half

I have this feeling gnawing away at me from inside. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but i know it's there. It's always there.

Something like waiting. Or perhaps it's longing.

I just want a normal life. Or, at least, to get used to the one i have. Stop hanging around, pedaling backwards, not moving forwards.

I suppose i am well. I am healthy. Mentally and physically. My heart is brittle right now. Not as resilient as it once was. Closing the door on my old life has left me feeling this myriad of emotions. Crushing despair to relief. All things in between.

I watch the flowers blooming outside. The butterflies dipping and diving in the lilac trees. The children laughing on the field. All of it should be filling me with joy. But instead, i have this thing, this feeling. This feeling that i have lost half of myself.

Posted by Jess at 03:56 PM Permalink

Comments (3)

blossom23

Jess, sometimes when I feel like this...I find myself in the Children's Book section rereading my copy of Shel Silverstein's "The Missing Piece".
I am so glad you are finding joy in the spring unfolding into summer....even if all of you isn't participating in the joy.
wishing you peace.

blossom

Posted by blossom23 | June 1, 2008 05:33 PM

blossom23

blossom

Posted by blossom23 | June 1, 2008 05:33 PM

You did lose half yourself. When you marry, two become one. When spouses separate, that other half of yourself is gone. I'm sad to read that you don't think you can go back to that love. I read your whole blog, and it sounds like you were really in love with that man. Love is a decision, each and every day, to be committed to someone else. To make their life easier, better, happier. When both people do this, a life is made. Love is not just a "feeling" of attraction. Is there really no resolution? I am sad for you!

Posted by DQ | June 2, 2008 06:25 AM