call it a ritual

I've been listening to the new Wolf Parade album non-stop. I love them for so many reasons, not the least of which one of them is from right here in my town. Music is healing for me, helps me to explore and understand my moods and feelings and gives me something to relate to. Not unlike reading blogs.

We spent the afternoon lazily at the lake. The kids swimming and sunning. I was feeling calm and melancholy. I feel that way a lot.

A quiet resolve. Trying to be at peace with this loneliness.

It's not that different from my life was as a stay at home. That was lonely too. Days spent with children and rare adult interaction. The days are still the same. I think the loneliness comes from knowing that at night there will be no adult conversation. There will be kids and baths and bedtime stories, or there will be work. With work, at least, i get some adult conversation. But, it is really a one way street. People like to talk about themselves, i like to indulge them. It helps me to escape my life for awhile. Imagine their lives and how different they are from mine.

In ways it is good. I am really beginning to know myself. See all the little faults. I would say i am getting used to this, but that's not it. It's a resolve to loneliness.