So, it's earth day. I find it ironic that we need a day. The kids and i were talking about it on the way home and as only kids can parker summed it up thusly;

"I love the earth! It will never break; because if it does we will have no earth. Right?"

"Yes. Yes!"

"Why do you love the earth parker?"

"Because it lets me dig it up and throw it back out!"

I am often at a loss when it comes to explanations for the kids. "Why can't we keep the hose running when it always rains here?"

"Why can't i use another ziplock bag for a water bomb?"

"Why does the compost smell so bad and why do i have to take it out?"

"Why do we have to wear hand-me-downs?"

"Why is it bad to shop at the dollar store?"

I try to teach them every single day about the earth and our responsibility to do our best by such a wondrous thing. I am proud when they catch me in an earthly faux pas.

"Yes! Yes you are right, i have to stop forgetting the shopping bags."

For me the kids are the biggest influence in trying to be earth-friendly at all times. Even though i am, at times, lazy and want to just throw it out in the trash rather than deal with the separating and washing of recyclables. Their ever-watching and curious eyes keep me in check. They keep my car full to the brim with recycling, my compost bin full, and my garbage can empty week after week.

There is so much more i could do, but i am proud of the strides we have taken.

The kids have been home sick for the past couple days. I always enjoy these days. Part of it is laziness. I like sleeping in and relaxing around the house. I like having them around. The chaos of the five of us sharing this small space. The glee on parker's face when he realizes that his best friends are staying home to play all day. Forts are built and destroyed, picnics are made and devoured outside, intricate cities are built in the creek running down the side of the house.

We began planting our vegetable garden and putting perennials and pansies in the flower beds. The promise of spring becoming a reality.

This sense of calm continuing to wash over me. Ground me. Working the soil through my hands, making this house a home.

My future is as uncertain as ever. Yet, somehow, these lazy days surrounded by all the things i love, make that uncertainty fine. Familiar even. Life was never certain. I have always held this naive ideal that things usually work themselves out. As long as i have faith. As long as i have love in my life. Things will be okay. Great sometimes.

The snow is melting. The sun is peaking through.

The kids and i are enjoying the lightness in the evening. The relaxation that spring brings. I'm not sure how these physical changes happen, but spring always brings such promise. Promise of summer. The first swim in the lake. Field trips at school. The house staying cleaner as we expand our home to include the world outside the door. The fire in the wood stove in the evening for pleasure more than warmth.

And softball. I'm not sure what makes the beer league so much fun. The regular evenings out. Kids playing in the bushes while parents attempt to shake the winter chill from their stiff bones. Laughing.

My work schedule will make softball take a bit of a backseat. But work, in as much as work can be, is also more fun when it is beautiful out. People have a spark in their eyes. Lovers, couples, friends; all fueled by the company of each other. Lingering longer over bottles of wine, glasses of port. The rush of winter gone. Spring brings a sense of peaceful lingering.

Last night we made homemade ice cream. A vanilla bean and oreo cookie concoction. We had so much fun watching the progress. Turning the paddle in the ice cream every five minutes, watching the gooey mess slowly take shape. We dug in right out of the ice cream maker.

The kids are doing well. We are doing well. I have been trying to find more fun things for us to do. As i have the kids during the week most of our time is taken up with school and activities and homework. But, i really want to make their time with me about other stuff too. These are the times i have this inkling desire to homeschool, just so we could spend more time together. Of course, that's just crazy talk as i would surely lose my mind in a matter of days.

I find the nights when i have the kids incredibly lonely. They go to bed fairly early. And then i just sort of putter around. I have no interest in television anymore and often i have trouble reading at night as i am just a little too tired. I end up browsing blogs, sitting staring at the fire, wandering around outside my house admiring the stars and the moons reflection off the lake. Listening to my melancholy music.

It's hard in the still darkness of the night to keep my mind from dark places. Keep focused on the positive things. Last night i posted on facebook that i was feeling lonely and a friend sent me this quote:

“Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” ~someone

My little town was buried under a huge snowfall this weekend. I enjoyed a couple of snow days. Trapped in the house. Walking up and down the lakeside road to work. The soft muffle of snow all around me.

