Gosh. It's been a whirlwind of a weekend. I have been, somewhat alone. But, for the first time i really haven't minded. I want to be alone.

What i realized is that, last year, people may not have been all that uncomfortable around me. I'm just, completely, socially inept. I don't like parties. I don't like staying up late hooting and hollering. I like to stay up late with the swirling in my head to keep me company.

It's been lovely, surprising and humbling to have complete strangers walk up and tell me how much they like my writing.

My panel went really well. I felt calm when i went in and calm throughout. It went by really fast and i really didn't feel like i had a chance to say much. But, it was (again) humbling and inspiring to hear words come out of my mouth that really, truly reflected my thoughts over this past year. I am here again and for awhile i didn't think i would make it. I have healed and survived and i am doing better. I never spoke those words out loud until today.

A real and true highlight for me, aside from speaking - which i am truly proud of, has been meeting and re-meeting some amazing women. Schmutzie, Angela, Alana and Rachel have been my go to people. The ones who i sit with in the morning and the evening, who i take taxis with and abandon when i'm overwhelmed. Like tonight, best laid plans to attend the cocktail party and go for dinner. I had to leave. A party in a department store? With all the lights on and people still shopping? Weird and too much for me.

I came back to my room and realized i miss being married. I am sad that i am about to fly home and be all alone again. I am tired of being alone, yet seek loneliness. I miss having someone i am completely comfortable with.

My flight here was uneventful. Uneventful and tiring.

I rode in a limo to the hotel which made me feel like an even bigger country girl because i was so excited about it.

My arrival saw me in tears at the registration desk as my credit card was denied and they wanted double the amount of cash as my total bill. I was ready to walk away when gwendomama, who is the sweetest woman in the world, swooped in and saved my day with a simple swipe of her credit card.

I have a room of my own that, despite the expense, seemed mandatory for my mental health.

Rachel and i crashed the AllTop/Kirtsy party at Guy Kawasaki's house. It was an amazing house and really a lovely party. Although i'm not listed on AllTop i can say that i licked Mr Kawasaki's pasta fork.

I'm not sure if i'm feeling a little more confidant this year, or what? But, i am having a better time, talking to more people and really not feeling the pressure or stress.

I'm up!

Not really. I am bone weary tired after eight days of work. But, i got cash in my pocket and a plane ticket in my purse.

I am off like a dirty shirt. A dirty shirt that is grump and ragged and has no grand clothing plans.

Whatever.

I'm on my way. Again.

Healthy in mind and body.

I'm wishing me luck.

Holy cow!

I guess i am speaking at BlogHer. I am excited and nervous and, well, humbled and thrilled.

I'll be speaking on Day Two in the breakout session "Who We Are: "Coming Out" via Blog."

I'm psyched.

I hope i see you there!

Stop asking me. I will not do a linky love post about blogher.

I have social anxiety. I simply cannot stand the thought of leaving someone out or being left out.

You know i love you.

It is strange.

Strange again. Being home after such a crazy weekend.

I have been tired. Sleeping. Waking. Looking at the pile of business cards on my chair. Seeing my photo on flickr. I used to be photogenic. Before i became self-aware. Unsure. Now i see a camera and i am unsure. Unsure of everything. Me caught in time.

Life is holding promise. I am happy to feel happy.

I am unsure of my bend towards self-destruction. Where my life may lead me.

I did it. And you know what? I do feel proud of myself. Leah asked me if i felt brave. At the time i didn't. I was stuck in this surreal, out-of-body feeling. The feeling of being trapped in another city, thousands of miles from my family.

Today i feel brave. I am less ashamed of the things i have done.

When you leave your children, even just for a few days; they change. They are in such a constant state of growth, whether it be physically or mentally. In five days they change. In small ways. Ways only a mother could see.

When i walked out of the gates at the victoria airport at midnight last night i was exhausted. Seeing them. So big. So happy. Yelling "mommy!" I felt very brave. And proud.

