and the most exciting thing about school starting.

Despite my past complaints about attachment parenting i am dreading the end to my little family bed. There was a period of time when we had two queen sized mattresses on our bedroom floor with five of us sharing - that was a little too much for my claustrophobic tendencies. But, now that we are down to a normal bed with our last little baby sleeping between us i am in co-sleeping bliss.

I have been lucky with bedtimes because as the (formerly) nursing mother i had the baby all to myself. Shane put the other kids to bed. Somehow i have held on to this routine. Now that parker is in that funky needing a nap, but not really needing a nap stage, on the days he does nap it can take an hour or more after stories for him to fall asleep. On nights when i have a meeting i freely let him nap his heart out during the day because i know i won't have to deal with the extra long routine.

Mostly though, we climb into bed, read a few books and i sing him a few songs while tickling his back and he drifts quickly and sweetly into sleep. I often lay with him a few extra minutes just to breathe in his still sweet toddler breath and study his little face, trying desperately to hold onto all the little toddler nuances. The still turned up nose, the chubby cheeks, the open-mouth breathing. Last children are so bittersweet. Although i would like to have time alone in bed with shane, i find myself discouraging the big boy bed we bought parker at christmas that sits unused beside ours.

Often, in the moments between wakefulness and sleep parker and i whisper sweet nothings to each other. I kiss him and tell him how much i love him. That he is my baby. He always answers the same:

"But mom, i'm a little big boy."

"yes you are. but you're my baby too."

"i love me mom."

"i love you too."

This year parker has spent many afternoons playing with older boys. He's even had a few over for "playdates." Tonight as i was putting him to bed he told me he wanted to have a sleepover with roman, his favourite eleven year old.

"but where will you sleep?"

"i'll sleep with his mom and dad."

I don't ever want this to end. This parenting babies and toddlers and preschoolers too. All of it. It goes by so fast.

As i've said before shane has been recording songs at home. The kids have watched with a keen interest and have spent many of our quieter summer days forming a band.

In singing class* at school they learned the apology song by The Decemberists. Since then every single time we are in the car we have to listen to it and we ALL sing it at the top of our lungs. We are the popular choice for carpools.

So, with Toby on bass and electric guitar, parker on vocals and eliza on acoustic guitar they have been rehearsing. Parker mostly sings the ABC song, but it has been a highlight of the summer so far for me. While i am away next week shane has promised me that they will record it and i will definitely post it for all of you upon my return.

* I made a CD for the teacher with that song on it and he liked it so much he taught it to the kids.

** My camera is still wonky. I was able to get a couple photos off it, but i'm going to go get a new memory card tomorrow and hopefully that will work.

Shane is away. He's away and i'm really enjoying it. We had and easy dinner, a frolic in the woods and the requisite giant slumber party in my room.

As i was laying there waiting for parker to go to sleep i was struck by the little moments. Tristan was reading her archie comic busting a gut. That girl has the strangest sense of humour. I frequently hear her cracking up in her bedroom to books. In a way i think it's her letting us know that she's up there awake. A little jubilant "hi!" from the eight year old girl.

Toby and parker were both lost in their own little dream worlds. Parker was singing something along the lines of:

twinkle twinkle little truck
abcdefg
all us travellers in the night
itsy bitsy dumptruck
now i know my abc's
thank you for your tiny light.

Toby was squeeking away in a high pitched whisper yell about "cougars in the box...(something, something)" followed by a raucous "in the hole little mouse...(something, something.)"

Eliza was asleep. She was suffering from post-birthday stress all day. Twirling her new gold chain with a heart pendant non-chalantly in front of everyone. Hoping for it to be noticed. She fell asleep before she could finish "Toby and parker are keeping me....(up)"

How wonderful. How lucky i feel during those moments and not just because i know that they are almost asleep.

Shane and i have both been overwhelmingly busy with our own things. We are getting along fine, really well actually. We are just not connecting in that way, the way that husbands and wives sometimes do. Some of them even get to do it in bed i hear. For us long term family bedders the pizzazz of the bathroom counter or rug burn inducing playroom floor has long lost it's sparkle and a good old bed in the missionary position sounds almost kinky.

*ahem*

What i meant to say was that we have no time together. Yet we sit side by side on the sofa at night laptops in, well, our laps and television on. Frankly it's boring and i welcome this little change to my routine. Except that all my favourite shows (sopranos, big love and huff) are not on this week because of memorial day. Stupid memorial day.

Seriously, i thought i had seen it all when it comes to kids and toddlers. But parker? He is kicking my ass big time. Even his adorable cuteness and giant hugs and kisses and eyelashes from here to there are wearing thin. Perhaps it's the visiting of family or the huge surge of hormones that had better damn well only be my period coming, but the boy is hell on wheels. Or anger turned up to 11.

