greed

I had this ugly realization this morning. I am greedy.

It never really occurred to me. I always thought of myself as a giving and generous person. But, i have been greedy and i don't like this picture of me.

I think there is a certain need for greed. We need to take care of ourselves. As women and mothers we often put ourselves behind those that we love and take care of. Clothes and food, nurturing and love go to others first. At times it feels right to be this way. It feels like the natural order. Things are as they should be when everyone is taken care of, their needs satisfied.

I did that for so many years. Everybody first.

And then i changed all that. I put my needs first. I thought it was just for awhile, until i got back on my feet. But then, the months went by. Ten months actually. And i sat here this morning looking at the new outfit i bought to travel to san fransisco with me and the hair and thought i didn't deserve this. My kids deserve a holiday and time with me, yet here i am spending all my spare pennies on this trip. This trip that will probably cause me lots of anxiety and stress and, let's face it, the potential for additional income is so slim. Who wants to spend advertising dollars on a crazy single mom who doesn't really shop, believes in a less is more simple life, and lives on the cusp of poverty?

I'm not changing my mind about going. It's too late for that.

I'm not changing my mind about making my own needs important. I just feel the need to shift the scale back to balance, start taking care of the people i love and cherish a bit better.

Posted by Jess at 02:29 PM Permalink

Comments (3)

marian

Jess, I don't think it's a matter of deserving or not deserving. That would imply that someone "out there" is making decisions about who deserves what, which is something of a mental trap.

You just got caught up temporarily in a slightly unbalanced state of mind, as we all do, all the time. The important thing isn't to try to prevent it or to go to the opposite extreme, but to just regain your sound perspective and balance--as you are doing.

You seem to be a person, who in seeking balance, tends to go to extremes. Maybe your extremes are now becoming more moderate!

Posted by marian | July 12, 2008 04:09 AM

Lori

I think it can be very easy to get pulled into greed in ways that we least expect. Since giving is part of your personality I don't think you will ever lose that. I just found your blog and went back and read some of your older posts...it sounds like you have been through some tough times this past year. Having gone through divorce myself I understand all too well. You have been learning how to take care of yourself after always putting others first. That is a good thing...in taking care of yourself, you will have more to give to others in the long run. In time you will balance out...give yourself time.

As a single mom it is hard when you are pinching pennies and see need all around you. Honestly, I think this trip is good for you...you deserve a new outfit and you deserve time and a break just for you. Sometimes, we have to do these things to get filled up and in my mind that is not being greedy. At least not a selfish or negative greedy.

As a former single mom I speak from experience. It takes time to heal and find ourselves again. That will happen. Be good to yourself...enjoy this time with just yourself...enjoy the adventure...enjoy meeting people and learning. I am not telling you to be greedy...I'm just sayin that taking time for yourself and giving to yourself is not greedy.

Have a great time!

Posted by Lori | July 12, 2008 05:23 AM

Ashley

The guilt is tough. Yes. But you write well and you should hold onto that. And it sounds like you could use a little you time :)

Posted by Ashley | July 12, 2008 09:02 PM