My kids have been away for seven nights. In one more night they will return to me. I have enjoyed the break, but i've felt this part of me missing the whole time. The energy from my kids lifts me, inspires me. This week, if anything, has taught me how much they have enriched my life. Made it better.

Last night i worked a wedding. It was sad and beautiful and romantic. It made me sad because i saw this couple in their thirties combining their two families into one. Kids and all. They seemed so happy. So content and in love. I wish that i had been more careful with love. Realized what a great gift it is to have someone love you.

Love is a gift and you can only take advantage of it for so long before it is gone. And when love is gone, it is usually gone forever.

Through the night my good friend's grandmother passed away in her sleep. Of all the ways to go it seems the easiest, but who am i to say. I kind of want to know it's coming. Anyway, it's been a strange 24 hours. Last night my friend and i were dancing behind the bar in the restaurant, laughing and being silly. Then at the end of the night we sat and listened to a story of a failed attempt to propose. Then home, exhausted at 3am, thinking of marriage and divorce and love and lost love. And, this morning, back to work to hear of my friend's loss. It all seems so fragile. These tiny moments of life.

These tiny treasures that we are given.

I had this ugly realization this morning. I am greedy.

It never really occurred to me. I always thought of myself as a giving and generous person. But, i have been greedy and i don't like this picture of me.

I think there is a certain need for greed. We need to take care of ourselves. As women and mothers we often put ourselves behind those that we love and take care of. Clothes and food, nurturing and love go to others first. At times it feels right to be this way. It feels like the natural order. Things are as they should be when everyone is taken care of, their needs satisfied.

I did that for so many years. Everybody first.

And then i changed all that. I put my needs first. I thought it was just for awhile, until i got back on my feet. But then, the months went by. Ten months actually. And i sat here this morning looking at the new outfit i bought to travel to san fransisco with me and the hair and thought i didn't deserve this. My kids deserve a holiday and time with me, yet here i am spending all my spare pennies on this trip. This trip that will probably cause me lots of anxiety and stress and, let's face it, the potential for additional income is so slim. Who wants to spend advertising dollars on a crazy single mom who doesn't really shop, believes in a less is more simple life, and lives on the cusp of poverty?

I'm not changing my mind about going. It's too late for that.

I'm not changing my mind about making my own needs important. I just feel the need to shift the scale back to balance, start taking care of the people i love and cherish a bit better.

I'm coming up to one year since my suicide attempt last summer. I have come far in many ways, but i still have so far to go.

I had a small crisis last night. It's been an emotionally draining month. I let my mental health slide a little. It sort of creeps up on you - anxiety, depression, even sadness. You don't recognize the warning signs. Life just slowly gets a little grayer, a little harder.

I forgot more often than not to take my vitamins, i started driving to work instead of walking, staying up late with wine, fatigue, loss of concentration. All just a little at a time.

Last night i realized that dark thoughts were swirling in my head. It frightened me. I found help and i was grateful for it, but ashamed.

Ashamed that i can't be better. All better. It's what i want. I know it will never be that way. That i will always carry this with me. That i need to be constantly vigilant about my health. I need to always monitor my lifestyle. It's hard now that i am alone. There is no one to watch over me. No one to let me know when my steps are going backwards.

I am glad i had that crisis last night though. It made me realize that things were slipping. That i need to simplify my life. Try and reduce stress, as much as stress is controllable. I need to be healthy. More importantly, i want to be healthy.

I have this feeling gnawing away at me from inside. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but i know it's there. It's always there.

Something like waiting. Or perhaps it's longing.

I just want a normal life. Or, at least, to get used to the one i have. Stop hanging around, pedaling backwards, not moving forwards.

I suppose i am well. I am healthy. Mentally and physically. My heart is brittle right now. Not as resilient as it once was. Closing the door on my old life has left me feeling this myriad of emotions. Crushing despair to relief. All things in between.

I watch the flowers blooming outside. The butterflies dipping and diving in the lilac trees. The children laughing on the field. All of it should be filling me with joy. But instead, i have this thing, this feeling. This feeling that i have lost half of myself.

