life begins

We had lovely weather this weekend. I spent a few hours in the sun between hours at the restaurant, watched the sunset as i served customers on the balcony. I had a sense of calm contemplation throughout. I began a new understanding.

An understanding of this new life.

I know i have repeated myself over and over these past months. Constantly shifting and moving my thoughts. Up and down. I know that going off my medication was risky. I know that medicine helps people. But, i needed a clear head. I need to feel the full brunt of emotion as i travel this difficult road from one life to another. I needed clarity in the turmoil.

As i sat by the fire last night i realized that i have been living my life as an onlooker. Watching myself go through the paces. Each day another step in the shadows. The shadow of guilt and despair hanging heavy for me. Wallowing. I understood that the past happened. I cannot change it. I need to forgive myself if i am going to live a life that is more than a blur.

I am a good person. I am surrounded by beauty and generosity and love. I have beautiful children whom i adore and adore me. I have a beautiful home in a wonderful community. My kids and i have the great fortune to be safe and healthy.

I have made mistakes. Mistakes that many people make. To forgive is, truly, divine.

I am ready to begin this new life. I am ready.

Posted by Jess at 12:11 PM Permalink

Comments (10)

mom2

I hope you will begin to be at peace with all of your choices and stop second guessing yourself. It is time for you to feel some happiness.
mom2

Posted by mom2 | April 14, 2008 12:36 PM

nmet

The first year after a divorce is beyond difficult. Hang in there, it will get better and so different and in a year when you are looking back at right now you won't be able to imagine how far away it all feels.

Posted by nmet | April 14, 2008 07:57 PM

denise

As always Jess,
You inspire me and I am always in your corner.

Posted by denise | April 14, 2008 09:23 PM

marian

Jess, I think you can expect to travel back and forth between the two extremes for a while--it's not necessary to try desperately to stay in the positive one. But it's good to document the positive one when it happens, as you are now doing. That'll help it to happen more often.

Posted by marian | April 15, 2008 06:28 AM

Susan

Great to see this post!!! It is actually normal for emotions to go up and down, sideways and out the door, too. I see it in my daughter, myself, my mother. Just take it one new moment at a time, make the most of it, cuz the next one's comin and the moment is over. Moment by moment, day by day. Focus right in front of you and make it the best! That's all any of us can do.

Posted by Susan | April 15, 2008 07:40 AM

ade

Great post Jess. Good for you!!!

xoxoxo

Posted by ade | April 15, 2008 03:48 PM

Mocha

Like Susan, I am living moment by moment. Sometimes it seems to much to bear. Making it easier is my mother and her constant encouragement her allowing me to live as authentically as currently possible. I'm reading more, worrying less, loving myself fully.

She's been reading this and wants me to read it next. She can't finish fast enough.

http://www.amazon.com/Hero-Within-Six-Archetypes-Live/dp/0062515551

Hope you look into it. I think you'd find it helpful. Would you like to have my copy when I'm done?

Posted by Mocha | April 17, 2008 06:50 PM

jess

Mocha,

I'll look at it for sure. It looks really great

Thanks!

Posted by jess | April 17, 2008 08:04 PM

Mocha

yay! I'm glad you're looking for it. I have so many great lines from it and they're all from mom just reading it TO me.

We'll have a Hero/Archetype Book Club when we're done, ok?