Over the past month my perspective on myself and my place in the world has changed. Not a subtle change, drastic.

Almost three years ago a depression began to creep it's way into my life. It was a slow spiral downwards that caught speed as it narrowed and left me in crisis one year ago. This year i spent in survival mode. Getting through each day. I thought i was doing well. I was doing well, but i wasn't seeing the world. I wasn't seeing the path of destruction that i left discarded behind me.

This past month i stopped and turned around. I opened my field of vision. I let everything in, the good, the bad and the ugly. I let the anger i've been carrying drop to the sides a little.

I have been blaming everyone for all my problems when, truth be told, i brought them all on myself. I looked at my husband and told him how truly sorry i am. I saw him clearly for the first time in almost a year as the man i married, the man i loved. I saw the hurt that has been tearing him apart. I saw his perfect heart, the heart i lost and i wanted it back.

I asked for it back and he gave it to me.

Being single, a single parent, has been the toughest job i have ever had.

Being single in a married world is lonely and isolating. For instance, camping, where i am with couples and their kids. I watch them have small, intimate moments at the campfire. Little nods and smiles, caresses and giggles exchanged. Even the little arguments. I miss those. The small hills and valleys that define a relationship, make it strong. Make it love.

Being single means sleeping in a tent with your children is the closest you get to intimacy. Being single means stuffing that fricking tent in it's case with only your 80 pound daughter to help you. Being single means packing odd numbers of plates and cups. Being single means driving alone up front. Being single means hours and hours of driving with nobody to complain to about all the "are we there yets?!"

Being a single parent means weekends alone in your house. Being a single parent means more freedom than you want. Being a single parent means desperate longing for your children to return to you. Being a single parent means struggle. Struggle to pay bills. Struggle to drive to activities. Being a single parent means guilt. Guilt that your kids are unhappy. Guilt that you can't do everything. Guilt that every last nerve is worn thin.

Being a single parent also means pride. Pride that you really can do it.

I arrived home late, late sunday night after spending 14 hours to travel what should have taken 3. I barely slept because i was so excited to see my kids. I swept them away from their dad's house and into the van for a windy drive to our favourite camping place on earth.

Bags left unpacked on my bed and laptop rendered useless by a sandy beach in the middle of nowhere with open ocean all the way to a very foreign land.

We spent time with friends and food and campfires and lot's of sand in our ears and sleeping bags.

It was the perfect anti-conference. I had plenty of time to process the over-stimulation that i suffered in california. BlogHer is such a great experience. Just watching all the women creating friendships and bonds over every imaginable thing. I felt such happiness watching them, never really feeling like a sideliner, just a quiet observer.

It may take confidence to walk around a place like that alone; but, for me, it was calming to quietly wander and soak in bits of conversation and sit beside friends and smile knowingly at each other when we saw or felt a special moment.

I had some really great chats with amazing women in the oddest places - between toilet stalls, in shuttles, in the middle of noisy nightclubs and elevators.

I left BlogHer without a single complaint. I had vague explanations of some dramas taking place, but really? I would be surprised if there wasn't any drama when you have a crowd of women together who pour themselves out to the world via blogs and have high expectations for a great experience.

I am just so happy to be home with my kids and spending time eating our salads from the garden, sleeping in and having silly tickle fights.

Gosh. It's been a whirlwind of a weekend. I have been, somewhat alone. But, for the first time i really haven't minded. I want to be alone.

What i realized is that, last year, people may not have been all that uncomfortable around me. I'm just, completely, socially inept. I don't like parties. I don't like staying up late hooting and hollering. I like to stay up late with the swirling in my head to keep me company.

It's been lovely, surprising and humbling to have complete strangers walk up and tell me how much they like my writing.

My panel went really well. I felt calm when i went in and calm throughout. It went by really fast and i really didn't feel like i had a chance to say much. But, it was (again) humbling and inspiring to hear words come out of my mouth that really, truly reflected my thoughts over this past year. I am here again and for awhile i didn't think i would make it. I have healed and survived and i am doing better. I never spoke those words out loud until today.