Peaceful.

No loud voices interrupting the screaming in my brain. The swirling. The swirling. It doesn't stop.

Emotions overflowing.

I am coming to terms with, accepting, my new status in the community. I will rebuild these walls. The walls around my heart. Fence myself in.

moving today. crazy. crazy.

busy. busy.

back soon.

Each morning i wake up and sit on the balcony with a cup of coffee. The weather has continued it's humdrum westcoast drizzle. The lake has a low fog hanging over it in the morning. Rain drizzles on my legs.

It reminds me of home. My home. Here on the westcoast. Growing up here you learn to love the rain. The fall is colourful. The rich autumn leaves brightening the grey skies. The smell of wetness and leaves falling in a mildewy pile.

I remember walking to school as a child. Wet and cold in the morning. Sitting in wet socks in class. Shoes drying in the cloakroom. Waiting to get wet again at recess. And often, the skies opening in the afternoon to brief moments of sunshine. Raincoats thrown astray in the playground as we embraced the warm sun. And were dry for a few brief hours till the clouds returned in the evening.

There are two herons who visit the dock outside my condo every morning. I iamgine them as husband and wife. Sometimes they squabble. One flies away briefly, angrily chirping, through the mist. But, he always returns. She waits patiently. Diving for the occassional trout. Then they sit side by side. Enjoying each other. Waiting for the fog to lift. Flying off together.

Softball.

When i was in the hospital all i could think about was the ways i was letting my children down. That is the curse of motherhood made worse by depression.

Look at all those other moms on their blogs i would think. They bake. They sew. They garden. They do crafts, with their kids! As much as i love blogging it has this way of making you feel insufficient as a mother. Sometimes i feel like it's a competition to see who has the best house, the best craft room, the best photos of their projects. What happened to just being a mom? Why is it so damn hard for me to even think about those things?

I am not crafty by nature. I love to cook, but my kids hate food. I don't love to bake - too much mess, too many calories.

I used to love looking at all the pretty houses and pretty things people made. Now it just makes me feel more like a failure or give me this desire to compete.

That's not what i want. I want to hear all your stories. I want to hear celebrations of the terrible days and the whimsical days of motherhood.

So. Today we drove to victoria and had lunch with dad, then we went to the evil giant mall which made it all too clear to me how ragamuffin my kids are, we visited the giant toy store where we wandered every aisle and my kids marvelled at all the stuff, rode the bikes, sat in the cars, played with the trains, and then we left. They asked for nothing. The mere adventure of seeing ALL THAT STUFF was enough for them. Then we came home and drove over to their school and while i did some painting on one of the portables and a little work in the garden they played happily. For hours.

That's it. Now they are sitting at home watching shane's new band record some songs.

It is such a simple life. But, today, i am very happy for it.

This is my house a few days ago.

Our power has gone out two more times in the past few hours and we are trying desperately to heat it back up. Right now it's 57. Our friend is on his way over with a drywall heater that should heat it up real quick.

I have put my foot down and refuse to leave. Even if we all end up huddling together under a mountain of sleeping bags.

We have had nine inches of snow in the past 90 minutes and it's not letting up. The snow is up to my hipbone.

What happened to Fall?

I am stuck in this surreal half-life.

I hope all returns to normal soon.

What a way to delay the start of the holiday season.

Wish me luck.

Our power just came on after five nights without. We have no fire, so no heat and we are on a well, so no water or toilets, when the power is out.

It has been a long, cold week. Without the help of friends i'm not sure how we would have made it.

It has reminded me of all the things that are important in life and how during times of crisis love isn't all you need.

Heat and water are necessities of life. I will never take them for granted again.

I will also never take for granted hot showers, clean clothes, my pillow, my bed, the internet, coffee first thing in the morning and warm hands - especially parkers on my belly in the morning.

Our power is set to go out again at any moment. It is snowing again and the temperature is dropping and the trees are weeping from the weight of it all.

When the power went back on the temperature in my house was 41f. It is going to take days to heat up in here.

See you soon. I hope.

Still no power.

The kids are at school and so am i so i have internet access for a short while.