Dude. It's been snowing for the past four days. I live on the west coast. Rain yes. Snow no.

It's a little hard on my fragile mental state to have been lulled into spring last week and this week trudging around in snow boots gingerly trying to wipe the snow off my freshly planted perennials.

But life goes along as it wants to. I am getting much more comfortable with that.

The new swear word of choice in my house is "doombah." As in " curry chicken for dinner!? mom is a doombah!"

We had lovely weather this weekend. I spent a few hours in the sun between hours at the restaurant, watched the sunset as i served customers on the balcony. I had a sense of calm contemplation throughout. I began a new understanding.

An understanding of this new life.

I know i have repeated myself over and over these past months. Constantly shifting and moving my thoughts. Up and down. I know that going off my medication was risky. I know that medicine helps people. But, i needed a clear head. I need to feel the full brunt of emotion as i travel this difficult road from one life to another. I needed clarity in the turmoil.

As i sat by the fire last night i realized that i have been living my life as an onlooker. Watching myself go through the paces. Each day another step in the shadows. The shadow of guilt and despair hanging heavy for me. Wallowing. I understood that the past happened. I cannot change it. I need to forgive myself if i am going to live a life that is more than a blur.

I am a good person. I am surrounded by beauty and generosity and love. I have beautiful children whom i adore and adore me. I have a beautiful home in a wonderful community. My kids and i have the great fortune to be safe and healthy.

I have made mistakes. Mistakes that many people make. To forgive is, truly, divine.

I am ready to begin this new life. I am ready.

and it is true
my hands are covered in blood
the blood is my own
i feel like i have been bleeding for months, for years
all the tears are really just the final pressure points erupting from my heart
and just the other night i sat in front of the fire, completely alone
alone in my home, alone in my world
complete exhaustion takes me frequently now, i fall asleep
the arms of my youngest son wrapped around me
snuggled together in our family bed
and when my children are not here
i fall asleep in my lovers' arms
not much of a mother
or a lover anymore
the toll of working and money and stress
marriage and divorce and reconciliations
children and separation anxiety and homework
and guilt
all taking their course
working their way through my sick and tired body
the skin cancer
the depression
the anxiety
i feel like calling the bluff
on this year that keeps on getting harder
and soon it will stretch into three years
there was depression 2006!
fuck you depression 2007
and now, 2008 you will not get me

and you will not
if only the sun would warm my body
if only i wasn't bone chilled and body fatigued
if only i could find answers
instead of never, ever, ending questions

and i mark on my calendar
all the days that i have been bleeding this year.

I was blown away when i got my photobucket pictures last week and saw this photo in it. All this time i had thought i was in the psych ward last january when it was actually the end of march.

I have wished many times over the pat year to go back to that bed. To change the course of events that followed. I would have stayed in the hospital longer instead of letting the guilt of being away from my children push me to leave too soon.

I would have told the psychiatrists the truth over the depths of despair i was feeling. I would have told them that thoughts of suicide were plaguing me. How i would spend hours planning, feeling the only answer to the pain in my heart and my head was a final escape.

I would have stayed there and worked on getting better. Maybe i could have avoided the mess my life would become in the following year.

I want to say sorry to that woman sitting there and the man with the hand behind her.

And you sit here in your freezing house because you ran out of oil and the wood stove only heats one room and is so much work to keep going and the kids are miserable and cold as are you sleeping fully clothed, shivering, not remembering the last time you were warm and the kids ask "why can't we all just live together?" and you cry quietly in the bathroom for all you have lost and the poverty that has crept in to your life and another night of pasta for dinner and the endless oddjobs that you do just to make ends meet when they really aren't meeting at all and your husband, cause we are not divorced yet, sits in your house with your name on the mortgage papers entertaining girlfriends in your dream home in your fancy bed that you bought together because of the painful sciatica you had in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th pregnancies, the bed where you conceived children, the sheets you bought, the blankets your grandmother knitted, the house you made a home, the chicken coop left barren and empty, the yard you tried to beg into submission all left unattended and you brought this all on yourself as you sit lonely and stewing as you sent him away with best wishes and intentions just a few days ago to pursue his life and you think this really sucks.

rant off

The thing is i am really ready for spring. I know i am a little wimpy but it snowed all week here and yesterday we woke up to 30cm of snow on the ground. A winter day. In spring. The kids and i all looked out the window and we didn't even want to go out and play. We are tired of the cold, the damp. Our garden is sitting ready to plant. New raised beds built. Plans made.