Proud that i am teaching that it's okay to do things that scare you. To trust that the world is a wonderful place filled with many wonderful people. That you can trust in strangers. That sometimes. Sometimes it's okay to do the things that terrify you just to say that you did it.

Nobody in my family wanted me to go to chicago. I almost turned around at the airport.

But. I went.

I wasn't very social. I did my best. I talked and hugged and clung on to things and people that made it a little easier.

I got this email today. It made me very happy:

usually, i'm in my own little world, oblivious of all the blogs out there via the black hole of the internet and truly am not looking to be a supernova.

however, i do notice people. i noticed you quite a few times, standing alone, having a cigarette or walking off to the side to be by yourself. i always smiled, because that's what i do when feeling awkward. i had no clue about your history before coming to the conference and always wanted to come up and say hi, but i didn't. mostly because, i just felt unsure. mostly of myself.

i just wanted you to know, there are other people out there who empathize with your life. i'm one of them. there is really no need to go into a long, diagramming dissertation of why, but just know, i wanted to meet you and i'm truly sorry, i didn't.

a very sincere, good luck with your progress.

And so after the dust settles. People have made their complaints. Petty battles have been waged. I will still have a wonderful memory of the bravest thing i ever did.

Thank you BlogHer and everybody even if it cost me six cold sores.

Gosh. What a weekend.

I have to say i felt very overwhelmed most of the time. And i did it all without anxiety medication.

Happily embraced by some. Awkwardly avoided by others.

I am only going to say this once - i'm sorry if i've made you uncomfortable. But this is my life. I will not apologize for who i am or the things i have done.

I met and met again some wonderful women. Friends. I couldn't have done it without them.

I couldn't have done it without jen. My roomie, my friend, my kindred spirit. The one who understood when i disappeared from parties. Brought me coffee. Just let me be.

The conference was great. The sessions i attended were great. The speakers engaging and full of useful information.

Again, being the geeky eco-conscious country girl, i was alarmed by the lack of recycling and general waste i saw. Swag bags tossed in the garbage. Mass consumption of free goods that will later be tossed out. Personally, i would rather see all the money that goes into the swag being used to fund the BlogHers Act initiative. As priviledged north americans do we really need more stuff just for the sake of "freebies"? Nothing is free. When i see knick-knacks and mass produced plastic crap it makes me think of who and what has suffered to produce them.

Chicago is a beautiful city, but the fact that they do not have recycling is shameful at best and criminal in it's self-indulgent lack of global thought.

The closing session was a keynote with Elizabeth Edwards. I really had no idea who she was until the conference. I walked out as i am unimpressed with being a campaign stop for an american politician who is too chicken to legalize gay marriage. Correct me if i'm wrong, but that's what i heard her saying. The whole "wife of the future president" thing is nauseating too.

It was not a topic of interest to me as a canadian.

Then we went to a cocktail party at the childrens museum where i had too much free wine because i had had enough of being surrounded by hundreds of people. Then a small sushi dinner with Lisa Stone who is an amazing woman.

Jen and i went to the Art Institute today which was spiritual. I had no idea walking in that i was going to see works by every famous artist who ever exisited. It was the perfect anti-conference thing to do.

Jen left in the afternoon which was tearful and sad. I adore her.

I wandered the city for hours and enjoyed an armenian dinner on my own. In the morning i'm going to shop a little. Check out the apple store and see if they can fix my iPod. Then home again.

That's my big recap.

This year i don't feel like going home and having a nervous breakdown. This is my year of new beginnings.

What a day.

I spent much of my day alone out on the pier smoking (yes i do that on occasion.)

I attended half a session on branding where they said you had to sum your blog up in five words. Hmm. What would i say? Today? I would say i attempted suicide live on the internet. And now you are all here to see me in person and witness what i look like. Stand back.

I had lunch and a long chat with Leah Peterson which was amazing. My trip was made perfect at that point. I love her.

Then the obligatory mommyblogger panel. It was good. MochaMomma made a well deserved stink about race and inclusion. I stood up and shakily commented about the divide between moms with babies/toddlers and moms with older children.

