ranting in red

and it is true
my hands are covered in blood
the blood is my own
i feel like i have been bleeding for months, for years
all the tears are really just the final pressure points erupting from my heart
and just the other night i sat in front of the fire, completely alone
alone in my home, alone in my world
complete exhaustion takes me frequently now, i fall asleep
the arms of my youngest son wrapped around me
snuggled together in our family bed
and when my children are not here
i fall asleep in my lovers' arms
not much of a mother
or a lover anymore
the toll of working and money and stress
marriage and divorce and reconciliations
children and separation anxiety and homework
and guilt
all taking their course
working their way through my sick and tired body
the skin cancer
the depression
the anxiety
i feel like calling the bluff
on this year that keeps on getting harder
and soon it will stretch into three years
there was depression 2006!
fuck you depression 2007
and now, 2008 you will not get me

and you will not
if only the sun would warm my body
if only i wasn't bone chilled and body fatigued
if only i could find answers
instead of never, ever, ending questions

and i mark on my calendar
all the days that i have been bleeding this year.