I have begged forgivness for not posting yesterday.

Please let me stay in NaBloPoMo???

I am fine. Doing fine.

Miserable and cold.

I want my house back.

see you soon.

I'm off camping with 70 kids and 100 adults.

The sun is shining.

Wish me luck.

We spent saturday at our local country fair. It was an awesome day. There were no rides, no candy floss and no midway. There was a little parade led by a bagpipe band and followed by several community children on their decorated bicycles. All the kids got ribbons. Eliza one first prize for her fairy theme and tristan came second overall (toby and parker didn't enter.) Tristan and toby both made posters to advertise the fair that were displayed in local shops over the past few weeks. They both won huge ribbons for that as well.

The rest of the fair consisted of local booths pleading for the preservation of our little country village, the volunteer firefighters and a few local wares. Then there was the main attraction - all the competitions; everything from largest zuchini to largest dog and all the 4H animals and crafts in between.

I love where i live. Despite the long, wet winter and the lack of amenities there isn't another place i would rather be.

Three years ago, when i was pregnant out to here with parker, shane and i decided on a whim to drive up here from victoria to look at an open house we saw in a private homesellers paper. Our home in victoria was one we neither loved nor hated. It was close to town and suited us fine. We just never felt a sense of home or community no matter how hard we tried. The housing market in victoria was on a major upswing and we knew that our home was worth, at least, $100,000 more than we had purchased it for two years prior.

The first house we looked at up here in the country was okay, surprising in how much we could get for our dollar, but not good enough to sacrifice the city. Our interest was perked though so we drove around a little till we found another open house. From the moment we drove into our driveway we both knew that we had found our home.

It took awhile and a turned down offer till we took a risk and made a "no subjects" offer on this house. We put our old house on the market five days before parker was born and had three offers within a couple of days. I signed the papers while still in the hospital. We bought this house and acreage for far less than we sold our other one for. We left the city behind when parker was six weeks old.

In three weeks he will be three years old.

I'm not sure if it's the combined effects of too much travel in a seven day period or i really am a freaking hick, but i feel lost in these big city shoes.

Since sunday i have been in san jose, portland, seattle, victoria, home and, now, vancouver. I do know that living out of a suitcase; however sexy it may sound, is, in reality, a boner of a deal. Some kind of
viagra enhanced, adrenaline fueled, hazy headed nightmare.

I grew up in vancouver. A vancouver that was all at once laid back, laissez faire and comfortable. My vancouver disappeared a million or so people ago. Now it is all big city. Vancouver is what i thought going to san jose would be like; the people are all at once perfectly polished, poised and perfect. (I was wrong about the people at blogher, they were just people, people you'd like to know.)

I am laid back, unpolished and prone to curse on command, or injury. This morning i proudly flaunted my new profanity, motherfucker, when i stubbed my recently broken baby toe on my mother's weights. My born again brother was all at once shocked and proud of his baby sister and
her verbosity.

I'm not sure if it's shyness or insecurity that makes me so uncomfortable in my own skin, but i do know that it is accentuated tenfold when i am not in my home.

In my home my kids can be themselves. When we are not at home i am acutely aware of how loud we are. How the five of us take up every single available sound wave in a chorus of tone deaf, speech impaired excitement. We are always turned up to eleven. Excited, happy, mad, sad - all felt independent of each other, but expressed simultaneously.

I am here until thursday. See you then.

jess
xxoo

I'm off for three beautiful days of camping with the kids. I thought about bringing the dogs, but really. Look at them. Those are not camping dogs.

I'm really looking forward to going. There will be two other moms there and we plan on sitting and watching the kids play and, probably, eat a lot of food and drink a little libation. The kids and i have never been camping before. It always seemed a little too difficult with a baby. And now, though it hurts my heart a little, there are no babies and we are free to have a few more adventures.

The summer that in previous years loomed so large and painful in front of me is suddenly far too short and disappearing before my eyes as i fill it up with camping trips, visits to family in vancouver and on saltspring, the arrival of my sister-in-law's baby and, obviously, blogher.

Have a wonderful holiday week and happy canada day.