Winter is tough for most people. It is hard for me. I have spent the last six months going through the motions of a life. A constant trudge through the guck. Working, sleeping, parenting. Thinking that "it will get better, it has to get better." Spring has sat on the horizon with it's promise of new beginnings. Winter was the segue between married and divorced. The long intermission in which we paced back and forth waiting for the second act to start.

The long period of denial has passed. Now i sit alone on the weekends. Part of me relishing the peace and quiet. The moments without children and interruption. Part of me lost without the security blanket of motherhood.

I am terrified of the future now. On the far side of my thirties life is starting again. I have to figure out how i am going to support myself and my children for the rest of it. Will i ever own a home again? Will i find a career? Will i spend the rest of my days trudging through small menial jobs, working for the weekend, for the paycheque. Chained to servitude.

I enjoy being a waitress. I like the escape that the restaurant provides. Completely immersing myself in the stories of the night. The craziness of the service industry. In a strange way it fuels my need for human contact, to be up and alive at night, to create small memories for people. Spending long moments at tables while i make tableside caesar salads and flambés. Chatting away about celebrations and the marking of special events in lifetimes.

I wish it was an occupation that was more accepting of maturity. Female servers are rarely in their 40's. It is a profession built around youthfulness and beauty. It makes me cringe to think, for the first time in my life, i am getting old. The thought of finding another job or going back to school makes me weary. Bone tired.

As i was wandering through my day with the kids i realized how much i have missed this year. I have been so tired, so sad, so overwhelmed, so busy. In many ways this year has been a blur.

If you ask me about BlogHer last summer i have barely a story, barely a memory.

I looked at eliza today, really looked. And my god that girl has grown. She has blossomed. She is reading. She is growing in to that red-headed feisty cliché. She stands her ground with me more than any of my other children. She dares me to be angry with her while smiling that freckle-faced dimpled grin that she was born with.

And what happened? What happened to the year. I have memories here and in photos. But, my mind draws a blank when i try to think of little moments.

I remember her as a baby and a toddler. All chubby goodness and giggling grins. Days and weeks in the hospital with her. Allergies and asthma. Failure to thrive. Worry.

And here she is now. Today. Such a beautiful, wonderful little girl. My shadow, my reflection. It is so difficult to show her how much i love her when she drives me so crazy with her confidence.

And it makes me a little sad to see them growing so quickly. The threads of babyhood and toddlers long broken. Me so wrapped up in my own pain and change, missing the little nuances.

I need to slow down again. Life is here, right in front of me. I need to wake up. I need to stop beating myself up about everything i don't have and can't do. I need to be present again before it is all done.

I've been running. I've been running for so long. Running to find something. Running from something.

I realized it this weekend when i had a moment. A small moment. I was confronted with all my faults. My children's faces shining in front of me. I understood what this side of my personality has cost us. My family. They have suffered through my fidgeting through the years. Always antsy for something more. Something else. Never really seeing what i had right in front of me.

The children are on spring break. Their dad dropped them off early this morning, still in their pajamas. I was tired from late nights at work. I really wanted to just curl up and ignore the world for the day. But they had expectations and they were all in great moods.

All these sweet faces jumping on me in my bed. Kissing me. Telling me the tales of their weekend. It was one of those mornings where i really wished i could just embrace them, the moment, the day. I just couldn't. Today i just felt tired. The whirlwind of work when i don't have the kids. Late nights. Early mornings. I just wanted to be alone. For a day. A week.