Then a dinner with Style magazine. Ick. They dumped my purse and "organized" it for me and now i can't find anything. I skipped out on that.

And! And my luggage is here. It went to hawaii and back. Lucky bugger.

I have my period and left my tampons (except for a few travel ones) in my luggage and so got to borrow tampons from Ariel Meadow-Stallings and Sarcastic Journalist.

Good night dirty undies. Hello luggage.

Well, here we are. I am feeling completely overwhelmed. So many people. So many people that know about me. I don't know about them.

This is an interesting place to be. The ultimate in facing the reality of my shared personal experience.

I know you. You're the one that tried to commit suicide three weeks ago. Step away.

What a day. !3 hours of travel. Luggage lost. Really lost. I think it's in spain.

But, here i am. I made it to the fancy schmancy cocktail party with my travelling clothes and smelly armpits.

Sarcastic Journalist called me a lesbian, Table for Five gave me her cell phone # so she could watch out for me, i paid $12 for a mojito, i am sleeping in Jen's jammies, i met blackbird - we knew each other right away, i am waiting for some pasta from room service as i haven't eaten a bite all day because i will not pay to eat crap food on an airline.

I'm stubborn that way.

Conference tomorrow.

I am stuck in toronto. Stupid chicago weather.

And i'm gonna go.

I'll be the one with dirty feet and no pedicure - well some month old blue polish chipping away.

First of all i owe thanks to so many people for big and small contributions which paid for a full conference pass. My dad bought me an airline ticket with his points. And my fabulous food stealing partner-in-crime Jenijen is putting me up in a hotel. All i need is spending money and i'm good to go.

Thank-you all so much. Really.

I know it seems odd, at the very least, or more probably crazy that i'm taking off less than three weeks after my "incident," but i really need to do this. For me.

For me. There i said it. I am doing this for myself. And nothing anyone says can stop me. I never do anything just for me. Despite the bad timing, despite my recent "incident" - i deserve this.

It has been a strange and difficult week. Hardest has been the often harsh and sometimes cruel judgement people have made about me. Friends not able to speak to me. I have been hanging low, sleeping lots, drinking lots of water and playing as much softball as possible. Plus, hours spent talking, playing and hugging my kids. They are going to be okay.

I have been melancholy. Not in a bad way. I honestly feel like the bottom has been reached. Smashed headfirst into. I have nowhere to go but up. It is a great feeling. Every day feels full of hope because it cannot possibly be as bad as last saturday.

Last saturday. It seems very far away. I never thought i could ever reach that point of despair. I never thought i'd be in a place where nurses needed to remind me to breathe.

Thank you all so very, very much for your kind words. Really.

It has helped.

jess
xxoo

I think i'm about done with the instant messaging blogher wrap, but i'm not done with my endless ruminations because that is what i do. Think and think till it kills me.

I'm still trying to decompress and deal with the assault of emotion i felt this past weekend. As a note to husbands coming home to a messy house and seven loads of laundry and grumpy kids is a little overwhelming.

Anyway, After a very bumpy start where i literally walked through the hotel crying, pulling my sunglasses over my eyes, to meeting several amazing women and all the others i've talked about already and the ones i haven't, it has left me bereft of tears.

Tomorrow, for some unknown reason, i am off to vancouver to see my family who wish that blogging didn't exist.

In the meantime please picture me crying in san jose listening to this song that shane left on my computer for me to listen to while on my trip (he wrote it.) Oh my god i love my husband.

Sitting in the portland airport. Portland airport? I love your free wireless.

I'm really tired. Partly from staying up too late and partly from complete overstimulation. I've never been to a conference before. The prominent feel of being in a place with 700 other people who do the same thing is one of a false reality. A false sense of importance and celebrity. It's going to take me awhile to process it all. I also have to apologize for my poor spelling and grammar, the laptop i have been using is a little deficient.

