Dear ingrid internet,

Do you remember when i used to call you that? Trying to make this wide space home.

I have been having troubles for over a year now. I have tried to kill myself twice.

I have looked in the glowing eyes of my children and found religion.

I have loved my children.

I have lost myself.

I have not loved myself.

I am trying to do that now.

I am trying to be better to myself. I know i am good to everyone else. But i left myself hitchhiking on the trans-canada months ago.

And now i will pick myself up. I will make changes. I will be better to myself. In exchange the world might be better to me.

The kids start school in the morning and their excitement is contagious. The "i can't sleep" blues. The anticipation. I remember it. We will pack lunches together in the morning. Sleepy and red eyed. Unused to the early morning hours that we have spent the last two months quietly sleeping through. Life will return to a scheduled normal. We will leave the wistful lake days behind for another year.

Goodbye summer 2007 and your crappy weather.

jess
xx

Here we go.

Friends. I am going crazy again. In a different way than i have shared with you before.

not sad. Crazy. Manic. i feel crazy.

Jittery. Unable to control my hands. My mind. Five panic attacks in two days.

I am going to be brief.

My mind knows what is happening. It is painful. Watching myself. Slipping away.

I will see my psychiatrist next week.

You would think that this would be fun. But it is a bigger trainwreck than depression, which is slow and haunting.

This is fast and furious.