this is what i look at to make me feel all warm and gooey inside. i'll post the second installment of my ongoing story this evening. i'm thinking every other day will be more realistic.

i am here.

i am busy.

i have many stories to tell, which i've been waiting to tell. i can tell them now.

the judgers and the haters be damned.

Man, i'm tired. Or as toby says "dude, i'm pooped!" Then parker chimes in with "poopy dude! i pooped on you!"

What's with the poop talk happening already? His cute little sing-songs have all turned into poop songs.

Mary had a little poop (apparently)
It was big and smelly bum

Seriously though. I have never been busier. I have made two speeches in front of large groups of people in the past week and i have one more on friday. My irritable bowel has cranked it up a notch.

I have also had, at least, six people tell me i look really tired. Which is actually code for you look like crap.

And here i am trying to catch up on my feedreader and leave some lame comments so as not to appear a total snob. I made it to "S" before i realized it's late again. I have no wine to lull me to sleep and i'm all jumpy and nervous about my impending public speaking.

Monday is the first day of summer vacation. I will not pack lunches. I will not yell at tristan to hurry. I will not turn the television on. I will not spend an hour at the school talking to parents about their concerns.

I will let my kids be bored. I will enjoy my morning coffee. I will visit many blogs. I will photograph my new shoes.

I am warming my toes in the warmth that is the double nap. Parker and eliza are both wheezy and hacky and doped up on steroids and ventolin. We are teetering on the brink of emergency room visits.

But, the sun did shine this morning for a few hours and we played in the vitamin d goodness before the rain began again.

Now, in the ultimate cruelty i have to go and wake them up so that we can go do the school pick-up thing.

Any ideas for a dinner i can make with 5 pounds of baby spinach that is almost past due? Or should i just give it to the chickens.

Oh! The chickens. Last night we had a thunder storm in our yard. We thought for a moment a plane was crashing - right here. The chickens were definitely phased by the ordeal. I'll post photos later.

The thing is, that love, you know THAT love - it makes you forgive. Because no matter the hurt you may feel inside. You know that the person snoring beside you is the one for you.

Plus, who else would have you anyway - you crazy loony toon.

So, christmas has come and gone, as 2005 will soon as well. Shane didn't really do anything wrong to make me so mad and sad and pissed off. He was self-indulgent on christmas morning. Feeling sorry for himself and stressed by all the work, or lack there-of. Watching the gluttony of gifts toppled him over the edge. I saw it happen. I saw him thinking "fuck". I saw him abandoning me and the kids for his self-pity. And i was pissed. I wanted him to see it for what it was - christmas morning with our beautiful children who still believe in the magic of christmas and who love us with every ounce of their being. Our children who grow so fast it freaks me out. Our children whom i want to share this intense love i feel for with my husband, who i also love intensely and, at times, hate intensely.

But, he isn't me. I need to let that go. Wanting him to see the world as i do. He sees it differently. In dollar signs and hours worked - and the correlation between those things and happiness. I don't get that and he doesn't get me. Sometimes.

But, now? Now i love him again. Because he is here and he is, well, him.

Bloody hell! I just sat down at the computer and as i moved the mouse an earwig zoomed out and straight into my lap, upper naked thigh style. I'm awake! Woosh, adrenalin in the morning.

I love Ron Weasley, from now on all my curses will be Bloody Hell!

Except this one, shit, i'm tired. I know it's getting boring and cry me a river. But, shit, it's been a long winter already and we've barely even grazed the surface. I do know that september through december are the worst times of year for children with asthma. So, i am hopeful that the new year will bring some health and good times our way.

Shane has been working crazy long hours. We barely see each other and when he does get home i'm so pissed off and exhausted from being alone, without any help, that i usually go to bed after a few minutes of sitting beside him because, quite frankly, i can't stand the smell of him right now. Don't be alarmed. This happens. In our marriage it's not all roses. We have hard times and easy times. I'm sure the rest of you do too.