After the mommyblogging panel yesterday i went to the panel "Is Your Blog a Canvas" with Mrs Kennedy, Elizabeth Perry and Ms Jen. It was the most inspiring panel i went to. I really felt motivated to try new things and take better care with what i am already doing.

Mrs Kennedy is an amazing woman. She's kind, endearing and smart. She really led the panel in a way that made it informative and interesting.

I met so many wonderful women it's hard to remember them all. I have a ton of business cards to go through and am eager to read some new blogs. I spoke with Alice a little last night and she was really sweet, but what i really took away from my conversation with her is that all of this is very important to her. She really cares about the things she says, the lessons people take from her and that people are treated fairly and with respect.

MaryBeth slept in this morning and raced out of the room so i didn't really get to say goodbye. I miss her already. I can't describe how truly sweet she is. I loved hearing her introduce herself with her cute little accent "Hello, I'm MaryBeth from Supafine."

I hung out with Jen from notcalm last night and i love her. Really, i do and not just because we both have four kids. We shared a beer and some stolen food and generally enjoyed finally meeting each other. I can hardly wait to see her again.

This morning at the airport i was bleary eyed tired and some woman stood behind me in line. And she talked and talked. I was feeling all rude because i was so tired and depleted of dialogue i could barely keep up the conversation. But then! She gave me her card and it was daring young mom! I had really wanted to meet her, but hadn't, so it felt kind of karmic that we met at the last minute like that.

Oh yes, I also went to the "Autonomy" panel with heather armstrong. She is famous for so many more reasons than just her fabulous writing. She is an amazing speaker. So poised and beautiful. She deserves every little good thing that comes her way.

I will now return, well after two more flights, to my regularly scheduled blogging. Well, i will probably let you in on a few new blogs over the next few weeks.

It was a sweltering hut of estrogen that mommyblogger room. sweetney, alice, and mir
were funny, charming and engaging. Marrit
, who led the panel (my href's aren't working i'll fix that later), was amazing. Really smart and practical.

The panel was largely, actually completely, unstructured which i found a little disappointing. I travelled all this was and this panel was the one most pertinent to me. Essentially, all the women lined up and asked a bunch of questions.

I sat beside an ad guy and he spent the whole time writing down the url's of everybody that spoke and writing little notes about them like "snarky" or "cute and funny" and his favourite "must check out!" Then him, and another ad guy in front of him, had a little freak out because ad's weren't showing up on Dooce's page properly.

I guess my biggest concern with the whole mommyblogging thing is that a precedent has been set by the "popular" bloggers that mom's are funny, full of quip. While i enjoy the funny writers, i also seek out the mothers who are honest and not always funny. They are real. I feel like the push for traffic, ads and comments is causing women to write in voices that are not necessarily their own. Nobody is funny all the time. Look at Dooce or Finslippy. The writing is so engaging because they have a balance between the snark, the mundane and the difficult.

I don't think ads or traffic are worth the loss of voice.

Sweet, wee little MB
. She is so sweet. We make a dandy couple wandering out to the pool, the two shyest girls in the place. We enjoyed ourselves at the cocktail party, MB left earlier than me because i wanted to hang out with Jen
and gwendomomma
a while longer. When i got back to our room MB was sleeping belly down, fully clothed with her head hanging over the side of the bed and drooling on her computer.

Today is the big conference day; more people, more intimate discussions. Doing the blogher ad network thing now and mommyblogger panel next.

My god, what did they put in those lemon drops? I've had about 6 bottles of the free water they're handing out, plus a tylenol 3 and pop. Still, eyes watering, head pounding.

I am having a fun time in spite of myself. I went to two more sessions today; the first on photography led by heather champ and the second on advertising. Both were great and informative.

I then spent a lovely hour hanging out with jenB
in my room. We talked kids, organics, fussy eaters and clothes and make-up. It's been so long since i've had a friend to talk to, i forgot how nice it can be. Jen is awesome, has great style and a superb heart. I hope we can hang out again.

The other person i've talked to quite a bit is amy. She is so cute. She's charming, down-to-earth and endearing. I'm so glad she thought i was Angela.

