I'm coming up to one year since my suicide attempt last summer. I have come far in many ways, but i still have so far to go.

I had a small crisis last night. It's been an emotionally draining month. I let my mental health slide a little. It sort of creeps up on you - anxiety, depression, even sadness. You don't recognize the warning signs. Life just slowly gets a little grayer, a little harder.

I forgot more often than not to take my vitamins, i started driving to work instead of walking, staying up late with wine, fatigue, loss of concentration. All just a little at a time.

Last night i realized that dark thoughts were swirling in my head. It frightened me. I found help and i was grateful for it, but ashamed.

Ashamed that i can't be better. All better. It's what i want. I know it will never be that way. That i will always carry this with me. That i need to be constantly vigilant about my health. I need to always monitor my lifestyle. It's hard now that i am alone. There is no one to watch over me. No one to let me know when my steps are going backwards.

I am glad i had that crisis last night though. It made me realize that things were slipping. That i need to simplify my life. Try and reduce stress, as much as stress is controllable. I need to be healthy. More importantly, i want to be healthy.

One of the hardest, most stressful parts of my days is finding babysitters. Capable babysitters. I had a couple of really great ones, but they are in their 20's now and have better, more exciting ways to earn money. Like working at burger king.

My kids are not the easiest to look after. Toby and parker tend, rather often, towards the highly rambunctious passionate play. Play that often ends in tears, hitting and screaming. Eliza has this nut allergy that requires me to train new sitters how to identify an allergic reaction and administer epinephrine. Tristan is pretty much perfect, except for her propensity to stay up till midnight reading.

So, last night i finally found a sitter to try. A lovely girl. I was hopeful. I was relieved. I was skeptical.

Most days it takes everything i have to make it through the day without bursting into tears of frustration and getting the various chores of cooking, cleaning and laundry done.

Things were going well. I checked in at 9:30 and all was quiet and kids tucked in. At 10pm i had a table walk in, meaning i would be working for another two hours. At 10:23 the sitter called and flu fest had suddenly, without warning, struck my home. Eliza had thrown-up all over herself and her bed. Toby was moaning with a tummy ache. I was panicked. I really wanted to be there and make sure everything was okay. I remember as a child being sick around other people. It wasn't a nurturing feeling.

I had to plow through. Have faith they would be okay.

I ran into the house at midnight. And all was okay. They were sick, yes. But they were all snuggled on the couch together waiting for me to come and sort through the smelly sheets and tuck them back in. I kind of felt like a hero, a good mommy, for a few moments.

And now? Maybe i have a babysitter. (fingers crossed)

Camping was great as camping is want to be. The kids and i had a great time just being away from the rush of the school/work schedule.

I love the campsite we went to. It's perfect for kids - lots of freedom to spend days riding bikes, combing the beach for shells and lounging around the campfire. I spent hours at the beach watching the kids and the mountains and the ocean. Thinking. Thinking.

I am searching for answers i just can't find. I keep searching my soul, my heart asking, begging, for answers. It's so hard.

I had to switch my focus back to the kids. Answers don't magically arrive. I need to keep myself in the present. I can't change the past and i can't see into the future. I can, however, live right now. Right here in these magical days of childhood bliss.

I need to be more present for the kids. When i get lost in my own problems, my own space, i'm not there for them and i am certainly not parenting well. I find myself being less patient, quicker to snap. I don't like it when i behave like that, though at times they quite simply are being little rotters. Mostly though they are kids who've had a tough year too and they just want to be with me and spend some quality time.

Camping did that for us.

After i finish work tonight i am headed to meet the kids at our favourite campsite. Summer has officially arrived.

The end of the school year was bittersweet. I resigned as president of the kids school because of some crazy politics. It's hard to give up something that you love and have poured so much energy into.

I really love that school. I'll just have to learn to love it in a different way. As a parent. As a wonderful place for my kids.

I can hardly wait to get away tonight and just be with the kids for a few days without work and life stress.

The beautiful sunset is calling my name.

Two days ago Toby turned nine years old. Thus bringing to a close the month of birthdays.

Toby is my sensitive, tender-hearted boy. He often gets hurt in that way where your heart gets big in your chest and you have to fight hard not to break into tears. I remember feeling that way a lot as a child. It is always painful to watch him when he feels that way. Often it is over a small thing that would be insignificant to other children, but Toby feels it deep in his soul.

He is also a wonderful friend. Both for me and the kids. He is chatty and inquisitive and observant. He knows where everything is at my house, his dads house and even his classroom. His teacher commented to me recently that she wouldn't be able to run her class so well if it wasn't for the help of my little guy.

His friends at school adore him. I watch them interact and it makes me feel all gooey inside to see him leading a group of boys in one fort building project or another.

Reading and writing are still a struggle for Toby. The hardest part is not letting him get discouraged. He so badly wants to be like all the other kids and feels ashamed when he can't keep up. He doesn't understand that his Apraxia makes it difficult for him, not any incompetence on his part. He's a really clever boy and compensates for his learning disability in creative ways.