Moments ago...moments ago!!! I was sitting on the couch getting ready to write a nice post about "i love you's" and how hard it is to drag those words out of my kids mouths, lots of "right back at you's" and "me too's."

Anyway, i heard a little scritch scritch underneath me, from within the sofa! At first i thought it was lucy or doodle scratching at the couch to make a bed (a leftover instinct from sleeping in barns). But no! They are upstairs in bed with the kids. It was something else, something little and prbably rodent like. OMFG. The horror.

We realized a few weeks ago there were mice (or something worse) in the wall and the crawl space so we put in some traps and caught one alarmingly large mouse (or small rat.) And then we hilariously thought that was that. Then we heard more scritching...

ALERT - i was just instant messaging and the mouse peeked out from under the couch at me! That sound you hear is me running screaming upstairs.

Have you ever been at a point in your life where simultaneously everything is going great and terribly at the same time?

That is where i am at. My kids are doing excellent. Parker has turned a corner and feels a little more comfortable with the world and hence is a lot happier and a joy to be around. I felt my work was complete when today he shrieked with excitement when we drove by a construction site:

"Mom!! Mom! Did you see that? That was AWESOME!!"

"Yes parker that was awesome!"

Toby is happy. Happy to learn and go to school. I am so thankful for his teacher and the school we chose. He hangs out by her side all day and she helps him along whenever he needs it. As a result his reading is coming along and he's almost on track with the grade one expectations. We've cancelled speech therapy until september as it was all becoming too stressful for everyone.

Eliza is getting ready for kindergarten and talking about it a lot. That's the first step and the first step forward we've made in a long time.

Tristan is happy and beautiful inside and out. We look forward to survivor together, making bets on how long shane will last and reading blackbird's survivor wrap-up. I can't believe that i have such an amazing daughter. I feel so lucky.

Things are coming together for me. I'm figuring out how to balance all the different aspects of my life and finally beginning to plan some time for me when i have three kids in school in september. Masters swimming? Yoga? Plus spending time with parker one on one. I haven't done that since i had only tristan.

I'm super excited to join the ranks of the most awesome Rock-n-Rompers and announce the first ever canadian Rock-n-Romp vancouver island style in july. No details have come together, but will soon. Stay tuned!

So, three weeks ago it was freezing. It was actually snowing. And today, today the girls went swimming in the lake. It wasn't like polar bear swimming either. It was a sunbathing hot day at the beach. The water was freezing. But it felt so good to be out, not in the rain, warmed by the sun, playing in the sand. We rushed home for a quick dinner then we had our parents team softball game. All the kids played in the woods while the parents had a great time too. Such an awesome day.

I have way more to say but my wrists are on fire again. So instead here's another photo (more at Flickr!)

I'm going to try and kill this turkey at the gate. The turkey being my wrists. I'm not going to post for a few days and for the next week all my comments on other blogs will be "awesome!" unless something is wrong or sad or bad. Then i would say i'll leave a *hug*, but i hate hugs and i hate sending stupid internet hugs even more. Why would i send a hug that i have no intention of ever following through on? So for the sad or bad or wrong posts i think i'll just say "not awesome!" No, that doesn't work. I'll just leave it blank, then you'll know i've been there and am thinking about you, but my stupid burning wrists won't let me use words.

Shane's sister is here from toronto and coming over for the weekend. She's pregnant! Exciting. I get to belly rub! She's ghost writing a book about plastic surgery. The jobs that people get never cease to amaze me.

Just watched "crash." Wow. I liked it. I liked "brokeback" too.

Have a great weekend. See you monday!

Woah! I'm pooped. But i have some questions. Nothing major. But all answers totally appreciated!

1. Chicken breast recipes - i just bought 10 kilograms of individually wrapped boneless skinless chicken breasts. Organic and free range. Very expensive. But i never cook with breasts. Really i just make whole roast chicken. Send me your favourites!

2. My wrists - are on fire! I spent the last few days typing a huge report for the school. Is this why my wrists hurt? Will it go away? Diary of a wimp here.

