two steps back

I'm coming up to one year since my suicide attempt last summer. I have come far in many ways, but i still have so far to go.

I had a small crisis last night. It's been an emotionally draining month. I let my mental health slide a little. It sort of creeps up on you - anxiety, depression, even sadness. You don't recognize the warning signs. Life just slowly gets a little grayer, a little harder.

I forgot more often than not to take my vitamins, i started driving to work instead of walking, staying up late with wine, fatigue, loss of concentration. All just a little at a time.

Last night i realized that dark thoughts were swirling in my head. It frightened me. I found help and i was grateful for it, but ashamed.

Ashamed that i can't be better. All better. It's what i want. I know it will never be that way. That i will always carry this with me. That i need to be constantly vigilant about my health. I need to always monitor my lifestyle. It's hard now that i am alone. There is no one to watch over me. No one to let me know when my steps are going backwards.

I am glad i had that crisis last night though. It made me realize that things were slipping. That i need to simplify my life. Try and reduce stress, as much as stress is controllable. I need to be healthy. More importantly, i want to be healthy.