A real and true highlight for me, aside from speaking - which i am truly proud of, has been meeting and re-meeting some amazing women. Schmutzie, Angela, Alana and Rachel have been my go to people. The ones who i sit with in the morning and the evening, who i take taxis with and abandon when i'm overwhelmed. Like tonight, best laid plans to attend the cocktail party and go for dinner. I had to leave. A party in a department store? With all the lights on and people still shopping? Weird and too much for me.

I came back to my room and realized i miss being married. I am sad that i am about to fly home and be all alone again. I am tired of being alone, yet seek loneliness. I miss having someone i am completely comfortable with.

My flight here was uneventful. Uneventful and tiring.

I rode in a limo to the hotel which made me feel like an even bigger country girl because i was so excited about it.

My arrival saw me in tears at the registration desk as my credit card was denied and they wanted double the amount of cash as my total bill. I was ready to walk away when gwendomama, who is the sweetest woman in the world, swooped in and saved my day with a simple swipe of her credit card.

I have a room of my own that, despite the expense, seemed mandatory for my mental health.

Rachel and i crashed the AllTop/Kirtsy party at Guy Kawasaki's house. It was an amazing house and really a lovely party. Although i'm not listed on AllTop i can say that i licked Mr Kawasaki's pasta fork.

I'm not sure if i'm feeling a little more confidant this year, or what? But, i am having a better time, talking to more people and really not feeling the pressure or stress.

I'm up!

Not really. I am bone weary tired after eight days of work. But, i got cash in my pocket and a plane ticket in my purse.

I am off like a dirty shirt. A dirty shirt that is grump and ragged and has no grand clothing plans.

Whatever.

I'm on my way. Again.

Healthy in mind and body.

I'm wishing me luck.

My kids have been away for seven nights. In one more night they will return to me. I have enjoyed the break, but i've felt this part of me missing the whole time. The energy from my kids lifts me, inspires me. This week, if anything, has taught me how much they have enriched my life. Made it better.

Last night i worked a wedding. It was sad and beautiful and romantic. It made me sad because i saw this couple in their thirties combining their two families into one. Kids and all. They seemed so happy. So content and in love. I wish that i had been more careful with love. Realized what a great gift it is to have someone love you.

Love is a gift and you can only take advantage of it for so long before it is gone. And when love is gone, it is usually gone forever.

Through the night my good friend's grandmother passed away in her sleep. Of all the ways to go it seems the easiest, but who am i to say. I kind of want to know it's coming. Anyway, it's been a strange 24 hours. Last night my friend and i were dancing behind the bar in the restaurant, laughing and being silly. Then at the end of the night we sat and listened to a story of a failed attempt to propose. Then home, exhausted at 3am, thinking of marriage and divorce and love and lost love. And, this morning, back to work to hear of my friend's loss. It all seems so fragile. These tiny moments of life.

These tiny treasures that we are given.

I had this ugly realization this morning. I am greedy.

It never really occurred to me. I always thought of myself as a giving and generous person. But, i have been greedy and i don't like this picture of me.

I think there is a certain need for greed. We need to take care of ourselves. As women and mothers we often put ourselves behind those that we love and take care of. Clothes and food, nurturing and love go to others first. At times it feels right to be this way. It feels like the natural order. Things are as they should be when everyone is taken care of, their needs satisfied.

I did that for so many years. Everybody first.

And then i changed all that. I put my needs first. I thought it was just for awhile, until i got back on my feet. But then, the months went by. Ten months actually. And i sat here this morning looking at the new outfit i bought to travel to san fransisco with me and the hair and thought i didn't deserve this. My kids deserve a holiday and time with me, yet here i am spending all my spare pennies on this trip. This trip that will probably cause me lots of anxiety and stress and, let's face it, the potential for additional income is so slim. Who wants to spend advertising dollars on a crazy single mom who doesn't really shop, believes in a less is more simple life, and lives on the cusp of poverty?

