I had such a wonderful night. The photo is crap, but i had shane's point and shoot and i'm not a point and shoot girl. Band of Horses was great. I had tears in my eyes the whole way through. It was beautiful to hear the words live. They were actually better when we saw them a couple years ago in a small club, they seemed a little lost in the larger venue.

We went out for dinner first and shane took this picture of me to make fun of my "girl crush" on the singer.

Beck was amazing. So polished and energetic. And teeny. We escaped out a side door right as the show ended and Beck ran right in front of us onto his tour bus. He was about four foot nothing and one hundred pounds wet. But, an amazing artist. Totally worth the ringing in my ears today.

When i said yesterday that i couldn't promise shane a future, i didn't mean that i didn't want to make that promise. I have promised him that i will be his, always. What i meant was that i can't see a future that doesn't exist yet. We are working to that future. We still have two houses to combine into one, we still have lots of healing and talking to do, we still have to get new rings. But, i can look in his eyes and thank god that i have been forgiven.

People have asked me how the kids are doing. They are doing amazingly well. Amazingly well considering the complete upheaval their lives have taken this year. They have their mommy and daddy back under one roof. What is happening under that roof is stressful. There are painters, carpet layers, cleaners, landscapers; all making their house into a different house. All of their worldly belongings have been hauled off to a storage locker in the name of "staging" this house.

The realtor comes this afternoon to put the house on the market. If we are lucky it will sell fast. The house we bought didn't pass the building inspection and so we had to let it go. We were all so sad about that. We pictured ourselves in that house, had picked out bedrooms and planned where furniture would go. We saw a vision of a happy future there. It was just another harsh reality for them that, sometimes, no matter how hard you wish for it, the future is uncertain.

They just want some certainty. We all do.

Shane wants a promise that i will always be here, i will always walk hand in hand beside him. I want that too. But, one can't predict all the twists and turns life may take.

Tonight i am going to see my very favourite band in the world. Band of Horses have been the soundtrack that plays in my head for the past year. When i was struggling to regain mental clarity, to give up psychiatric medications, to not be sad all the time - Band of Horses was the music i played over and over in my head as i fought to place one foot in front of the other. Plus, if i was allowed to have a "list" the singer would take spots one through five.

The kids and i had a day full of adventure. It's my day off and i wanted to pack in some fun so that i could avoid the chaos that is getting a house ready to go on the market.

We started at my house where a family of quail ran through the yard.

Then we did our garden harvest for the next couple of days. Behold the bounty:

Then off to the library, well on our way, parker serenaded us the whole way:

The boys did a little light reading:

The girls picked up some new shoes while we were in town:

Then we headed down to the big city to search chinatown for some bento stuff for school lunches (no luck with that.)

Tristan bought a jaunty hat:

We looked at some trinkets:

Saw some beautiful architecture:

Had the whole world in our hands:

About this time parker melted down and we piled back in the car and drove around our old neighbourhoods and i showed them the houses where they were born. Parker passed out and we headed back up the highway home and promptly got stuck in traffic:

Then we got home, ate dinner which included potatoes and squash from our garden and went out for a few errands. Shane talks on the phone while driving. Bad shane.

When i was single working nights was perfect. Days with the kids, nights at work.

It's more complicated now. Trying to fit in time for everything is nearly impossible. And before you ask; no, i'm not quitting my job. Working is something i love to do. I love having money that i earn. I love getting out of the house. We love the dual incomes. Anyway, in our year apart shane and i both got used to a schedule that included a few days a week without the kids where we could recharge and feel like adults. It's really the only positive thing i can say about single parenting - shared custody. Obviously i usually missed them the moment they were gone and felt like half a person, but now that i don't have that time? I'm exhausted.

Shane and i don't even see each other four days a week. He leaves early in the morning and arrives home after i've left for work. I am usually home around midnight, long after he's gone to sleep. Sometimes i wake him up and we have quiet conversations in bed until i fall asleep exhausted.

It is a mixed bag. There is definitely that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" aspect to it all. But, it is also difficult as we are in such a fragile place in our relationship right now and really need to spend time together to reconnect and heal. When we have a great conversation then don't see each other for a few days there is a two steps back feeling.

Throwing into the mix the purchase of a new home, selling his and general life drama we are doing amazingly well.

School starts in a few short weeks and i am sad. This summer has gone by in a whirlwind of working, camping, lakeside fun and beginning fresh.

We have packed up most of our two households and made many runs to the dump, the recycling, the salvation army and a storage locker. On thursday night we closed on a new home, each of us contributing fifty percent of the down payment. Equal partners.

Tomorrow i will go and enroll the kids in new schools.

My life has this theme of constant change. I am tired of it. I am hopeful that this move will be our last for a very long time. That we will be happy as a family again.

Shane and i have had an amazing month together. It has been painful and hard, but open and honest. We know how the problems started, we know about mistakes that were made. Now we just have to learn how to keep on this positive track together. It's not all a bunch of roses. There have been minor setbacks and some angry words passed. All of these things happen because we care. We care about each other and we care about ourselves.