He often sneaks in bed with me and i know he's there as he digs his feet into my back. He always wakes up with a smile. The mornings are the only time i can get a hug out of him now.

I love him and am so proud of him. I hope life gets a little easier for him this year.

I have learned so many things about my heart this year. How strong it is.

My heart can feel like it is breaking, literally falling out of my body. Tight and hot inside my chest. Pounding so hard and fast that I literally feel it jumping out of me, wondering when it will actually just split me wide open and fall out on the floor.

Sometimes it will be the small things. Speaking with one of the teenage kids at work about their experiences coming from a broken home. Trying to answer my kids questions. All the “whys” that come from their tiny mouths. Wondering if they can see my heart as I hold in the tears and force a smile.

Sometimes it’s the big things. Harsh and hurtful words coming in emails. Going to see lawyers and financial planners. Anxiety attacks in homes that have become unfamiliar to me, homes which were once mine, but are unfamiliar now. Employment which is unreliable. Babysitters that have better lives and jobs making more change and unfamiliarity in my home.

Other times my heart is strong.

Sometimes it’s friends. Flowers dropped off. Vegetable garden thriving, eating the first salad grown in my home.

Sometimes it’s the children. Pudgy, still pre-schooler hands rubbing my back in the morning. Daughters singing away, out of tune, listening to their new ipod. Sons yelling out “I love you” from their beds when they should be sleeping. Finally purchasing a kitchen table where we can all sit together and be a family.

I have learned that my heart is fluid. Moving from one end of the spectrum to the other. Always beating away, reminding me that I am alive. I am alive. I have love.

Tomorrow tristan turns 11 years old. Time has this annoying habit of flying by. My oldest daughter is a pride and joy.

I have spoken many times about how much i adored my time with her when she was a newborn. Truth be told i have enjoyed every single moment of her life. She has always been a pleasure to be around.

This year she has really grown and matured this year. Her sense of humour has continued to be this aura around her that draws people to her. She is always smiling and laughing when i see her with her friends. On two occasions this year she has gotten up in front of a large audience and performed magic tricks to the delight of everyone around her.

She has also become much more caring towards her siblings. Helping them when they need it and giving them a quiet hug or pat when they are feeling sad. She has even babysat for short periods of time.

This spring she has gone to sleep-away camp twice. Her first time doing anything like that. She leaped in with both feet and had a wonderful time. Joining the 4H sewing club has brought out her inner geekiness and she spends hours in her room sewing.

She has handled the separation of her father and i very well. In many ways it has been hardest on her as she has the maturity and intuition to really understand what is going on. She also had a stay-at-home mom for the longest and has helped in numerous way while we all adjust to our new lifestyle. She even makes my coffee in the morning when she knows i had an extra late night at work.

A couple weeks ago she had her first sex education class at school. I couldn't believe how mature she was about the whole thing, but then so happily childlike when i reassured her that puberty was probably still several years away for her. We are both not ready for that.

Oldest children, like middles and youngests, hold a very special place in the family. I need to remember not to expect too much of her as she forges all the new milestones for her siblings. I just adore her. I am so happy she is my daughter. She fills me with pride every single day.

I have been feeling fortunate. Fortunate for the good friends i have. I have said before that i don't have many. Friendship is difficult for me. But, more and more i have been trying to work a little harder on that part of my life.

My good friend Kelly nominated me for a Perfect Post.

Which is awesome. It's always nice, really nice, to feel a little bit of love.

Yesterday morning had a minor medical emergency which left me feeling very alone for a few moments until i called my friend. She rushed over, picked up my kids for school, took a moment to feel my forehead and give me a gentle smile. It was wonderful. Asking for help is always difficult. I find myself needing to do it more and more often. It makes me feel so warm and gooey inside.

And last week another friend did all my baking responsibilities for the school that i just didn't have the time to follow through on. Not only did she do that with three kids of her own, she also baked a couple dozen for my kids to have.

Another friend in vancouver has been there to listen to me on the phone. To send me lovely emails. She has known me a long time and we have had babies at the same time. Our lives have taken us in different directions, we have lost contact at times, but when we come back together it is always a wonderful feeling.

I am going through a very difficult time right now. These people understand. They understand without judgment, just support. I hold them all very close to my heart and i think of them when i need to feel a little better.

I have this feeling gnawing away at me from inside. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but i know it's there. It's always there.

Something like waiting. Or perhaps it's longing.

I just want a normal life. Or, at least, to get used to the one i have. Stop hanging around, pedaling backwards, not moving forwards.

I suppose i am well. I am healthy. Mentally and physically. My heart is brittle right now. Not as resilient as it once was. Closing the door on my old life has left me feeling this myriad of emotions. Crushing despair to relief. All things in between.

I watch the flowers blooming outside. The butterflies dipping and diving in the lilac trees. The children laughing on the field. All of it should be filling me with joy. But instead, i have this thing, this feeling. This feeling that i have lost half of myself.