MB's
back from her day of shopping and what-nots and looking fab in a little black dress. We are off to the cocktail party by the pool. No lemon drops. Promise.

Okay, i'll admit it i didn't make a very good first impression this morning. I'll also tell you now just to get it out of the way that shane was wrong, i drank too much by the pool last night and it did help. Really.

It did not, however, help with the red-eyed, bad complexion, first impression this morning. MB and i hung out all morning and then had some brunch because i seriously thought i was going to die.

I'm sitting in this room with hundreds of women all eating chilli and baked potatoes. The Flcikr folks are speaking and hundreds of laptop computers are flickr'ing.

So many people. So many women. Thank god MB is here. Without her i would have been reduced back into a crumbling puddle. She is sweet and beautiful. We are doing pretty good. Slowly getting to know each other, yet somehow, comfortable like old friends. Like we've known each other for a long time. And we have.

This is my first internet hoook-up.

Also, the swag bags? Awesome. Bibs, condoms, books, pens.

Fun, fun, fun.

hair of the dog. stat.

After crying for a bit i called shane and he gave me a pep talk and i went BACK (seventh time) out to the pool. I spotted Karianna and she squeeled, gave me chocolates and called me the canadian dooce.

ahem.

I stayed with her for the rest of the night. She was cute and fun and bought me drinks on the club mom account. Hello lemon drop drink. I have never tasted your sweetness, nor felt the pain you are causing my head this morning.

I was also mistaken for Fluid Pudding several times.

Marybeth and i stil haven't met. I woke up in the middle of the night and she was here, spooning me.

I've been shopping. Finally got to see that sephora store that everyone talks about. Also managed to be suckered into $100 worth of make-up and skin creams because apparently i'm getting older and need to take better care of myself.

Also, some new shoes and gifts for the kids. Finally, i had to get out of there because (1) the mall was huge and i was worried about getting lost and (2) my extreme anxiety is causing me to spend money i don't really have on things i don't really need.

I find myself wandering around seeing little groups of people, recognizing them and hoping they will recognize me and say hello. They don't. I fear i'm totally unknown and unable to change that.

I did, however, moments ago, run into jenB who was sweet and charming and hugged me and it was fine. She also introduced me to melissa who looked just like her pictures, was sweet and had a bag full of booze, heather who is beautiful and tall and has great hair, alice who i love and adore and wish i could be friends with, mrs. kennedy who is one tall glass of water and sexy beyond belief, and maggie who is so cute, she looks like a friend you'd like to have.

They were all very nice to me and i was uncomfortable and, not surprisingly, at a loss for words. They were heading off to the mall and i wished so desperately i could be a tag along because i feel really lonely and like a loser. But who likes a loser. So, i will continue to try. But my heart is feeling a little sad and i wish shane was here to help me. He is the perfect compliment to me. He speaks for me when i need him to and helps coax me out of my shell so that i can actually get to know people and them me.

Last night after a glass (or two) of some very delicious Coppola chardonnay i got my nerve up to walk around outside. I walked by a woman sitting on a bench talking on her cell phone and recognized her. It was Jenn frommommy needs coffee!

I circled around her like the shy girl i am and finally got up the nerve to talk to her. She was really sweet and i'm pretty sure had no idea who i am and said y'all a lot. We talked for awhile and she made me laugh and feel a litlle better.

Today i am going to go shopping and shark around the hotel a bit and try and meet some people.

Here's my desk:

and here's me. Tired and nervous and in my jammies:

Strange day. I feel really weird today. Have all day. I've never been away from all my kids. I haven't been alone for nine years. Who the hell am i anyway?

Shane, being the awesomest husband ever left me a note and a song on my computer.

Here's the note (minus an x-rated p.s.)

Hi Beautiful,

Shane

I'd share the song, but fetch won't run on my stupid laptop. When mb get's her ass here maybe she can do it. Until then i leave you from lovely hotel room overlooking the highway.

Sitting in the seattle airport right now, waiting for my alaska airlines flight and hoping that my bag makes it through the flight change.

