April 28, 2008

brown eyes i'll hold you near

This whole blogging thing has been difficult for me lately. Part of it is that i'm just not sure who i am here and how much i want to spill forth. I can't, for the sake of those i love, just let it all come rolling out. Though there are many days when i would like to.

There is also time. I feel time slipping through my hands. I'm working full time now, five nights a week. I spend my days with the kids and my nights working. There is little time for much else.

The biggest thing right now, today, is jealousy mixed with insecurity. Feeling like the social outcast.

It seems like everywhere i turn writers i love and admire, women i have met, people i felt equal to - they are experiencing all these amazing things in relation to their blogs. They are on Tv, in the newspaper, getting book deals, writing in anthologies, invited to various free trips and swag fairs, even getting cars to drive around and meet other bloggers.

I'm wondering where i went wrong. I can't even get the BlogHer people to return my emails. I feel like a schlump. Like my sixteen year old self wanting so badly to fit in somewhere - even with the misfits.

I know that a huge part of it is my anxiety around friendship. Meeting people. Talking to people. Even sending emails. I know that, at the end of the day, this little website is here as a place for me to record my life. It is here for me. All the wonderful people who read it and share my life with me are the bonus.

I need to be more thankful for that. Appreciative that i even have this space, this opportunity.

Posted by Jess at 06:39 PM Permalink

Comments (7)

marian

I had a brief, very brief desire to have a big-time blog back when Kirala was thriving, but I think for some people it's just not quite the right thing. I couldn't in good conscience mine the lives of my loved ones for witty posts. It felt wrong to me, because of who I am, and who they are. And I think it's that amazing humor that some bloggers have, that sells. Some of us have things to offer that are not necessarily witty or easily accessible, and I'm kind of glad about that. After all, we get to enjoy those who are.

Posted by marian | April 29, 2008 06:01 AM

Denise

Jess, email me I can help you reach whoever it is you're trying to reach at BlogHer.

Posted by Denise | April 29, 2008 07:10 AM

Miss S

I know what you mean - I'm just not discovering how many bloggers are getting recognition and writing gigs and all that fun stuff and I feel like no one knows me at all. It's exactly high school all over again -- and I feel just as insecure now as I did then. Hate these feelings. It's funny, some bloggers are complaining that they are being asked to do product reviews for cash money income ... I'd love to do that. I never thought my blog would be another venue in which to feel self conscious.

Posted by Miss S | April 29, 2008 07:35 AM

Grammacello

Yep, I get it and I am OLD!I stopped writing my blog for these kinds of reasons- it was ADDING stress and I decided that I didn't need it- all happy when I had a comment or two, all bummed when I didn't- checking to see whether I did and feeling like a fool, etc. I didn't need MORE stress in addition to the real life kind. So now I just read (and very occasionally comment)and it is a nice relaxing thing in my day- how I unwind after work-and I also discover all sorts of interesting stuff by following links and so on. I guess we are all different and that's ok.

Posted by Grammacello | April 29, 2008 09:11 AM

jess

Let you in on a secret...your blog is my favourite. Simply because you are honest, and open, and real. And that takes guts.

Not to mention the fact that you are one awesome lady. And yes, you absolutely are. Hurts to feel like you aren't being recognized. But, if it means anything, I'm really glad I can tune in.....thanks.

Posted by jess | April 29, 2008 11:16 AM

mike

Well, from a blogger who isn't going ANYWHERE anytime soon, and from a blogger who is about to give the gift of "free blog fodder", I hope you can find happiness in what you ~are~ doing, and not what you could be, if only you were one of those other people in your peer group (and they are your peers, not your superiors -- remember that).

Oh, about that free blog fodder. Ahem. You've been randomly tagged, if you can lower yourself to my level :)
http://www.themikestand.com/2008/04/memed-again.html

Posted by mike | April 29, 2008 12:04 PM

Mocha

It's a difficult thing to admit what you've written, but I feel the exact same way most days. It's like all these opportunities are out there and being handed out. But I will also admit that it's pure jealousy on my part.

How does one reconcile that?

I think that if we both do that meme (we were both tagged! it's kismet!) Mike can make us the most popular bloggers IN THE WORLD.

You reach out to me and I don't feel your anxiety. Just your friendship and your love for which I'd give all the blog crap in the world up for - because I heart you that much.

xoxo
Kelly

Posted by Mocha | May 2, 2008 02:58 PM