3. Bed Wetting - my six year old, toby, still wears a pullup to bed. I know not a big deal, we don't make a big deal of it. But what should i be doing aside from the getting him up to pee, limiting water after dinner... all the regular things. We are heading into sleepover territory and it gets complicated.

4. What do you think of Big Love? Personally, i loved it.

Yesterday we (the four kids and i) spent the day in victoria visiting the pediatric allergist for eliza. I don't talk much about her peanut/treenut allergy because i know that it's one of those tough things for people. I know that it's hard when you get a note home from school asking for a nut-free classroom and you have a fussy child who only likes to eat PB&J. Believe me i know. It was tough for us. Obviously for me shelling out $8 for a teeny tiny jar of pea-butter peanut butter is worth every penny. I get that for those without an allergy in their family this IS a big deal in these days of tight wallets and huge grocery bills. We have learned to switch it up a little with cheese sandwiches, turkey pepperoni - all sorts of things that are not those terribly awful lunch in a box convenience food things.

Except, of course, if my child dies after your kindergartner eats PB&J for snack and then gums some toy and my child touches it with her hands and then picks her nose. Except for then. Then, maybe, the nut free classroom makes sense. She has a right to go to school, doesn't she?

So, you see, i can't keep my mouth shut once i start. So, i just don't start. It's a good thing i'm president of that damn school she's going to next year.

Anyway, we were in victoria for the day. It was nice. We drove around our old neighbourhood and all the houses we lived in, one child born in each. I would stop and tell them about the house they were born in and why we loved it. Then we went to our park, normal park we called it.

Every single day, rain, snow, sun, i would bundle one, two and eventually three kids up to go to that park. For six years, from 2:00 until dinnertime, everybody knew where i would be. And yesterday? I missed it so much. I sat playing with parker in the sandbox and was flooded with memories of pushing tristan in the baby swing, building endless sand castles, watching her ride around and around the play area first on a tricycle, then a two-wheeler with training wheels, then just a two wheeler with toby chasing behind on his motorized truck while i pushed eliza in the baby swing, and eventually, right before we moved away, hobbling in to show off parker while my other three roared around with their friends collecting flowers and cleverly hidden treasures.

Once in my life i had a circle of friends who shared in all the ups and downs of raising children and being married and finding jobs, losing loves, moving on - all the adult things.

When i met them i had just one child. I was righteous in the way new mothers can be, certain that i was the only one practicing this thing called attachment parenting. Certain that i was still cooler than everyone else, but so lonely. I happened upon them at the park that i walked through on my way to the mall to get a starbucks. Instantly, they pulled me into their circle. What a wonderful thing. I remember their children turning two and i also remember them turning six. The births of siblings. The extension of the park family.

And then we moved away. And i had every intention of keeping in touch. But distance really does become a barrier. And i change. And they change.

But i still miss them and the missed opportunity of watching their children grow.

Ten glorious days without making lunches, waking up too late to get the kids to school on time with hair and teeth brushed. My kids are the ones with chronically messy hair. Fresh breath is a must though.

I declare this a week of sleep. Sleep for jess. I must get rid of the dark circles under my eyes. And oh yes! A week of new things to read. Starting with these:

Another jen! She's young and pretty and in love Awesome!

holy shit! another one! a canadian jen too

tales of poop awesome!

not a jen! but canadian!

wrote me the nicest letter ever! dude!

not quite four kids - but awesome dude!

a mom w/big kids who swears!

on a boat w/ababy totally awesome!

I could go on and on and on. Spread the love people.

Wait one more before i go:

doggy blogging zoe style totally awesome!

Tuesday is my very busiest day of the week. From the moment i get up from this computer i will go, go, go until i sit my ass back down here around 9:00 tonight. That's 13 hours!

But, the pain! Oh my holy shit! The pain!

Yesterday i moved a pile of dirt from our driveway into the garden. The dirt sat through the rain, the sleet and the snow. It collected quadruple it's mass in water.

I huffed and i puffed. I shoveled every bit of dirt away and when i was done? I danced for an hour with Parker while dinner was cooking. Not slow dancing, but jumping up and down belly-laughing dancing.

This morning? Send help. Can't move. Typing is causing much pain. Send Advil.