I have been having increasing levels of anxiety. Low level anxiety is always there and full scale anxiety attacks on a regular basis.

Yesterday i had three anxiety attacks while i was driving. Three times i found myself pulling over on the highway feeling the world closing in on me. Close to passing out; heart pounding, rushing in my ears, terror. Sitting on the shoulder frantically spraying Rescue Remedy and trying to breathe. In and out. In and out. Too scared to put the car back in gear, get to school to pick up parker.

Almost twenty years ago i had a series of seizures. We never really understood why they happened, but for years i was terrified to drive out of fear of having another seizure. Earlier this year i had an out of the blue loss of consciousness, out of the blue save for the extreme stress i was under. Again the doctors were concerned that it was another seizure, but since i was alone we had no idea.

My life is full of stress right now. Beginnings and endings. Uncertainty. The return of anxiety and, quite possibly, drugs.

The weather has been really, really beautiful here on the westcoast. Warm, sunny days enhanced by the vibrant colours of leaves changing and the rich smells of bonfires and wet grass. I love it, just sitting and enjoying the wonder of this world.

I have been closing in on myself, a bad habit of mine. This turning inward often happens this time of year. I think it's the knowledge that the long, dark days of winter will soon be setting in. It's almost a defense mechanism, wrapping myself in a blanket, in an effort to keep my heart warm through the winter.

This is not healthy. A distance is created between me and those close to me.

Marian wrote this to me in a comment earlier this month:

Your unhappiness always surfaces shortly after you get something you want (I've been reading you for a long time!) because you realize that although you believed the change would make you happy, you discover that it hasn't.

I've been rolling this around in my brain for the past few weeks. It struck me like a wrecking ball. A simple yet profound observation about me. It really knocked my socks off.

What do i want?

I've been trying to answer that question. Answer it in an honest way, no matter how terrifying. What do i want. I want to not be unhappy. I want feel satisfied with my life. I want moments of bliss. I want to laugh really hard sometimes, i want to smile or giggle when i'm alone thinking about something.

How to make those things happen is the question. The real question.

Last night twenty elementary school teachers made me cry. It was their party and and i was reduced to tears.

I was working and the teachers were celebrating someones birthday. It started out bad, BAD, right from the moment they walked in and hated the way their tables were set up. It's a boring story really. They were not diners and expected fast service and appetizers and meals to come at the same time. And twenty separate checks. Right away!

I busted my ass for two hours getting them drinks, making tableside caesars and organizing bills. Then they stood up and started berating me for "no service for two hours!"

I'm not sure what it was, but i totally lost it. I didn't get angry. I just broke down. I had to leave and sit outside for half an hour. I think that i'm just exhausted. That all the hard work i am doing in all corners of my life feels so unrewarded. Or perhaps, acknowledged.

I have this personality that makes me want to please people, make them happy, help them out. I do it because i like it. I like it when people are happy because of some small thing i did. That's why i like my job, i love the act of fine dining. The escape, for a few hours, from reality. To pamper with great food, great wine and a great atmosphere. Seeing people truly enjoy the company of others. It feels good to do that, to provide that interlude from this crazy world.

I just spent half an hour looking through my photos from this past year. What a year.

I really don't have the words or energy to describe all the emotions that are filling me up right now, suffice it to say it's a full bucket.

This week i have been called many things:

self-indulgent
self-centered
generous
kind
rude
hateful
pretty
honey bunny (by a customer, felt like i should come out with guns blazing a la Tarantino)
quiet
sensitive
loud
crude
funny
magical

It seems odd that people have such varying thoughts about me. Ideas of who i am. And really? Who am i? I am a mother, a wife, a friend, an employee, a waitress, a thinker, a writer, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a twitterer, a facebook friend. Do i *feel* like those things? Not really. I feel like me, like jess. Same as i always have, since i was a child.

I am in my head. I am hopeful but doubting. I am words swirling but failing to come out. I am human. I have a heart that wants to destroy me. I am hurting and recovering. Over and over. I am lost and i am found.

To my youngest son, to my baby, i wish you the happiest and sweetest fifth birthday.

Parker is the light in my eyes. He is such a wonderful, gentle, sweet boy with the temper of a rabid hamster. He will be screaming and throwing things one minute and kissing me and telling me he loves me the next. I still wake up most mornings with his angelic face beside mine. The minute he opens his eyes he smiles and leans over and plants a squeeky kiss on my cheek.

There have been many mornings this year that i awoke and silently wept beside him. Admiring the innocence in his pudgy sleeping face. Praying for some wisdom in a difficult year. His morning rituals always helped me to get out of bed with a little sparkle in my heart.

Parker is full of exuberance for most things that life brings his way. Always eager to try something new or play the same old game as long as his big brother is by his side. They have a magical relationship where in the good moments they can play for hours on end wrapped up in a playmobil mega-epic. They also, as most brothers do, passionately fight. The physical fighting, i'm realizing, is truly a male thing. The girls settle for name calling and hurtful comments. I'm never sure which is worse. I do know at the end of every day my children love each other and want to be together as much as possible.

Parker is my youngest. As i celebrate his growing and expanding into the world; each new year, new success also makes me a little sad. Each milestone achieved means the last time i will see this developmental goal crossed. I am now a mother to four school aged children and as i sit here alone in the house, for the first time since i brought tristan home from the hospital, i can't help but wonder where the years have gone. I hope i will remember more of the small moments as sleep deprivation creeks it's way out of my brain.