Today started out well enough, we set out on a morning of visiting with cousins and shoe shopping (them not me unfortunately.)

We went back to grandmas for lunch and down time before i left for my haircut. I have short hair and in my entire life and numerous tries i have found one stylist that can cut my very thick, coarse and curly hair. She is in vancouver. I make regular visits to my parents house under the guise of family bonds so that i can get a decent cut. Parker, being parker, is not only a mockery of the terrible twos, but also, very clingy - suffering from major seperation anxiety. Damn that attachment parenting again. So, parker comes with me on my cuts.

Today's appointment came at that ungodly time; the time when toddlers should be napping but refuse to and are thus rendered incapable of anything but emotion intense.

The minute we walked in the salon he slammed his matchbox cars on the ground and began screaming and crying. He beat me about the chest as i was getting my hair washed and my stylist, bless her, still tried to give me her wonderful neck massage during this scene. What a total waste of the best thing that happens to me without the expectation of canoodling.

I had booked an appointment for a cut and colour. But quickly resigned myself to just the cut and we all know that a great cut can only be awesome when highlights are attached.

The afternoon continued in similar fashion reaching it's logical conclusion when my 91 year old grandma came to visit in the middle of massive temper tantrum number 12. She lasted 4 minutes before she braved the steps back out of the house with a quick wave to my nasty son and slipping ten dollars to the other three for putting up with the beast.

Tomorrow home. Putting ad in paper under "free for all."

• I'm feeling much better thank you. My wrists and middle finger are coming along nicely. I've been doing the hot/cold baths which really work - thanks ade! And i've been taking glucosamine and my multi vitamin plus! Omega 3's. I'm not sure what helps what, but my general sense of well being is highly improved.
• Also! I've been drinking smoothies. Yogurt, banana, berry and flax. Yum. Seems to be taking care of the nasty yeast that's been plaguing me since i was pregnant with parker. I've been trying to lose the five+ pounds i gained over the winter and as of today i'm down 4!
• All of you are so nice. As far as my little scuffle with anonymous email'ers goes. I'm okay, really. I think i was just taken by surprise because i'm really not that popular and i've never had anything resembling the negative come my way. I thought that was for the cool kids. Eh, whatever.
• We took all the kids swimming yesterday. Fun, fun, fun. We had dual changing room experiences - boys and girls. For us girls we enjoyed a ten! year old boy with his overprotective mother changing with us. Poor kid.
• The boys had the ever curious parker who while watching his daddy change in the busy saturday afternoon changing room said "daddy you have a really big penis!"
• I had a very happy husband for the rest of the weekend.

We spent the afternoon playing outside as these kids are driving me crazy! When they ride their bikes on the driveway i usually put a few cones at the end of it so that people don't turn in quickly. Parker turned the placement of the cones into a major power struggle. Most of the time when he has a little spaz i find it hard not to crack up right in front of him. So today i photographed the whole thing (which really bugged him.)

So behold the beauty of a 2 year old tantrum in photos:

You see this cone? I want this cone "ON THE ROAD!" Mom says "But parker we don't put the cones on the road. They'll get run over."

I'm gonna show you, stupid cone! (Chuck #1) Stupid mom! The cone goes on the road!

There! Now i'm walking away and you better not touch that cone!

The cone? It was getting a little sad.

So, i tried to move it. Which resulted in chuck #2.

"Go away. It's perfect."

Then i came over (laughing) to move it which resulted in chuck #3.

At which point in time he changed his mind and decided "NOT ON THE ROAD!" and chucked it into the ditch across the road.

Where he ran back to protect them when i came near. "GO AWAY!!!! LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!"

Then he came back over to our side of the road and nonchalantly attempted to kick the other cones into the ditch on our side.

When that failed we had chuck#4.

And that was the end. And soon after he walked away like this.

And that is why i love two year olds.

I was just snuggling with parker and reading him some books (again). This boy, he loves them books. Sometimes, when i see him come walking around the corner with his seventeenth stack of books in an hour, i run and hide. Please don't ever let him have difficulty with reading or writing because i will surely look back on those moments and feel really bad.

Anyway, I said to him; "i really love you parker, do you love me?"

"I love you and dedmumblemumblemumble." He says.

"You love me and dad?"

"I love you and dedmumblemumblemumble." He says.

"You love me when i'm dead?" Worried.

"I love you in bed!" He says frustrated.

"You love me in bed?!"

"Yes, it is so good."

Perhaps the family bed was not the best option.