"People don't just break up."

That's what he said. He didn't understand how all this happened. How we got to this place of separate houses, children shuffled back and forth.

"how did this happen to us?"

And we sit and we talk. Sometimes the conversation is light and friendly. Just like it always was. Two friends. Two lives forever inter-mingled. Histories made together.

Often we end in tears. Tears of frustration and anger and sadness all mixed together. It is almost too painful for both of us.

The desire to figure out the problems. To try and fix them always opens the conversation back up. And we always walk away feeling worse. Problems highlighted. Regret, longing, desire becoming the new themes in this relationship. Words that we want to roll up in a ball and toss in the fire. Words that we can't manage to get past.

This whole blogging thing has been difficult for me lately. Part of it is that i'm just not sure who i am here and how much i want to spill forth. I can't, for the sake of those i love, just let it all come rolling out. Though there are many days when i would like to.

There is also time. I feel time slipping through my hands. I'm working full time now, five nights a week. I spend my days with the kids and my nights working. There is little time for much else.

The biggest thing right now, today, is jealousy mixed with insecurity. Feeling like the social outcast.

It seems like everywhere i turn writers i love and admire, women i have met, people i felt equal to - they are experiencing all these amazing things in relation to their blogs. They are on Tv, in the newspaper, getting book deals, writing in anthologies, invited to various free trips and swag fairs, even getting cars to drive around and meet other bloggers.

I'm wondering where i went wrong. I can't even get the BlogHer people to return my emails. I feel like a schlump. Like my sixteen year old self wanting so badly to fit in somewhere - even with the misfits.

I know that a huge part of it is my anxiety around friendship. Meeting people. Talking to people. Even sending emails. I know that, at the end of the day, this little website is here as a place for me to record my life. It is here for me. All the wonderful people who read it and share my life with me are the bonus.

I need to be more thankful for that. Appreciative that i even have this space, this opportunity.

This theme of running has been coursing it's way through my head the last few days.

Running from problems.
Running from hurt.
Running from reality.
Running from potential.

I think at moments, at times, we all run. It's human nature to want to avoid confrontation. The potential for hurt emotions, or worse, humiliation.

I have purposely slowed down this week. I have done my running. It has left me exhausted. But, i have landed now. A new home, a new life. Same things grounding me as they always have. Children, family, friends.

If i keep running i stand to lose these things. Perhaps not physically, but emotionally. Life, for all it's ups and downs, is always a learning experience and sometimes good things rise out of the ashes of the bad. I have found myself again. Through hours of introspection and searching. I am finally seeing the woman i am, the woman who got lost in the rush of life.

All the positive and negative images of my life coming together like an old album that i can flip through; laugh at the mistakes with a knowing nod and celebrate all the joy.

So, it's earth day. I find it ironic that we need a day. The kids and i were talking about it on the way home and as only kids can parker summed it up thusly;

"I love the earth! It will never break; because if it does we will have no earth. Right?"

"Yes. Yes!"

"Why do you love the earth parker?"

"Because it lets me dig it up and throw it back out!"

I am often at a loss when it comes to explanations for the kids. "Why can't we keep the hose running when it always rains here?"

"Why can't i use another ziplock bag for a water bomb?"

"Why does the compost smell so bad and why do i have to take it out?"

"Why do we have to wear hand-me-downs?"

"Why is it bad to shop at the dollar store?"

I try to teach them every single day about the earth and our responsibility to do our best by such a wondrous thing. I am proud when they catch me in an earthly faux pas.

"Yes! Yes you are right, i have to stop forgetting the shopping bags."

For me the kids are the biggest influence in trying to be earth-friendly at all times. Even though i am, at times, lazy and want to just throw it out in the trash rather than deal with the separating and washing of recyclables. Their ever-watching and curious eyes keep me in check. They keep my car full to the brim with recycling, my compost bin full, and my garbage can empty week after week.

There is so much more i could do, but i am proud of the strides we have taken.

Dude. It's been snowing for the past four days. I live on the west coast. Rain yes. Snow no.

It's a little hard on my fragile mental state to have been lulled into spring last week and this week trudging around in snow boots gingerly trying to wipe the snow off my freshly planted perennials.

But life goes along as it wants to. I am getting much more comfortable with that.

The new swear word of choice in my house is "doombah." As in " curry chicken for dinner!? mom is a doombah!"

The kids have been home sick for the past couple days. I always enjoy these days. Part of it is laziness. I like sleeping in and relaxing around the house. I like having them around. The chaos of the five of us sharing this small space. The glee on parker's face when he realizes that his best friends are staying home to play all day. Forts are built and destroyed, picnics are made and devoured outside, intricate cities are built in the creek running down the side of the house.

