What i realized is that, last year, people may not have been all that uncomfortable around me. I'm just, completely, socially inept. I don't like parties. I don't like staying up late hooting and hollering. I like to stay up late with the swirling in my head to keep me company.

It's been lovely, surprising and humbling to have complete strangers walk up and tell me how much they like my writing.

My panel went really well. I felt calm when i went in and calm throughout. It went by really fast and i really didn't feel like i had a chance to say much. But, it was (again) humbling and inspiring to hear words come out of my mouth that really, truly reflected my thoughts over this past year. I am here again and for awhile i didn't think i would make it. I have healed and survived and i am doing better. I never spoke those words out loud until today.

A real and true highlight for me, aside from speaking - which i am truly proud of, has been meeting and re-meeting some amazing women. Schmutzie, Angela, Alana and Rachel have been my go to people. The ones who i sit with in the morning and the evening, who i take taxis with and abandon when i'm overwhelmed. Like tonight, best laid plans to attend the cocktail party and go for dinner. I had to leave. A party in a department store? With all the lights on and people still shopping? Weird and too much for me.

I came back to my room and realized i miss being married. I am sad that i am about to fly home and be all alone again. I am tired of being alone, yet seek loneliness. I miss having someone i am completely comfortable with.

I rode in a limo to the hotel which made me feel like an even bigger country girl because i was so excited about it.

My arrival saw me in tears at the registration desk as my credit card was denied and they wanted double the amount of cash as my total bill. I was ready to walk away when gwendomama, who is the sweetest woman in the world, swooped in and saved my day with a simple swipe of her credit card.

I have a room of my own that, despite the expense, seemed mandatory for my mental health.

Rachel and i crashed the AllTop/Kirtsy party at Guy Kawasaki's house. It was an amazing house and really a lovely party. Although i'm not listed on AllTop i can say that i licked Mr Kawasaki's pasta fork.

I'm not sure if i'm feeling a little more confidant this year, or what? But, i am having a better time, talking to more people and really not feeling the pressure or stress.

Not really. I am bone weary tired after eight days of work. But, i got cash in my pocket and a plane ticket in my purse.

I am off like a dirty shirt. A dirty shirt that is grump and ragged and has no grand clothing plans.

Whatever.

I'm on my way. Again.

Healthy in mind and body.

I'm wishing me luck.

My kids have been away for seven nights. In one more night they will return to me. I have enjoyed the break, but i've felt this part of me missing the whole time. The energy from my kids lifts me, inspires me. This week, if anything, has taught me how much they have enriched my life. Made it better.

Last night i worked a wedding. It was sad and beautiful and romantic. It made me sad because i saw this couple in their thirties combining their two families into one. Kids and all. They seemed so happy. So content and in love. I wish that i had been more careful with love. Realized what a great gift it is to have someone love you.

Love is a gift and you can only take advantage of it for so long before it is gone. And when love is gone, it is usually gone forever.

Through the night my good friend's grandmother passed away in her sleep. Of all the ways to go it seems the easiest, but who am i to say. I kind of want to know it's coming. Anyway, it's been a strange 24 hours. Last night my friend and i were dancing behind the bar in the restaurant, laughing and being silly. Then at the end of the night we sat and listened to a story of a failed attempt to propose. Then home, exhausted at 3am, thinking of marriage and divorce and love and lost love. And, this morning, back to work to hear of my friend's loss. It all seems so fragile. These tiny moments of life.

These tiny treasures that we are given.

I had this ugly realization this morning. I am greedy.

It never really occurred to me. I always thought of myself as a giving and generous person. But, i have been greedy and i don't like this picture of me.

I think there is a certain need for greed. We need to take care of ourselves. As women and mothers we often put ourselves behind those that we love and take care of. Clothes and food, nurturing and love go to others first. At times it feels right to be this way. It feels like the natural order. Things are as they should be when everyone is taken care of, their needs satisfied.

I did that for so many years. Everybody first.

And then i changed all that. I put my needs first. I thought it was just for awhile, until i got back on my feet. But then, the months went by. Ten months actually. And i sat here this morning looking at the new outfit i bought to travel to san fransisco with me and the hair and thought i didn't deserve this. My kids deserve a holiday and time with me, yet here i am spending all my spare pennies on this trip. This trip that will probably cause me lots of anxiety and stress and, let's face it, the potential for additional income is so slim. Who wants to spend advertising dollars on a crazy single mom who doesn't really shop, believes in a less is more simple life, and lives on the cusp of poverty?

I'm not changing my mind about going. It's too late for that.

I'm not changing my mind about making my own needs important. I just feel the need to shift the scale back to balance, start taking care of the people i love and cherish a bit better.

Things are going just fine without the kids. I've gotten in this zen of knowing they are okay and enjoying the break from babysitters and early mornings after late nights at work.