I know one thing. Each of my children have been an incredible gift. I may not always be the best parent in the world. I may really suck at crafts. But, the love i have for them in my heart is ever-growing and tears me open every single day.

I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Happy birthday parker.

Sometimes i look around me at all the happy people and i hate them. I feel like a bad mother, a bad person. A failure. Like i've let everyone i care about down. I am a disappointment.

All of my kids are in school now. I have a two hour period of time every week day alone. Alone. It's been eleven years since i had that. There were times in the past year when i was alone. Somehow that was different.

It has been a very hard two weeks. I have been working a lot and on school days only see the big kids for about two hours a day. I miss them very much. This schedule is very difficult to keep up.

I need to. I need to because i am not ready to give up any of the things that gave me the independence to maintain a household on my own. I can't even give up that house. I am terrified to because i am still so unsure if all of this is going to work out.

As it turns out forgiveness is a very difficult thing. And hurt and pain never really go away. And what you need may not be available.

That other people may never forgive you. Sides are drawn in the sand. Hatred runs as deep as love.

Yo, i'm live on the internet. My podcast from my session at BlogHer is up at the BlogHer website.

And thank god because i am very hungover this morning from a staff party yesterday that included a limo, a boat that went 120mph and an afternoon by the pool all fueled by Red Bull and vodka.

I was thinking this morning about love and marriage/relationships. When i was young i was sure i would never find love. I didn't have an understanding of what love could be. I hadn't had any experience with unconditional love. My first real boyfriend i had for three years, then i met shane.

Life with shane has been anything, but easy. When we were first together our love was so intense that it was physically painful for me. When he was away from me i felt like half a person. Ours was an intense courtship.

Intense love wasn't easy. I was young and emotionally a baby. I had struggled with anxiety and depression for years already. Our early years were filled with doubt for me. I couldn't believe that he loved me just for me. I felt like i had to be better. A better lover, a better girlfriend, prettier, smarter, funnier.

As time went on we eased into a calmer, easy love. After university we both had good jobs. We had a great apartment. We had a good life. I was still unsure. I couldn't enjoy the moments as they came. I worried about our future. How i could keep him. I knew he was special.

Then the years flew by in a whirlwind of babies. Suddenly, i was lost in a life that i didn't really want. We were fiercely competitive with each other. Co-dependent. Unhealthy. Instead of working on the problem. Working on the love. I was terrified by it. Terrified of a future full of love that had gone bad. I created an escape plan that was cruel. I betrayed the man who had stood by me through everything. I don't know why i did the things i did. I was reeling in a fog of depression, suicidal thoughts, alcohol, insomnia and denial. I thought the better solution was to run away from everything. I tried to do that by killing myself. When that didn't work i lied that everything was okay and continued on a horrible and destructive path till i found myself out of the marriage.

And i spent a year thinking i could turn my back on that love. I could push it out of my heart. I couldn't.

People keep congratulating us like we are newlyweds. It's not like that. It is hard. We are working on healing. Finding new ways to be together and communicate that are healthy. Expressing our needs. Being independent. Being together. We are defying the odds. Backing out of the statistics.

Love is never black and white. It is a million shades of grey.

Fall is fair time here on the island. We had a nice day, depending on what you consider nice. For us it meant spending way too much money for an end result of grumpy kids and one missing pre-teen. Hopefully, she'll turn up soon.

It's been a bit of a rough week. Adjusting to working nights, early school mornings and a loss of any alone time has been stress-inducing.

Shane and i rarely see each other as he leaves before i get up and i am gone to work when he arrives home. It is stress-inducing. Adding that i am still in the midst of "busy" season and working long hours and extra shifts.

I am feeling like a stranger in my own town because of the changes in schools. It reminds me of when we first moved up here and i was so lonely. I am reminded again of the lack of friends i have, yet my inability, or desire, to do anything about it.

My heart is aching a bit.

Shane hates my work hours. He wouldn't ask, but i know he doesn't want me to work. I want to work. I like having money. I like buying the groceries and clothes for the kids with my own money. I like being able to think about buying an iphone without having to ask for permission. Not working was one of the top five contributing factors to my depression. Maybe not "working" so much as independence, freedom and getting out of the house.

I see the kids, except parker, for about an hour a day on my workdays and then on my days off i am so wiped out that all i can manage is to be their taxi service and food delivery system. I know it is just the first week of school and there is way too many things going on and we all will adjust - it's just, well, stressful.

The kids started at their new school yesterday. They did really well all things considered. It's still a small town, we knew tons of the kids and parents their already. The teachers were nice, the principal greeted us in the parking lot. It was all the things it should have been.

Yet it was very difficult. In many ways shane and i felt we had no choice but to leave our previous little school. The one i loved so much i became president. Everybody knew everything about us, they had chosen sides in the battle divorce, and one of us always lost out. Most often i lost out and in retrospect wasn't treated very kindly by some people.

But, i still loved that school. It will always be the best little school in the world to me.

There are positives with the new school. Nobody knows our story and we can tell them what we want. We can be private. We can create our life again. Toby will have access to all kinds of resources that he didn't have at a private school. We will be saving a large chunk of money every month. We can go to mexico in january with the money saved.

Parker doesn't start kindergarten until next week so we have been enjoying a reunion of our one on one time.

It's all good.