All i really want is to be forgiven. To be treated as a normal human being who is deserving of respect.

My oldest daughter was having a very difficult time in middle school. Just not fitting in socially. She would come to me in tears several nights a week because she "had no friends." She may be a little awkward socially, but she is vibrant, smart, silly and loves to laugh. She would be a great friend. I know that because she is my friend.

We stayed up late on sunday night talking together. I felt helpless to offer advice that would really help her. No matter how much i would like to i can't make people like her and frankly the thought of other children not being nice to her hurts me to my core. I offered her the option of going back to her old school, the school that we pulled all the kids out of. She said yes.

On tuesday morning she jumped out of bed and happily hobbled on her casted leg into her old school and the arms of her old friends. I stopped by at recess and watched her from my hiding place in my car with a group of girls and boys giggling and laughing. A face filled with joy.

Tears ran down my cheeks. Relief and joy to see her happy again.

Also a little sad. I want to be happy again. I want to have someone's arms to run into. Someone who will forgive me and make me laugh.

Last night i sat down with a friend and poured out my soul. My fears, my desires, my struggles, my life. It had all been sitting there needing to come out. I have spoken with many people over the past week about what is going on in my life. Told them bits and pieces, not wanting to share everything, scared to share everything.

I have had a lot of advice. All of it good. All of it needed. Some positive and some negative. All of it very similar.

All of it leaving me with a sinking feeling in my gut.

Last night i was given better ideas. A little bit different. I had clarity on some core problems with my life. I need to make some changes.

Internal and external.

I start working with a new life coach this week. It seems like an extravagance in many ways, yet, i am very excited to work on myself. With guidance.

It feels strange to be feeling like something is lost today when so much was won yesterday.

Today i feel like the innocence i once had is completely gone. I've negotiated my way through many twists and turns in this life. But, this year, i have found a heart that was lost.

I found my heart. It is a sad and broken thing, but it is mine.

The innocence i lost, the thing i lost today? An idealistic dream that someone else could take care of my heart. Could take care of me. It is my heart and mine to take care of. I am the only one responsible for me. I can't always be doing what i feel is right for others at cost to me.

It all sounds so simple. Just like the little lessons i try and teach my kids. Nothing is simple.

The complete breakdown of a marriage is always two sided and it is a terrible thing. Good people make bad decisions. Good couples don't always make it. Don't always make it through.

Today is not a great day. The towel isn't thrown in yet, but like in a boxing match, both sides are holding it in the air, ready to let it drop.

I know i frustrate you with my ups and my downs. My circles. Always coming back around.

For me, i see it more as a spiral. Each rotation is a little off the epicentre. The bottom. The bottom was the deepest darkest days. Back before my marriage exploded. Back when waking up was a near impossible exercise. When i retreated to my bed at every opportunity. Some days i barely made it out. Some days i barely got through, i would say i didn't get through them. I was a shell of a person. Ghostly and pale. Completely lost to the present.

I am not that anymore. The most important thing to me is to do everything in my power to never be in that horrible place again. I will always do these laps. This happy/sad dance. It is in me. It is at the root of me. It does not define me. But it, sometimes, blinds me.

When i write about these emotional waves it helps me, you help me, to pull myself back to centre. Back to middle. Middle isn't the best place in the world, but it is living. It is able to see the good and the bad. To feel, and accept, the high and the low and know that these are all normal feelings. That i can live with this.

Don't be alarmed by my meanderings. I am going through a very difficult stage in my life. I am focused on a positive outcome, no matter what it may be. I want this to be a learning and growing experience. I am on a mission to know myself, to let my self be known to me. To have faith that self is important.

I'm having a difficult time seeing the forest for the trees.

The unsettled feeling in the air. The economy, our elections, your elections, famine, disaster, random acts of violence, poverty. It seems so simple, how to fix things. But sometimes the fixing is so much harder than the living with.

I am sorry. So sorry that a thing that was once pure and magical was destroyed by me. I am sorry that the world is being destroyed as well. I am sorry that the future my children could have had is gone now. I am sorry that we all lost our innocence, our childish thinking that everything would work out fine.

I am touched by the beauty around me. It has been the most beautiful autumn i can recall. The colours are vivid, popping to the point of surreal perfection. The glow of dusk leaving me dizzy. It has been cold and sunny - my very favourite weather combination. Scarves and cardigans, thick socks and knee high boots.

I am touched and moved to tears by everyday moments. The kids skipping out of school. Boys wrestling in the evenings. The determination in my daughters eyes as she struggles to get around on crutches. Little boys in halloween costumes.

I feel emotional. Moody to the point of exhaustion.

When you break a persons heart it is very hard to mend that heart. A heart can be torn and stretched and filled, but it has its limit. Eventually it will break. Things have been hard in this house. There is anger flowing and filling in those broken spots. We work through the days to protect the children from all the sorrow, the loss of something magical. We work through the nights, talking, crying, avoiding. We wake as exhausted as we fell. A relentless circle.

