my heart

I have learned so many things about my heart this year. How strong it is.

My heart can feel like it is breaking, literally falling out of my body. Tight and hot inside my chest. Pounding so hard and fast that I literally feel it jumping out of me, wondering when it will actually just split me wide open and fall out on the floor.

Sometimes it will be the small things. Speaking with one of the teenage kids at work about their experiences coming from a broken home. Trying to answer my kids questions. All the “whys” that come from their tiny mouths. Wondering if they can see my heart as I hold in the tears and force a smile.

Sometimes it’s the big things. Harsh and hurtful words coming in emails. Going to see lawyers and financial planners. Anxiety attacks in homes that have become unfamiliar to me, homes which were once mine, but are unfamiliar now. Employment which is unreliable. Babysitters that have better lives and jobs making more change and unfamiliarity in my home.

Other times my heart is strong.

Sometimes it’s friends. Flowers dropped off. Vegetable garden thriving, eating the first salad grown in my home.

Sometimes it’s the children. Pudgy, still pre-schooler hands rubbing my back in the morning. Daughters singing away, out of tune, listening to their new ipod. Sons yelling out “I love you” from their beds when they should be sleeping. Finally purchasing a kitchen table where we can all sit together and be a family.

I have learned that my heart is fluid. Moving from one end of the spectrum to the other. Always beating away, reminding me that I am alive. I am alive. I have love.