It was the first time i can ever remember feeling that way. Like i just didn't want to be a parent today.

Life has been a little hard lately. I hesitate to even speak of hard things now. I fear the worrying gaze of "you should be on medication." The little doubts i hold about that in my own head.

Truth be told i really don't feel any different now that i am free and clear of mood stabilizers. My moods are still the same. Radically shifting. Deeply introspective.

I have spent so much of my life wrapped up in my own thoughts. I have been quiet, introverted my whole life. I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to say what i am thinking. It's like i have this film constantly playing in my head at a thirty second delay:

When i just yelled at toby - right then - i could feel his pain. i could see him shriveling. why did i do that. kiss him. good. now tell him your sorry.

why are you asking me how i feel about you. can't you see it. it's right here, right in front of you. can't you hear what i'm thinking. stop looking away. stop biting your lip. just speak. why can't you speak. why are the words so easy in my head. i should just write a letter. that would be easier. that's right just get up and leave. it's easier this way

I have been questioning every single decision i made this year. Am i really better off now? I just don't know the answer. It is eating at me. Making me physically sick. My stomach is a wringing mess. All acid and bitter.

It's been a rough few days. My little cat, Hobbes, was hit by a car on friday morning. He died instantly. The woman who hit him had the wonderful heart to knock on my door and tell me. I went and scooped him up and wrapped him in a towel and placed his body in a basket and left him on my front steps for an hour or so until the kids woke up.

I was so nervous. So scared. Having to deal with this all by myself. But i did.

I told the kids right away and they cried for awhile and we talked a bit about death and all those questions. I asked them what they wanted to do with him and if they wanted to see him. They were stoic and graceful and brave. We found a perfect spot at the back of the yard, under the shade of the trees and amidst the blossoming snowdrops. I dug a hole and got the boys to collect a pile of bricks while the girls transplanted some more flowers nearby.

Then i picked up Hobbes's broken body in the towel and asked them if they were sure they wanted to see him, not really sure i did, warned them that there was blood. They wanted to. I opened the towel and we all cried and pet him and gave him kisses. It wasn't frightening or scary. It was sad and beautiful and we all felt better to say goodbye.

We buried him shortly after. Piling leaves and flowers on top of him and making a circle of bricks around him. We can see him from the kitchen window. The spring sun shining on his flowers. We miss him very much.

A family member just came to visit for a couple of days. It was nice. I feel so proud of my new home. Of my new life. Of all the things i have accomplished.

I just want to share it. Share it with my family. I want to be accepted and loved. I want to be felt proud of.

Family is so hard. I have such a deeper appreciation now for what family means and all the good things mine taught me. I was never an easy child. I have always been distant, difficult to know. I have a lot of trouble letting my family in. It is hard for them, they don't really understand me. I am always filled with expectation and hope about our relationship and always leave feeling lonely and misunderstood.

I'm beginning to see that my expectations are not realistic. If i want to be loved, i need to love. If i want to be understood, i need to understand, i need to share.

I am trying harder to do that. To let them in a little. Let them in without feeling worry or shame about who i am.

Part of it is the mental illness. My family has a hard time understanding it, feeling like helpless onlookers. I have taken that as a personal slight instead of trying to explain it better. I always retreat to the "everything is fine" corner when i should have been saying "it's not okay, but there's not much you can do."

I have always been ashamed, trying to protect them from the pain and hurt and worry. Instead i made them worry more. I'm not sure exactly how changing these behaviours and patterns will happen or how to make it happen. But, i am aware of it now.

Well, i guess i am all done with the detoxing. It's hard to tell because i am wrapped up in lack of sleep and parenting and working and trying to figure out my life.

But i feel good. I feel fine. I am getting on. Getting by.

I had the kids on friday night. A weekend night without work. We had a slumber party and the first bonfire of the season. The kids danced with sticks full of embers. Smashing them together and on the ground, marveling in the power of fire and sparks. The magic of being a child out in the darkness of a winter night. I introduced them to the man i have been dating. It felt like the right time. He is a wonderful person who has shown me the beauty of the world. The simpler things. A kinder person i have never met.