I'm not changing my mind about going. It's too late for that.

I'm not changing my mind about making my own needs important. I just feel the need to shift the scale back to balance, start taking care of the people i love and cherish a bit better.

Things are going just fine without the kids. I've gotten in this zen of knowing they are okay and enjoying the break from babysitters and early mornings after late nights at work.

I spent several hours on the beach yesterday and came up with a beautiful and sad story that i think is the beginnings of my new novel. I don't think i'll save it for NaNoWriMo. I think i will start plugging away. It's exciting. Getting to be a speaker at BlogHer has invigorated me.

In previous years the days and weeks leading up to the conference had me worried about clothes and white teeth. This year i'll have none of that. P-shaw trivial worries. I'm just excited to get there. Embrace the chaos of the conference.

I feel on an upswing for no particular reason. Just happy to be alive and coming through, coming full circle.

My life is so far from perfect, but it is my little life.

I wish i had written more this year because i hardly remember a thing. This year, first year, post loss of marriage and the life i expected has been so very difficult. I can hardly give justice to the emotions that i have gone through. The complete heartbreak, guilt, shame, pride, exhaustion. Everything coming full circle on a daily basis. It has been so tiring. Just this bone weary tired. I never thought i could fight my way through a year like this, but i have.

And here i am, full circle. Off to the conference, healthy in mind and body - well healthier - and feeling ready to take it all in. This year i am not broken. I am healing. I am alone, yet loved in so many ways that were unimaginable to me in the past. I am just so grateful and thankful. Tonight i am happy.

After eating my quota of stoned wheat thins and cream cheese with pomegranate jelly i feel a little rejuvenated after this long day of work, long week of work.

I am feeling silly, rambunctious, missing tonight.

I kissed my kids goodbye this afternoon as they head off on an adventure. An adventure that involves first flights on airplanes, family reunions that don't involve me and the longest time we have ever been apart. They are gone until a week tuesday. I am feeling the shock of losing these pieces of me. These little ties that have been bound to me for the past eleven years. I made frantic calls tonight about epipens and distances to hospitals; torn by the loss of control.

I have scheduled myself with lots of work while they are gone. Work and getting organized for BlogHer.

Did i tell you that i can't brush my teeth without feeling like i have to pee? What about those libraries? They make me feel a deep need too.

I am nervous about the conference. Won't you be nice to me? Come and see me speak.

I've been listening to the new Wolf Parade album non-stop. I love them for so many reasons, not the least of which one of them is from right here in my town. Music is healing for me, helps me to explore and understand my moods and feelings and gives me something to relate to. Not unlike reading blogs.

We spent the afternoon lazily at the lake. The kids swimming and sunning. I was feeling calm and melancholy. I feel that way a lot.

A quiet resolve. Trying to be at peace with this loneliness.

It's not that different from my life was as a stay at home. That was lonely too. Days spent with children and rare adult interaction. The days are still the same. I think the loneliness comes from knowing that at night there will be no adult conversation. There will be kids and baths and bedtime stories, or there will be work. With work, at least, i get some adult conversation. But, it is really a one way street. People like to talk about themselves, i like to indulge them. It helps me to escape my life for awhile. Imagine their lives and how different they are from mine.

In ways it is good. I am really beginning to know myself. See all the little faults. I would say i am getting used to this, but that's not it. It's a resolve to loneliness.

I found a babysitter! I found a babysitter!

Holy crap it's been a long search. I can't tell you what a relief it is to finally have someone who is available to watch the kids in the evening, is responsible, can drive and the very best part? She did the dishes!

Seriously, srsly, i went to work feeling like i could just do my job and not fret that the kids were unhappy.

She is close to my age, a PHd student, lives three blocks away, comes from a divorced family with three siblings and drives a car big enough to fit all my kids. I feel like, for the first time, the stars have aligned and things are going my way.

It seems like such a small thing, but the childcare issue has been such a problem for me.

Happy Canada day indeed.