Airports are freaky. I'm feeling very country. Plus, all the restaurants and bars? Do we really need 17 choices of fast crap food whilst waiting to sit on a cramped plane and burp our ugly food in the airspace of, well, me?

I'm sorry but america is different from canada. Just a little bit, in some subtle way. I feel like the smiling leper. I asked some people as we were going through customs and security a question and they ignored me. Literally. Looked at me, listened to my question, and looked away and continued talking to each other.

And also, security and customs? That's some scary shit.

Going through US customs:

"why are you going to the hyatt?

"um, a conference."

"what kind of conference?"

"um, writing....internet stuff."

"do you speak american or gibberish?"

"actually, i speak english."

"what do you do for a living"

"i'm a mom."

"why are you going to the hyatt?"

"um, i'm a writer, i guess..."

"just go."

I'll be there this time tomorrow. I promise lots of minute-by-minute anxiety updates.

I spent the day moving a building. Moving a building! A portable classroom actually, in two parts. When the first half arrived and we set it down it was like a giant stage had been set down on our playground. An open building with markings on the blackboard about "math test results." It was amazing. Really. A building, or half of it driving down the road and knowing that i had bought it. That i did that.

I did that. I think about those words all the time. Every time someone comments on my kids. I did that. I loved my husband and i ate a bunch of veggie burritos and out popped that beautiful girl.

I have been dwelling on this feeling of insignificance. Is it me? Or is it you. All the people i meet. The people who politely ask what i do and shake their heads sympathetically when i say "i'm a mom." "Nothing really."

And don't get your knickers in an uproar. I know it's not nothing. It's like explaining blogging. "It's like my diary." "Except! You can read it and then feel all uncomfortable around me.'

I really don't know much of anything anymore. I know my head hurts. I am lonely. I'm listening to too many sad songs and staying up too late. My house is messy and it underwhelms me. My kids are annoying me.

Why can't they just get along?

I'm scattered. I need something, but i don't know what.

Who are you?

Are you lonely too?

This is jess's delurking day.

LOOK! Look! Debbie made this for me. She runs 60bugs and i love her stuff, and really, i love her too.

Today, while the kids and i were at the beach, we heard a large bang from up in the parking lot. I saw some men at a picnic table wonder "what the hell was that?"

I didn't really think anything of it as there is always logging (sadly) going on and the sound of a falling tree is surprisingly loud.

When i got to the car i noticed something really funky as i started to back out of the parking lot. I stopped and checked and my tire was, literally, gone. Exploded. Self-imploded.

I got the spare on and made it to the garage and the mechanic assured me he had never heard of such a thing happening. The thing is, it did happen. To me.

If a bad thing can happen, nine times out of ten, it will happen to me.

It got me thinking about blogher. I've tried not to talk about it too much because i felt so left out last year when i didn't get to go and reading all the posts was really bitter sweet.

But really? I'm going, and as far as i can tell the only canadians are me and jenB. No Ada, or chair!. or chantal, or dana.

None. And JenB is busy (even though i bought a coral pink blouse just for her because she thought it would be a good colour for me.) So really, though i'm psyched about sharing a room with MB, i feel the burden of standing up for us canadians eh? And i'm not worthy.

And i fear that there will be ample opportunities to drink alcohol and i have this problem when i'm uncomfortable that i drink too much and trip on my high heels because i never wear such things and then swear a LOT. Plus, my toenails are dirty. Country girl dirty. I'm going to buy some red nail polish in hopes of covering up the greasy grime.

I have to say my anxiety about BlogHer is really growing. What was i thinking? What am i going to wear? My shoes that are covered in chicken coop goop?

There's lots of cool people i want to meet, but i know i'm going to stumble over all my words. Ask anybody. I just can't carry on a conversation with anyone - except kids. Kids like me. I like kids.

I actually don't have a plane ticket yet. I did - sort of. But, i managed to alienate and piss off my entire *family. As a result i have no ticket. If i buy it on my credit card i will have no credit left to buy clothes to wear to the conference or money to spend at the conference which i'm not really sure i even want to go to now.