Let me tell you about my kids. They are amazing, resilient little creatures. My children fill me with pride each and every day. I wake up in the morning excited to see them, to see what new things this day will have in store.

Tristan has been amazing with her broken leg. She never complains. I feel so sorry for her; each day an exciting journey from bed to sofa and back. She keeps saying "sorry" when she complains about me hurting in her when i struggle to carry her to the bathroom. I say "don't be sorry, don't ever be sorry." It has been amazing to watch her deepening sympathy and understanding of the world around her and how her attitude and actions, and others, effect her surroundings. She is a bright star.

Toby has joined his peers in his new school with enthusiasm and charm. He is everyone's buddy. He continues to struggle with his language arts and has needed a lot of encouragement to face each spelling test and reading assignment. He is pushing through. This week he will start receiving extra support which will, hopefully, be great for him. Watching the way his apraxia continues to cause him learning and developmental delays has been heart-wrenching.

Eliza has blossomed in the new school. Reaching out to new friends and taking risks that were unheard of a year ago. She feels safe in her classroom which is not nut-free, but aware. She has never had to face this threat before and in many ways it has given her a sense of power and ownership of her allergies. She needs to keep herself safe and not rely on others to do that for her. I can see that she is proud of her bravery and that she sees the pride in me.

Parker cries each morning before kindergarten and walks out at the end of each day proclaiming "school was great today!" I hope that soon the morning anxiety will ease. He has, so far, saved his anger and frustration for home. I had visions of him whacking his classmates, but he still reserves that behaviour for his siblings. A few weeks ago he learned to ride without training wheels by, literally, pedaling away. No help. It was amazing. Now his favourite thing to do is to go to the skate park and ride around. He put his head under water for the first time this weekend. He is taking risks and feeling the reward. I am proud and a little sad to see him grow up.

My kids keep me going, make me smile, make me cry, make me proud.

The weather has been really, really beautiful here on the westcoast. Warm, sunny days enhanced by the vibrant colours of leaves changing and the rich smells of bonfires and wet grass. I love it, just sitting and enjoying the wonder of this world.

I have been closing in on myself, a bad habit of mine. This turning inward often happens this time of year. I think it's the knowledge that the long, dark days of winter will soon be setting in. It's almost a defense mechanism, wrapping myself in a blanket, in an effort to keep my heart warm through the winter.

This is not healthy. A distance is created between me and those close to me.

Marian wrote this to me in a comment earlier this month:

Your unhappiness always surfaces shortly after you get something you want (I've been reading you for a long time!) because you realize that although you believed the change would make you happy, you discover that it hasn't.

I've been rolling this around in my brain for the past few weeks. It struck me like a wrecking ball. A simple yet profound observation about me. It really knocked my socks off.

What do i want?

I've been trying to answer that question. Answer it in an honest way, no matter how terrifying. What do i want. I want to not be unhappy. I want feel satisfied with my life. I want moments of bliss. I want to laugh really hard sometimes, i want to smile or giggle when i'm alone thinking about something.

How to make those things happen is the question. The real question.

I just spent half an hour looking through my photos from this past year. What a year.

I really don't have the words or energy to describe all the emotions that are filling me up right now, suffice it to say it's a full bucket.

This week i have been called many things:

self-indulgent
self-centered
generous
kind
rude
hateful
pretty
honey bunny (by a customer, felt like i should come out with guns blazing a la Tarantino)
quiet
sensitive
loud
crude
funny
magical

It seems odd that people have such varying thoughts about me. Ideas of who i am. And really? Who am i? I am a mother, a wife, a friend, an employee, a waitress, a thinker, a writer, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a twitterer, a facebook friend. Do i *feel* like those things? Not really. I feel like me, like jess. Same as i always have, since i was a child.

I am in my head. I am hopeful but doubting. I am words swirling but failing to come out. I am human. I have a heart that wants to destroy me. I am hurting and recovering. Over and over. I am lost and i am found.

Sometimes i look around me at all the happy people and i hate them. I feel like a bad mother, a bad person. A failure. Like i've let everyone i care about down. I am a disappointment.

All of my kids are in school now. I have a two hour period of time every week day alone. Alone. It's been eleven years since i had that. There were times in the past year when i was alone. Somehow that was different.

It has been a very hard two weeks. I have been working a lot and on school days only see the big kids for about two hours a day. I miss them very much. This schedule is very difficult to keep up.

I need to. I need to because i am not ready to give up any of the things that gave me the independence to maintain a household on my own. I can't even give up that house. I am terrified to because i am still so unsure if all of this is going to work out.

As it turns out forgiveness is a very difficult thing. And hurt and pain never really go away. And what you need may not be available.

That other people may never forgive you. Sides are drawn in the sand. Hatred runs as deep as love.

I was thinking this morning about love and marriage/relationships. When i was young i was sure i would never find love. I didn't have an understanding of what love could be. I hadn't had any experience with unconditional love. My first real boyfriend i had for three years, then i met shane.

Life with shane has been anything, but easy. When we were first together our love was so intense that it was physically painful for me. When he was away from me i felt like half a person. Ours was an intense courtship.