I'm not going to say much about him. It just felt like time to introduce this other part of my life. He has kept me sane. He has listened to my joys and sadness. He has held me when i cried, pushed me to believe in myself. He has been my friend in a time when i can count friends on half a hand.

And i waited a long time to introduce my kids to him. They knew his name. Knew that i alone couldn't have been chopping all that wood. They noticed two coffee cups on the counter when they return to our home. I have been cautious and nervous about the introduction of new people in their lives. But i also knew that they were feeling like some unknown stranger was in their home when they weren't around. And that? That made them nervous. More nervous than the thought of a boyfriend.

And it went well. A few hours. Some wood collected by the boys. A bonfire started, roasting sticks found and many marshmallows. And? At the end of the night toby said "mom, i'm glad we met bill."

I am doing well. I know people are watching me. Worried. Waiting for me to fall. Hoping for the best.

The kids and i had a wonderful day. Actually, couple of days. We went for a long walk along the traintracks and the edge of the lake yesterday. Catching up on our weekends apart. Tristan had been in vancouver living it up and being spoiled by my parents. The other three spent the weekend at their dads while i continued to detoxify and withdraw.

It is going as i expected. Moments of anxiety, panic, sadness. Lots of pain and nausea. But, i know it should get better. It will get better. I talked to a doctor on the phone tonight when i began to panic after looking in the mirror, at night, and realizing that my pupils were very constricted. Pupils so small i could barely see them. It freaked me out. Here i am, feeling sick and dizzy, nauseous, pale and sweaty. Really, i've been feeling like i am very ill. Really sick, like i'm laying on my death bed. I imagine that sometimes. When i am laying in bed, holding my head, i really am dying. This is way worse than withdrawal. I have a secret underlying condition that is killing me and i am blaming it on withdrawal. But, i don't. I was on a medication that doctors routinely prescribe without a single mention of side-effects or discontinuation effects.

Anyway, if you click on parker up there you will see a bunch of cute photos from today that will assure you all is well.

xx
jess

I quit my job today. One of them. I had a moment. I am too old to be treated like a child.

I had a dream last night. I was late for work. I was running to work in my pajamas and my snow boots. My teeth weren't brushed. Just as i was almost there. Right at the side of the parking lot. A limo rushed in, screeched to a halt. Out jumped my dad and Peter Jennings ( a national news correspondant). Peter ran right up to me, a couple of centimeters from my face, and said "Jess! What are you going to do with your life? What are you going to be when you grow up?!!"

I tried to turn my face away so he wouldn't notice my bad breath. I went to answer. And i woke up. Sweaty.

Stewing all day today. A little moment at work. It all became clear. And i quit.

Because this is what i want to do. What i have always wanted to do. To begin this beginning i introduce "jessnashostofuva"

or

Jess' national short story & fuck you valentines month!! Huzza!!

A short story a day. A fictional short story a day for thirty days. Starting tomorrow.

I took the day off yesterday. No kids. No work.

It's hard to be alone with myself. Sitting still. Relaxing.

I find myself cleaning, doing laundry. Driving around. Shopping.

Avoiding. Avoiding the swirling thoughts.

I am really alone. I am lonely. Who am i. Do i like the person i am. The person i've become.

I ended up tucking myself in the corner of a local brewpub. Drinking a blue martini. Eating a basket of sweet potato fries with chipotle aioli. Imaging what the people around me were thinking. Did they sit alone and wonder the same things i do. Are we all avoiding these same questions?

Are we all afraid to be alone?

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as crazy, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." Jack Kerouac

It has been beautiful this week. The sun shining strong. The moon glowing full in a clear sky at night. Frost covering the ground day and night. The kids have had a good week. They have been happier again. A little more settled. They are with me for six days this week, which has been nice. We are getting settled into routines. Homework, baths, dinner, chores reading books. Things that have been happening all along, but more out of necessity than actual enjoyment.