We are terrified of ever going through another year like this. There are moments of trepidation and fear. There are moments of anger and resentment. There are many moments of quiet contentment.

"Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance." Bruce Barton Thanks SueBob

I am in love. I am in love and i feel like the luckiest woman in the world. My husband forgave me for a mistake i made. The worst possible mistake one spouse can do to another.

Not only did he forgive me, but i forgave myself. Marriage is a choice. It's a partnership. It's love and longing and desire. For us, it's also living with my depression and mania. It's despair and grief, anger and betrayal. I wish i could say i will never fall into depression again, but given my history i probably will.

I will not let it spiral into ruin again. I will seek help when i need it. I have a whole army of people to help me now. I also have perspective inwardly in a way i never have in my life. Seeing it all fall apart and come back together again. Seeing, truly seeing, the love that i almost lost forever has blown my psyche wide open. I wasn't a victim of circumstances, i was a victim of the horrible voices in my head and heart. I know that little devil in my head now and i hate her.

The thing about depression and manic episodes is that when you are in the middle of them they are like a drug. Though you hate them you just can't picture yourself without them. You begin to identify as "that depressed girl." And now that i am not her, i don't like her. I will do everything i can to keep her away and if she knocks i am going to get help answering that door.

I never want to lose the love of my life again.

I had a dream last night that my teeth were falling out and i was worried about how long it would take for my grown up teeth to come in, how i would wait tables with a toothless grin.

I am continuing to work an awful lot. The restaurant is fully booked every night. It's exhausting, exhilarating, frustrating and fun. I had one table make a complaint the other night. It was disappointing because i knew it was going shitty from the moment they sat down and there was no effort on my part that could change that. It just kept getting worse and the women at the table really didn't like me.

The thing is i don't understand people making written complaints instead of just asking for what they need at the time. They'd rather jeopardize a persons employment. Sometimes, sure, it's just really bad service - perhaps then - but, really, aren't we all human? Deserve a second chance? It's the caretaker in me. I want to make everybody i take care of happy and have the best experience possible. When things start going south i am filled with anxiety. I just want to make it all better.

Being married again. Being married again has been wonderful. Wonderful, difficult, passionate, comforting. All the things you would expect. We made an offer on a new home the other day and are waiting to hear back. We are busy packing up two houses, getting one ready to put on the market, all while both working full time, taking care of the kids and trying to carve out time to reconnect and talk.

What might seem like a stressful set of circumstances has been lovely. A chance to work together as a team to build something new. A fresh start. A new home. A family.

I remember the first time i ever saw shane. I was walking through my college campus and i saw him standing on top of a picnic table reciting a poem in front of a small group of students. I don't think i stopped, but i remember having one of those feelings. A feeling that this person was going to be a part of my life. We started dating shortly after that.

That was seventeen years ago in september.

Coming back together after nearly a year has been, in some ways, like starting again. In other ways it feels like that block of time never happened. Like we were always meant to be together, all the crappy circumstances that caused that break, have brought us back together stronger.

In counseling the other day our therapist said we needed to see our future as walking together hand in hand. Supporting and being together as equals.

In the last five years of our marriage we fell into this trap of stereotypes. I think it can be very difficult not to when you have the stay-at-home mom/dad as provider scenario. I felt unvalued and small. When my long depression set in i got lonelier and angrier. I lost perspective on my life, my family, my marriage. Now that i have carved out an independent life for myself i feel stronger than i ever have. I am coming back into marriage as a whole person.

A person who is happy to walk alongside.

I am so tired.

I am so tired i can barely manage a complete thought.

My days have been filled with kids and family and swimming in the lake. Good things, good times, happy children. This summer is going so much better for them than last. It feels good. I am filled with joy at watching their lazy summer days, sometimes boring, but never dramatic.

I have been working. I have been working too much. Summer is the busy season. Summer is seven shifts a week. Late nights and early mornings with children.

Shane and i have been staying up late. Talking, reconnecting. Long and difficult conversations on a weary body and mind. I am feeling the toll today of a body and mind pushed too far. The end in sight is october. Push through.

These are all positive things, but they are leaving me hollow inside this morning.

Over the weekend my domain name expired. It made me realize how much i love this website. How much it means to me to have this space to share and record my life. The mundane and the exciting.

The thought that over a twenty four hour period anybody in the whole world could buy up drowninginkids.com had me in a panic. Luckily, it's not really a name many people, or anybody, wanted. So, it's mine for another three years. Phew.

This life in transition is going well. The hardest part is combining our lives again. Two homes to bring back together as one. Giving up my home will be hard. I love my little house and everything it means for me. The hard work i had to do to make it mine. The struggles and successes. The space of my own.

Combining our lives also means coming to terms with both of us having had other people involved in them. We have both had other relationships. Dealing with the range of emotions that brings is more than difficult. Nothing worth having is ever easy though.

It will be another long journey.