But, then again, at the very worst i could hang out in my room at the hotel and get lots of sleep and time alone. That in itself is reason to go isn't it.

Shane is traveling a lot over the next five months. Edmonton, Portland, Toronto and New York this month alone. Lot's of single parenting is coming my way between now and september. I really need that break.

Are you enjoying this conversation i'm having in my head? I didn't think so. I'm going to take photos for the ten things that make me happy meme from notcalm jen.

*i'm not actually allowed to use this word anymore in context with those who are related to me by blood so this will be the last time.

I was talking on the phone today with an old friend from victoria. She's in vancouver now and we rarely see each other, but try and keep in touch by phone and, most recently, by her reading my blog.

She called in a little bit of a frenzy because i guess she hadn't read in a while and was all "oh! OH! Jess is poor, and sad, and needs clothes for blogher, and needs medication and peeing in the bed advice! What is going on!"

So we had a long conversation about all the stuff and, of course, other (sex, boobies and plastic surgery) stuff.

She thinks it's weird that there are people out there who know so much about me. That people comment. That the internet is "full of weirdos. get out while you can!"

It made me feel all insecure. Like why the hell am i doing this anyway? I don't talk about my blog much to, you know *real people* because it is kind of weird. I publish intimate details of my life on the internet. And i REALLY don't know why.

What do you think? Why do we do this. And who are you anyway?

A few weeks ago i asked Paige at miss domestic if there was any way to get all her awesome mp3's grouped into one place. She came through with this great morning mix.

I downloaded it about a week ago and since then i have been listening to it non-stop. Luckily i have had a few long car trips and have found reason to go out driving at night. because, for me? I only really get to listen to music in the car. Especially in the car alone!

I love my new cd! It makes me miss my stolen ipod a little less. It makes me realize there is a lot of really great music out there.

It makes me understand why i love paige! And how does she do all that she does anyway?

Supa sent me this awesome photo (framed in lovely black) because i picked a few words. I am so happy to have this artwork hanging on my wall for many reasons.

First, because it reminds me that i know cool people and those people designed my site for me. And! And she's beautiful and cute with a son who is even cuter and more beautifuler.

Second, it reminds me that this life, the blogging life, that i participate in is real and perfect and without which i would surely have died this winter. At the very least i would be a withering wilting depressed mass.

Third, i love photos. And this is a good one.

Okay, so this summer i'm going to this thing (ssshhhhh blogher).

I jokingly asked someone (ssshhhh jenB!) if she could style me for the event. You see all my clothes they come from *cough* costco or old navy. I've become cheap. I've become stuck in the costco summer cropped pants and jeans in the winter. On top? I wear t-shirts and sweaters. And coats. Lots of coats. And scarves.

And california? That place is foreign to me. People with big lips and big boobs? Actually, i have big lips and big boobs. Just not that kind of big boobs. Big post-lactating boobs and ripply middle section.

So do me! What can i wear? Five feet seven inches, size 10 and hating of the tight clothes. Liking the black. Hating the white. Loving sandals and black boots. Nothing in between. No credit.

It's late. It's late and i have sufficiently numbed my mind with grammy awards and Lost and Weeds! to the point that i should really be in bed dreaming of Bono rather than here trying to type up something legible.

The grammy's make me want to puke. Shitty music followed up with lot's of bad botox. Sure, i missed a lot, but really at what point did becoming barbie ensure pop-starlet status. I am referring to Christina Agulillera (sp?) and i don't even know what the hell their names are, mimi or something... anyway i find it all so very annoying. The music seems so buried within the popular culture, it is almost secondary to the personna. It's just wrong.

I love music. I'm not so important to even care about what music i like - i just like that people like music. Music helps me to cope with life. I like to feel like i have a soundtrack that is only mine and when i walk along or drive along listening to the chords and the words that they are, for brief moments, part of my life. Recording my station at each interval.

