This is a picture i took of eliza on her fourth birthday. This is what i wrote about her that day.

Today my youngest daughter is seven years old. She has changed so much in the years since i took that picture, yet held on to a lot of her little quirks. She is really a little mini-me. Feisty at home, shy with others, only a few friends - but real good friends.

She drives me crazy at times bouncing back and forth between defiant and needy. She cries before school most mornings because she doesn't want to go but, when i go worriedly check on her a couple hours later i see her running and laughing with her friend.

She is an excellent student. A real love of learning, just like her big sister. She is an emergent reader and excellent at math, yet unlike her siblings not all that keen on art.

She has outgrown most of her health issues, but still has a life-threatening allergy to peanuts and tree nuts. She worries more about this now and still won't go for playdates at other people's houses because of it. She is taking more responsibility for carrying her epipen and watching what people are eating around her.

The separation has been hardest on eliza. She is such a passionate creature and really misses her dad or me when she is not at our houses. I'm sure this is part of her worry about school each morning. She stays home way more days than she should because i am trying to protect her fragile little heart.

I love her with all my heart.

Yesterday we celebrated Eliza's seventh bithday. As a family. We had all her favourite foods and gave her a new 'very big girl' bike with gears and hand brakes. It was a very nice evening.

And then shane went home. Our two homes. That's what is happening.

Holy cow!

I guess i am speaking at BlogHer. I am excited and nervous and, well, humbled and thrilled.

I'll be speaking on Day Two in the breakout session "Who We Are: "Coming Out" via Blog."

I'm psyched.

I hope i see you there!

A few weeks ago i went for a fabulous meal at a local french restaurant. In between your appy and your main they serve an intermezzo. An intermission for your palate between two courses. Two wonderful plates of food.

I am taking an intermezzo.

The things i am going through and talking through are far too intimate to share here. I will be back soon. I will probably post some photos.

Thank-you for all your kind words and support.

These have been difficult times.

I am struggling with how much to share here and how to do that in a way that respects the process i am going through. Shane and i have been talking a lot about the mistakes we have both made, the things we would like to change and how a marriage would look if we made it what we wanted.

We are not rushing into anything. We are still separate. Living in our own homes. Splitting custody. Even continuing with some of the dividing of assets. We are not being foolish. We are being honest. Honest with the children. Trying our best to protect them from expectations. I think it is healthy for them to see that we are working on things. Not rushing.

Rushing is something that we have done too many times in our lives. Rushing into marriage and family. Rushing out of marriage.

This time we have nothing left to lose. And everything. The last thing we need is to go through all this again. Our hearts are already weak.

So, how about the weather?

Being in the thick of this thing i can't really share what's going on because i am processing so many feelings. I can tell you that it has been a week. It's exhausting this talking, especially for me as i am not a big talker. This is a difficult and enlightening journey and if at the end of it things don't work out i will know in my heart that the decisions were made out of love and honesty, not hatred and deceit. I am hopeful that my marriage will start again. Fresh and full of love. But, if it doesn't, this is a much better way for it to end.

But, today is mother's day. I woke up to smiling faces, a glass of juice and a cup of coffee. Breakfast was made and gifts were given. It was lovely and wonderful and all the things the day should be.

Happy Mother's Day.

I have begun a journey that is honest. Exciting and scary. Sad and difficult.

We are trying to negotiate a new life. Together. A family.

It will take time.

How did i end up here?

I think that's a question many of us ask ourselves. I asked myself that each time i looked down on the amazing thing that is a newborn baby. I asked myself that each time i moved cities. Each time we bought a new house. When i sat in a room full of other women in san jose, in chicago. I ask myself that every weekend when i wake up to a cold and lonely house, wondering what my beautiful children are doing. How they could be somewhere else, without me.

And i long for them. I ache. My heart rolls around, becomes physically pained. I wander through their rooms. Looking at their things, touching their pillows. Wondering how they are doing. How is their heart. I hope it doesn't hurt like mine.

I long for the days when we were a family. When we would spend days without worry. The really good days, that just happened without planning.

The days before my depression tore my family apart. Before my manic outbursts created a ripple in our lives that would forever change us. Who we were. The days when they didn't have to worry about when they were going to see me again. The days before we were a broken home.

Sometimes i want to step back into that life. I have to restrain myself from calling, pleading to be forgiven. To take it all back. I forget now a lot of the ways it was to be married. I forget what it feels like to sleep in a bed with my husband and parker wedged in between us. I forget a lot of the things that made me angry, or sad or lonely.

I just feel this now.