We began planting our vegetable garden and putting perennials and pansies in the flower beds. The promise of spring becoming a reality.

This sense of calm continuing to wash over me. Ground me. Working the soil through my hands, making this house a home.

My future is as uncertain as ever. Yet, somehow, these lazy days surrounded by all the things i love, make that uncertainty fine. Familiar even. Life was never certain. I have always held this naive ideal that things usually work themselves out. As long as i have faith. As long as i have love in my life. Things will be okay. Great sometimes.

We had lovely weather this weekend. I spent a few hours in the sun between hours at the restaurant, watched the sunset as i served customers on the balcony. I had a sense of calm contemplation throughout. I began a new understanding.

An understanding of this new life.

I know i have repeated myself over and over these past months. Constantly shifting and moving my thoughts. Up and down. I know that going off my medication was risky. I know that medicine helps people. But, i needed a clear head. I need to feel the full brunt of emotion as i travel this difficult road from one life to another. I needed clarity in the turmoil.

As i sat by the fire last night i realized that i have been living my life as an onlooker. Watching myself go through the paces. Each day another step in the shadows. The shadow of guilt and despair hanging heavy for me. Wallowing. I understood that the past happened. I cannot change it. I need to forgive myself if i am going to live a life that is more than a blur.

I am a good person. I am surrounded by beauty and generosity and love. I have beautiful children whom i adore and adore me. I have a beautiful home in a wonderful community. My kids and i have the great fortune to be safe and healthy.

I have made mistakes. Mistakes that many people make. To forgive is, truly, divine.

I am ready to begin this new life. I am ready.

and it is true
my hands are covered in blood
the blood is my own
i feel like i have been bleeding for months, for years
all the tears are really just the final pressure points erupting from my heart
and just the other night i sat in front of the fire, completely alone
alone in my home, alone in my world
complete exhaustion takes me frequently now, i fall asleep
the arms of my youngest son wrapped around me
snuggled together in our family bed
and when my children are not here
i fall asleep in my lovers' arms
not much of a mother
or a lover anymore
the toll of working and money and stress
marriage and divorce and reconciliations
children and separation anxiety and homework
and guilt
all taking their course
working their way through my sick and tired body
the skin cancer
the depression
the anxiety
i feel like calling the bluff
on this year that keeps on getting harder
and soon it will stretch into three years
there was depression 2006!
fuck you depression 2007
and now, 2008 you will not get me

and you will not
if only the sun would warm my body
if only i wasn't bone chilled and body fatigued
if only i could find answers
instead of never, ever, ending questions

and i mark on my calendar
all the days that i have been bleeding this year.

I was blown away when i got my photobucket pictures last week and saw this photo in it. All this time i had thought i was in the psych ward last january when it was actually the end of march.

I have wished many times over the pat year to go back to that bed. To change the course of events that followed. I would have stayed in the hospital longer instead of letting the guilt of being away from my children push me to leave too soon.

I would have told the psychiatrists the truth over the depths of despair i was feeling. I would have told them that thoughts of suicide were plaguing me. How i would spend hours planning, feeling the only answer to the pain in my heart and my head was a final escape.

I would have stayed there and worked on getting better. Maybe i could have avoided the mess my life would become in the following year.

I want to say sorry to that woman sitting there and the man with the hand behind her.

My daughter is not lame. She is growing in to something that frightens me a little. Pure and raw beauty.

Not a meme taker or maker i shall concede to gwendomama because i have loved her for a very long time now, plus she constantly reminds me of true loss and true love.

So, Things I Think Are Lame Today

Gossip - it's very hurtful people.
Cheese - i love you but you make me visit the toilet more often than the recommended dosage
post-breastfeeding boobs - where for art though my 20's
big yummy hamburgers = gas
divorce - you suck
being crazy in the head - it's just not something people can relate to
recycling - fast food joints and their heaps of garbage - i call you shit to the environment.

The snow is melting. The sun is peaking through.

The kids and i are enjoying the lightness in the evening. The relaxation that spring brings. I'm not sure how these physical changes happen, but spring always brings such promise. Promise of summer. The first swim in the lake. Field trips at school. The house staying cleaner as we expand our home to include the world outside the door. The fire in the wood stove in the evening for pleasure more than warmth.

And softball. I'm not sure what makes the beer league so much fun. The regular evenings out. Kids playing in the bushes while parents attempt to shake the winter chill from their stiff bones. Laughing.

My work schedule will make softball take a bit of a backseat. But work, in as much as work can be, is also more fun when it is beautiful out. People have a spark in their eyes. Lovers, couples, friends; all fueled by the company of each other. Lingering longer over bottles of wine, glasses of port. The rush of winter gone. Spring brings a sense of peaceful lingering.