I get great joy from watching parker and tristan, youngest and oldest, dancing together to random songs on her keyboard. I hope that my children can find consolation in music, and eventually bliss, like i have.

I don't even know what i'm trying to say.

Five chickens were murdered in my yard today.

By an owl.

It's all pretty cool - nature. How can i be angry with something so spectacular as a Great Horned Owl, or ten - they hunt in packs apparently.

And Weeds! Am i the only person who likes the show? I don't get it, what's not to love? My favourite 80's and 90's stars revisited as drug dealers/widows/mothers? I love it. Right, you're all watching american idol - losers! Just kidding (sort of).

And wrinkles! Really, tell me your beauty regime. Either here or on your own blog - link back.

I wash with Neutrogena Cleansing wash and finish with whatever anti-wrinkle cream is on sale, usually Oil of Olay, Neutrogena, L'Oreal or Nutrisse. In the morning i shower and lube myself up with Aveeno head-to-toe. I use Aveda shampoo and conditioner, AG Styling products and Bare Minerals make-up.

What about you?

Chair and Debbie tagged me to do this (what's becoming a rockstar) meme. Normally, i avoid the meme. It feels like a popularity contest, who tagged, or didn't tag, who. It makes me feel like i'm back in grade 7 and i was, usually, the one not invited to the sleepover. So, here it is:

4 jobs in your life

Selling shoes at the uber-cool John Fluevog Shoes
Cleaning doctors offices
Hostess at Capilano Suspension Bridge
Advertising Director at CFUV, campus radio at University of Victoria

4 movies you could watch over and over

I never watch movies more than once, well rarely, except these:

National Lampoon Christmas Vacation
American Beauty
Garden State
The Unbearable Lightness of Being

4 tv shows you love to watch

Huff - is it ever coming back?
Weeds
Survivor
Grey's Anatomy

4 places you have lived

North Vancouver
East Vancouver
Victoria
where i am now, but it's a secret

4 places you have been on vacation

Lisbon, Portugal
Kihei, Maui
Toronto, Ontario
Los Angeles

4 websites you visit daily

me
you
again
and again

4 of your favorite foods

chocolate
spaghetti
tacos
fancy salads

4 places you'd rather be right now

in bed
in the shower - i stink
on holiday
with jen, or chantal, or jenb, or mb, or ada.

4 bloggers you are tagging

bite me, everybody else did this long ago. I am the one sitting home alone watching breakfast club dying my hair black and crimping it.

I have noticed a rumbling in the air regarding attendance at BlogHer. In summary some women don't want to go because it's a popularity contest or some similar reason.

I beg to differ! Big surprise. After the conference last year there was a hell of a lot of posting and pictures by many bloggers recapping the wonderful time they had at the conference. It did get a little sickeningly sweet and sappy. It didn't make me mad, it made me a little bored and so i STOPPED reading the BlogHer posts. It seems like a simple idea.

I found the posts a little tedious and self-absorbed, not the bloggers themselves or the conference. I liked the idea though that all these women who had never met, but had shared a common thread through writing had a reason to get together and meet. Technology lessons aside.

I think that any conference that encourages women who are otherwise trapped inside their lives to get up and get together and learn, and network and bond is a good thing. Speaking as a stay-at-home mother i can't think of any other instance where i would be given the opportunity to travel to a conference. It's a moment that legitimizes what i do and will hopefully leave me with more than a hangover. I am going to meet people, of course, blogging is a social phenomenon - but, i am also going to learn cool technical things. Because the more control i have over every aspect of this little blog, the more power i have (at least in my mind and that's what counts) on the internet.

I understand the financial restraints - it's going to cost a chunk of change - no doubt. But, for our family this is probably my only chance to actually do anything for a long time. Sure, we can drive places, camp - all the usual activities. Travel on a plane though? Six of us? That is never going to happen. San Jose? That is a trip.

I suppose i'm just bummed that we can't all get along. Now, it's not just the other bloggers dogging on the 'mothers who blog' it's also the 'mothers who blog' pooping on each others party.