Intense love wasn't easy. I was young and emotionally a baby. I had struggled with anxiety and depression for years already. Our early years were filled with doubt for me. I couldn't believe that he loved me just for me. I felt like i had to be better. A better lover, a better girlfriend, prettier, smarter, funnier.

As time went on we eased into a calmer, easy love. After university we both had good jobs. We had a great apartment. We had a good life. I was still unsure. I couldn't enjoy the moments as they came. I worried about our future. How i could keep him. I knew he was special.

Then the years flew by in a whirlwind of babies. Suddenly, i was lost in a life that i didn't really want. We were fiercely competitive with each other. Co-dependent. Unhealthy. Instead of working on the problem. Working on the love. I was terrified by it. Terrified of a future full of love that had gone bad. I created an escape plan that was cruel. I betrayed the man who had stood by me through everything. I don't know why i did the things i did. I was reeling in a fog of depression, suicidal thoughts, alcohol, insomnia and denial. I thought the better solution was to run away from everything. I tried to do that by killing myself. When that didn't work i lied that everything was okay and continued on a horrible and destructive path till i found myself out of the marriage.

And i spent a year thinking i could turn my back on that love. I could push it out of my heart. I couldn't.

People keep congratulating us like we are newlyweds. It's not like that. It is hard. We are working on healing. Finding new ways to be together and communicate that are healthy. Expressing our needs. Being independent. Being together. We are defying the odds. Backing out of the statistics.

Love is never black and white. It is a million shades of grey.

Fall is fair time here on the island. We had a nice day, depending on what you consider nice. For us it meant spending way too much money for an end result of grumpy kids and one missing pre-teen. Hopefully, she'll turn up soon.

It's been a bit of a rough week. Adjusting to working nights, early school mornings and a loss of any alone time has been stress-inducing.

Shane and i rarely see each other as he leaves before i get up and i am gone to work when he arrives home. It is stress-inducing. Adding that i am still in the midst of "busy" season and working long hours and extra shifts.

I am feeling like a stranger in my own town because of the changes in schools. It reminds me of when we first moved up here and i was so lonely. I am reminded again of the lack of friends i have, yet my inability, or desire, to do anything about it.

My heart is aching a bit.

Shane hates my work hours. He wouldn't ask, but i know he doesn't want me to work. I want to work. I like having money. I like buying the groceries and clothes for the kids with my own money. I like being able to think about buying an iphone without having to ask for permission. Not working was one of the top five contributing factors to my depression. Maybe not "working" so much as independence, freedom and getting out of the house.

I see the kids, except parker, for about an hour a day on my workdays and then on my days off i am so wiped out that all i can manage is to be their taxi service and food delivery system. I know it is just the first week of school and there is way too many things going on and we all will adjust - it's just, well, stressful.

I had such a wonderful night. The photo is crap, but i had shane's point and shoot and i'm not a point and shoot girl. Band of Horses was great. I had tears in my eyes the whole way through. It was beautiful to hear the words live. They were actually better when we saw them a couple years ago in a small club, they seemed a little lost in the larger venue.

We went out for dinner first and shane took this picture of me to make fun of my "girl crush" on the singer.

Beck was amazing. So polished and energetic. And teeny. We escaped out a side door right as the show ended and Beck ran right in front of us onto his tour bus. He was about four foot nothing and one hundred pounds wet. But, an amazing artist. Totally worth the ringing in my ears today.

When i said yesterday that i couldn't promise shane a future, i didn't mean that i didn't want to make that promise. I have promised him that i will be his, always. What i meant was that i can't see a future that doesn't exist yet. We are working to that future. We still have two houses to combine into one, we still have lots of healing and talking to do, we still have to get new rings. But, i can look in his eyes and thank god that i have been forgiven.

People have asked me how the kids are doing. They are doing amazingly well. Amazingly well considering the complete upheaval their lives have taken this year. They have their mommy and daddy back under one roof. What is happening under that roof is stressful. There are painters, carpet layers, cleaners, landscapers; all making their house into a different house. All of their worldly belongings have been hauled off to a storage locker in the name of "staging" this house.

The realtor comes this afternoon to put the house on the market. If we are lucky it will sell fast. The house we bought didn't pass the building inspection and so we had to let it go. We were all so sad about that. We pictured ourselves in that house, had picked out bedrooms and planned where furniture would go. We saw a vision of a happy future there. It was just another harsh reality for them that, sometimes, no matter how hard you wish for it, the future is uncertain.

They just want some certainty. We all do.

Shane wants a promise that i will always be here, i will always walk hand in hand beside him. I want that too. But, one can't predict all the twists and turns life may take.

Tonight i am going to see my very favourite band in the world. Band of Horses have been the soundtrack that plays in my head for the past year. When i was struggling to regain mental clarity, to give up psychiatric medications, to not be sad all the time - Band of Horses was the music i played over and over in my head as i fought to place one foot in front of the other. Plus, if i was allowed to have a "list" the singer would take spots one through five.