I think Tristan is on the verge of not being a santa believer which makes everything WAY more tricky. Plus, my be good for santa threat doesn't work on her. Bloody hell. She sure is cute though. 8 year olds i tell you. She thinks she knows everything, which is the way i guess it will be for the next 20 years or so. But that girl, she has read all the Harry Potter books, she can knit way better than me, can play a song by ear on the piano and she's beautiful. I don't know how all the genes crossed so perfectly on that one.

Have a lovely day. Happy survivor night tonight. Tristan and i watch it together - quality time i tell you.

Thanks ada

We are still in the snow and the flu sped up it's final course through the house, though parker has wicked smelly gas and green poo.

While parker was napping today i spent half an hour walking around in the sexy shoes and i think i got it figured out. They're a keeper! About halfway through his nap parker woke up and as i raced up to him i did as i have done for the past 8 years whenever the youngest in my house wakes up. I squeezed my boobs. Those of you who have ever been nursing mothers will probably be familiar with the fullness test squeeze. Which side next? Eliza likes to joke that i have the normal side and the chocolate side. All this is my roundabout way of saying that momma is a wimp-ass and parker is still, definitely, not weened. I suppose i should eat my shorts now.

Also, i did not make it to the finals at the canadian blog awards. I figured as much - damn you all! But, the lovely JenB did. Go and vote for her!

Lastly, my BFF jenelle has some lovely treats for sale at her uber-cool store in vancouver. Get yer funk on and buy some swag.

We have snow! We have stomach flu! We suck!

Seriously, is this normal. Is this how it's supposed to be when you have four kids. The sloth-like stomach flu that travels through the house at a snails pace until i am ready to burn the place down.

Eliza had the poops like two weeks ago, then toby last week. And toby on saturday with the barfing. Then the washer AND dryer broke on monday. And toby with the barf in bed on monday night. Still no drier. Today parker with the shits and the barfs. The barf ALL OVER ME in the bank. Now THAT is humiliating; what to do? I ran out of the bank and he barfed all over the sidewalk. And then what to do? Leave it... attempt to clean it up with tissues while the barf all over you continues to fall onto the same sidewalk? Grab all four kids AND RUN!

That's what we did. RUN.

But seriously is this my punishment for wanton sex? Sick all the time? Cause if it is - i'm sorry already and that sex drive was laid to rest long ago! Give me healthy kids!

Shane and i tend to act on whims, probably too often. But, we always have faith that things will work out and if they don't, well, change again. We are not static people by nature and change is something we embrace - not fear.

Four years ago we bought Doodle on a whim. She was the cutest darn thing, plus a schnoodle? With a name like that you always have a story to tell. Doodle the schnoodle. We bought her before the incredible rise in popularity of this mixed mutt breed.

Plus, you know, we (I) ONLY had three kids then. So time was something we (I) had plenty of to deal with the puppy peeing and pooping and, my god, they pee and poo a lot. On the carpet. It took us (me) two whole years to finish training her. Then we got new carpets. Twice.

Because last October when we had FOUR kids we got another puppy, Lucy. Lucy the mini schnauzer who we (I) tried a little harder to train and it was better.

And now? Now we have the cutest little friends to keep us company at night because, you know, we never have anybody else climbing all over us all day.

Except Lucy? She has an eating disorder. An eating disorder in that she eats everything she sees. Dog food, kid food, chicken food, diapers, chicken poo, train tracks, puzzles, shoes, my underwear (worn), rocks, chicken legs. Wait! Chicken legs? Yes! and not the kentucky fried kind. Every now and then a raccoon kills one of our chickens and they don't eat legs. Too chewy. But Lucy? Lucy loves the legs. She loves to leave the legs in our shoes. Just now after a Lucy scnufffle which includes her sniffing and licking around your face i discovered another chicken leg in her bed.

Reason enough to love the dogs.