I spent several hours on the beach yesterday and came up with a beautiful and sad story that i think is the beginnings of my new novel. I don't think i'll save it for NaNoWriMo. I think i will start plugging away. It's exciting. Getting to be a speaker at BlogHer has invigorated me.

In previous years the days and weeks leading up to the conference had me worried about clothes and white teeth. This year i'll have none of that. P-shaw trivial worries. I'm just excited to get there. Embrace the chaos of the conference.

I feel on an upswing for no particular reason. Just happy to be alive and coming through, coming full circle.

My life is so far from perfect, but it is my little life.

I wish i had written more this year because i hardly remember a thing. This year, first year, post loss of marriage and the life i expected has been so very difficult. I can hardly give justice to the emotions that i have gone through. The complete heartbreak, guilt, shame, pride, exhaustion. Everything coming full circle on a daily basis. It has been so tiring. Just this bone weary tired. I never thought i could fight my way through a year like this, but i have.

And here i am, full circle. Off to the conference, healthy in mind and body - well healthier - and feeling ready to take it all in. This year i am not broken. I am healing. I am alone, yet loved in so many ways that were unimaginable to me in the past. I am just so grateful and thankful. Tonight i am happy.

After eating my quota of stoned wheat thins and cream cheese with pomegranate jelly i feel a little rejuvenated after this long day of work, long week of work.

I am feeling silly, rambunctious, missing tonight.

I kissed my kids goodbye this afternoon as they head off on an adventure. An adventure that involves first flights on airplanes, family reunions that don't involve me and the longest time we have ever been apart. They are gone until a week tuesday. I am feeling the shock of losing these pieces of me. These little ties that have been bound to me for the past eleven years. I made frantic calls tonight about epipens and distances to hospitals; torn by the loss of control.

I have scheduled myself with lots of work while they are gone. Work and getting organized for BlogHer.

Did i tell you that i can't brush my teeth without feeling like i have to pee? What about those libraries? They make me feel a deep need too.

I am nervous about the conference. Won't you be nice to me? Come and see me speak.

We spent the afternoon lazily at the lake. The kids swimming and sunning. I was feeling calm and melancholy. I feel that way a lot.

A quiet resolve. Trying to be at peace with this loneliness.

It's not that different from my life was as a stay at home. That was lonely too. Days spent with children and rare adult interaction. The days are still the same. I think the loneliness comes from knowing that at night there will be no adult conversation. There will be kids and baths and bedtime stories, or there will be work. With work, at least, i get some adult conversation. But, it is really a one way street. People like to talk about themselves, i like to indulge them. It helps me to escape my life for awhile. Imagine their lives and how different they are from mine.

In ways it is good. I am really beginning to know myself. See all the little faults. I would say i am getting used to this, but that's not it. It's a resolve to loneliness.

Holy crap it's been a long search. I can't tell you what a relief it is to finally have someone who is available to watch the kids in the evening, is responsible, can drive and the very best part? She did the dishes!

Seriously, srsly, i went to work feeling like i could just do my job and not fret that the kids were unhappy.

She is close to my age, a PHd student, lives three blocks away, comes from a divorced family with three siblings and drives a car big enough to fit all my kids. I feel like, for the first time, the stars have aligned and things are going my way.

It seems like such a small thing, but the childcare issue has been such a problem for me.

Happy Canada day indeed.

I'm coming up to one year since my suicide attempt last summer. I have come far in many ways, but i still have so far to go.

I had a small crisis last night. It's been an emotionally draining month. I let my mental health slide a little. It sort of creeps up on you - anxiety, depression, even sadness. You don't recognize the warning signs. Life just slowly gets a little grayer, a little harder.

I forgot more often than not to take my vitamins, i started driving to work instead of walking, staying up late with wine, fatigue, loss of concentration. All just a little at a time.

Last night i realized that dark thoughts were swirling in my head. It frightened me. I found help and i was grateful for it, but ashamed.

Ashamed that i can't be better. All better. It's what i want. I know it will never be that way. That i will always carry this with me. That i need to be constantly vigilant about my health. I need to always monitor my lifestyle. It's hard now that i am alone. There is no one to watch over me. No one to let me know when my steps are going backwards.

I am glad i had that crisis last night though. It made me realize that things were slipping. That i need to simplify my life. Try and reduce stress, as much as stress is controllable. I need to be healthy. More importantly, i want to be healthy.

One of the hardest, most stressful parts of my days is finding babysitters. Capable babysitters. I had a couple of really great ones, but they are in their 20's now and have better, more exciting ways to earn money. Like working at burger king.

My kids are not the easiest to look after. Toby and parker tend, rather often, towards the highly rambunctious passionate play. Play that often ends in tears, hitting and screaming. Eliza has this nut allergy that requires me to train new sitters how to identify an allergic reaction and administer epinephrine. Tristan is pretty much perfect, except for her propensity to stay up till midnight reading.

So, last night i finally found a sitter to try. A lovely girl. I was hopeful. I was relieved. I was skeptical.