We have begun some yard work. Seeing snowdrops peeking through. Planning our vegetable garden.

It seemed a good week to start weaning off my medication. I know that medication is vitally important for mental health in a lot of people. One of them has been me. I feel strong enough to try life without drugs. I want to try. I really dislike the idea of being on them. The damage they do to my body.

I'm not saying i'm giving up on them forever. But, originally, my psychiatrist wanted me to go on them to give me the strength to get control back in my life. I feel like i have done that. That it is time to make a go of this on my own.

So far i feel the same as i did when i first went on them. Woobly in my head, out of body. Tummy aches, headaches, fatigue. But each day feels a little better. I'm going down by a third every ten days.

This weekend i am only working a few shifts. I am looking, casually, at a few houses to buy. I'm not sure about that yet. Frightening to own a house as a single parent.

Life is strange. It really is. I have been censoring myself here like i never have. I have so many variables at play in my head. In my fingers.

People to be scared of. People to protect. People i care about deeply and don't want to hurt. People i want to hurt.

But, you know what? Life goes on. And i need to go on. I need to move on. I need to feel safe moving on.

I have dated on and off for the past few months. It is probably too soon. But, life is lonely. And i won't be young forever.

And whatever.

I'm not doing anything wrong.

I've never really worried about the whole dating thing. I'm not the most beautiful person in the world. I have four children. I'm recently separated. I am a great pick!

But. Without any judgement. There are plenty of people who are lonely.

Actually, that's a lie. I am so turned off by the prospect of dating as i really dislike most people. I more believe in accidental meetings of people who you were meant to meet. People who understand you. Accept you.

I have someone like that in my life. We have dated on and off for several months. I just don't want to hide it anymore. I don't want to feel judged. The third song is for me.

It ain't me babe.

Life is such a rollercoaster. In the big picture everything is just fine. I'm happy, the kids are happy.

But there is always this undertone. This doubt. That every little thing that goes wrong is because of the separation. Is because of me.

I had a wonderful weekend. Without the kids. That's guilty spot number 1. I slept in till noon. I wandered around downtown. I shopped in a used bookstore.

It was like a re-introduction to my youth.

I had a weekend without work. Without kids. And i enjoyed it. I know i didn't do anything wrong. This is just the way life is. This is my new life. In a way it's what i have craved for so long. A little time. A little freedom. But. But i felt so guilty. Knowing that work wasn't keeping me from them. That i was free. That they could. They should be with me.

They should be with me.

Dear Family (extended and otherwise)

The kids are fine. If they are not i will let you know.

Now please go away.

This is my place.

I have worked very hard on this for five years. I need this to be my place.

Thank you

jess

2008 has started a little wobbly. I tricked myself into thinking that things were going to be different for me now that i have started this new life.

And they are.

I am doing better. Just a little wobbly.

Christmas was incredibly difficult. The kids enjoyed being in vancouver, but it was all to obvious to them that things were different. Not bad. Just different. My kids don't react well to different.

The christmas eve and christmas day traditions were different. The food was different. The people were different. There was no dad there. They were unhappy with their gifts, or the lack there of. The three days went by way too fast and i dropped them off at their dads feeling overwhelmed and depressed by the burden of their unhappiness.

And then they were gone. They were gone with their dad for five days. That's the longest i've been without them. I filled up my time with work as much as i could, but there was still lots of time to sit. Sit and stew. Feel the knocking of sadness in my heart and dark thoughts in my head.

Finally, when i got them back, we had a lovely five days together. Getting lost in the joys and relaxation of a holiday week together. I was not at all ready to send them back to school this morning. Clinging to the peaceful moments of holiday.

This evening we took down our tree and re-arranged the furniture a bit. We are still working on making our little home perfect. I feel headachey and lacking in the mothering position. I have been laid off from one of my jobs for three months and my other job has little to no work for me for the next three months. I have gone from crazy too much work to none at all in the blink of an eye. Small town seasonal curse.

I'm not exactly sure what to do next. It is looming over me. Making it difficult to focus on the minutae of children.