Gosh. It's been a whirlwind of a weekend. I have been, somewhat alone. But, for the first time i really haven't minded. I want to be alone.
What i realized is that, last year, people may not have been all that uncomfortable around me. I'm just, completely, socially inept. I don't like parties. I don't like staying up late hooting and hollering. I like to stay up late with the swirling in my head to keep me company.
It's been lovely, surprising and humbling to have complete strangers walk up and tell me how much they like my writing.
My panel went really well. I felt calm when i went in and calm throughout. It went by really fast and i really didn't feel like i had a chance to say much. But, it was (again) humbling and inspiring to hear words come out of my mouth that really, truly reflected my thoughts over this past year. I am here again and for awhile i didn't think i would make it. I have healed and survived and i am doing better. I never spoke those words out loud until today.
A real and true highlight for me, aside from speaking - which i am truly proud of, has been meeting and re-meeting some amazing women. Schmutzie, Angela, Alana and Rachel have been my go to people. The ones who i sit with in the morning and the evening, who i take taxis with and abandon when i'm overwhelmed. Like tonight, best laid plans to attend the cocktail party and go for dinner. I had to leave. A party in a department store? With all the lights on and people still shopping? Weird and too much for me.
I came back to my room and realized i miss being married. I am sad that i am about to fly home and be all alone again. I am tired of being alone, yet seek loneliness. I miss having someone i am completely comfortable with.
Posted by Jess at 08:46 PM Permalink
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It HAS been a whirlwind weekend. I was in your session today and thought that you handled yourself with grace and dignity-- you should be proud of yourself.
I am also one of those that looked you in the eye and told you that I appreciated what you do. And then I got to see you look surprised, stammer a thank you, and then trip as you got off of the elevator. Which kinda made me love you more.
Posted by Babybloomr | July 19, 2008 11:35 PM