Most days it takes everything i have to make it through the day without bursting into tears of frustration and getting the various chores of cooking, cleaning and laundry done.

Things were going well. I checked in at 9:30 and all was quiet and kids tucked in. At 10pm i had a table walk in, meaning i would be working for another two hours. At 10:23 the sitter called and flu fest had suddenly, without warning, struck my home. Eliza had thrown-up all over herself and her bed. Toby was moaning with a tummy ache. I was panicked. I really wanted to be there and make sure everything was okay. I remember as a child being sick around other people. It wasn't a nurturing feeling.

I had to plow through. Have faith they would be okay.

I ran into the house at midnight. And all was okay. They were sick, yes. But they were all snuggled on the couch together waiting for me to come and sort through the smelly sheets and tuck them back in. I kind of felt like a hero, a good mommy, for a few moments.

And now? Maybe i have a babysitter. (fingers crossed)

Camping was great as camping is want to be. The kids and i had a great time just being away from the rush of the school/work schedule.

I love the campsite we went to. It's perfect for kids - lots of freedom to spend days riding bikes, combing the beach for shells and lounging around the campfire. I spent hours at the beach watching the kids and the mountains and the ocean. Thinking. Thinking.

I am searching for answers i just can't find. I keep searching my soul, my heart asking, begging, for answers. It's so hard.

I had to switch my focus back to the kids. Answers don't magically arrive. I need to keep myself in the present. I can't change the past and i can't see into the future. I can, however, live right now. Right here in these magical days of childhood bliss.

I need to be more present for the kids. When i get lost in my own problems, my own space, i'm not there for them and i am certainly not parenting well. I find myself being less patient, quicker to snap. I don't like it when i behave like that, though at times they quite simply are being little rotters. Mostly though they are kids who've had a tough year too and they just want to be with me and spend some quality time.

Camping did that for us.

After i finish work tonight i am headed to meet the kids at our favourite campsite. Summer has officially arrived.

The end of the school year was bittersweet. I resigned as president of the kids school because of some crazy politics. It's hard to give up something that you love and have poured so much energy into.

I really love that school. I'll just have to learn to love it in a different way. As a parent. As a wonderful place for my kids.

I can hardly wait to get away tonight and just be with the kids for a few days without work and life stress.

The beautiful sunset is calling my name.

Two days ago Toby turned nine years old. Thus bringing to a close the month of birthdays.

Toby is my sensitive, tender-hearted boy. He often gets hurt in that way where your heart gets big in your chest and you have to fight hard not to break into tears. I remember feeling that way a lot as a child. It is always painful to watch him when he feels that way. Often it is over a small thing that would be insignificant to other children, but Toby feels it deep in his soul.

He is also a wonderful friend. Both for me and the kids. He is chatty and inquisitive and observant. He knows where everything is at my house, his dads house and even his classroom. His teacher commented to me recently that she wouldn't be able to run her class so well if it wasn't for the help of my little guy.

His friends at school adore him. I watch them interact and it makes me feel all gooey inside to see him leading a group of boys in one fort building project or another.

Reading and writing are still a struggle for Toby. The hardest part is not letting him get discouraged. He so badly wants to be like all the other kids and feels ashamed when he can't keep up. He doesn't understand that his Apraxia makes it difficult for him, not any incompetence on his part. He's a really clever boy and compensates for his learning disability in creative ways.

He often sneaks in bed with me and i know he's there as he digs his feet into my back. He always wakes up with a smile. The mornings are the only time i can get a hug out of him now.

I love him and am so proud of him. I hope life gets a little easier for him this year.

My heart can feel like it is breaking, literally falling out of my body. Tight and hot inside my chest. Pounding so hard and fast that I literally feel it jumping out of me, wondering when it will actually just split me wide open and fall out on the floor.

Sometimes it will be the small things. Speaking with one of the teenage kids at work about their experiences coming from a broken home. Trying to answer my kids questions. All the “whys” that come from their tiny mouths. Wondering if they can see my heart as I hold in the tears and force a smile.

Sometimes it’s the big things. Harsh and hurtful words coming in emails. Going to see lawyers and financial planners. Anxiety attacks in homes that have become unfamiliar to me, homes which were once mine, but are unfamiliar now. Employment which is unreliable. Babysitters that have better lives and jobs making more change and unfamiliarity in my home.

Other times my heart is strong.

Sometimes it’s friends. Flowers dropped off. Vegetable garden thriving, eating the first salad grown in my home.

Sometimes it’s the children. Pudgy, still pre-schooler hands rubbing my back in the morning. Daughters singing away, out of tune, listening to their new ipod. Sons yelling out “I love you” from their beds when they should be sleeping. Finally purchasing a kitchen table where we can all sit together and be a family.

I have learned that my heart is fluid. Moving from one end of the spectrum to the other. Always beating away, reminding me that I am alive. I am alive. I have love.