Last night i was invited to play on another softball team. Softball is pretty much the only thing that is guaranteed to make me feel better. I love playing for other teams. I get a chance to see their tricks and get to know the other players.

Last night i played for the Trailer Park Boys. That's right. The average age on the team is probably 24. Strapping young lads. I played well enough, drank too much Lucky beer and had a really fun time. It reminded me, for a moment, how fun it was to be in your early twenties.

It was the perfect end to a really crappy day.

Today i feel much better about being dumped by my psychiatrist. I know exactly what he was doing - tough love. As i walked away i could see in his eyes that he is expecting to see me again, probably in some dramatic situation. I'm not going to let that happen. The competitive side of me won't let it.

Parker woke up this morning, snuggled between shane and i, kissed my forehead and said:

"I love you"

"I am too tired to fart."

Three year olds. They kill me.

You know that cliche of the person who gets drunk at the office party and ends up dancing on the table?

That's me!

Two years in a row i have been the drunkest person, by far, at our school parent and staff christmas party.

I managed to hold out until after i made a speech and handed out gifts and christmas bonuses, but then! It was drunk jess. All drunk, all the time.

I wore my extra high heels again and a beautiful dress. I danced, i had fun. I made out with another mom as my special talent so that i could steal her gift. All kinds of laughter and jokes ensued. At the end of the night i leaned against other board members to hold me up. They passed me around like a paper doll.

Then shane carried me home.

Shane's band played. See.

That's him thinking "who the hell is she dancing with now?"

I am preparing myself for merciless teasing in the morning. But, it was fun.

And we have a christmas tree.

Here's me, hungover, in my extra special custom t-shirt from debbie. I love debbie.

I guess the thing i forgot to mention is shane. I've waxed poetic about my husband on many occasions. It's not that he is perfect. He's not. We spend days, and sometimes weeks disjointed. Living separate lives. Him to bed early and gone before i, or the kids, even blink an eye.

Yet, here we are. Late at night connecting. Laughing. Taking pictures of each other. Talking about plans. Life dreams. Touching base.

In love.

I may fall out of love. Momentarily. Weekly. But then he's there. The one who speaks for me when i can't. The one who understands when i simply cannot participate. When i must sit alone.

Shane is away. He's away and i'm really enjoying it. We had and easy dinner, a frolic in the woods and the requisite giant slumber party in my room.

As i was laying there waiting for parker to go to sleep i was struck by the little moments. Tristan was reading her archie comic busting a gut. That girl has the strangest sense of humour. I frequently hear her cracking up in her bedroom to books. In a way i think it's her letting us know that she's up there awake. A little jubilant "hi!" from the eight year old girl.

Toby and parker were both lost in their own little dream worlds. Parker was singing something along the lines of:

twinkle twinkle little truck
abcdefg
all us travellers in the night
itsy bitsy dumptruck
now i know my abc's
thank you for your tiny light.

Toby was squeeking away in a high pitched whisper yell about "cougars in the box...(something, something)" followed by a raucous "in the hole little mouse...(something, something.)"

Eliza was asleep. She was suffering from post-birthday stress all day. Twirling her new gold chain with a heart pendant non-chalantly in front of everyone. Hoping for it to be noticed. She fell asleep before she could finish "Toby and parker are keeping me....(up)"

How wonderful. How lucky i feel during those moments and not just because i know that they are almost asleep.

Shane and i have both been overwhelmingly busy with our own things. We are getting along fine, really well actually. We are just not connecting in that way, the way that husbands and wives sometimes do. Some of them even get to do it in bed i hear. For us long term family bedders the pizzazz of the bathroom counter or rug burn inducing playroom floor has long lost it's sparkle and a good old bed in the missionary position sounds almost kinky.

*ahem*

What i meant to say was that we have no time together. Yet we sit side by side on the sofa at night laptops in, well, our laps and television on. Frankly it's boring and i welcome this little change to my routine. Except that all my favourite shows (sopranos, big love and huff) are not on this week because of memorial day. Stupid memorial day.

okay, so i'm dunk blogging. dunk!!! ha!

I sent shane to bed because i had this big post in my head about gender, and it's gone!

i love you

sick kids for 12 days.

i can't take it anymore.

i have no compassion left.

send help.