you're gonna sink faster than you can swim

I've been holding back.

I've been holding back. I have family, and ex-family-in-law, and friends, and foes, and lovers all reading this thing.

This fucking thing. This blog. It is the dinosaur on my back. I love it so much. The outlet to write. To spew forth. Yet, i have lost it. And tonight. Tonight i am pissed off.

I am pissed off at all the women in their thirties and forties who feel the need to be all boobed up and tightened and highlighted. The men who make this misgiven, mistaken beauty persevere. Ugly eighties porn has become the norm for women who are in their most beautiful, confidant bodies they will ever have search for twenty-something.

Divorce's become desperate, men and women, to go back to who they were in their twenties. Who really wants twenty back? Uncomfortable, unsure, in every single thing you do. Will i succeed? Am i good enough. Am i strong enough. Can i face this world.

In your thirties, whatever your circumstance, you begin to realize that this is it. This is what life is. You can let it all in. Embrace it. The kids, the job, the sex life that matures and becomes boring - ready to be renewed in a thirties body.

And despite whatever i have said - divorce sucks. It really fucking sucks. Starting again. Initially titillating. Quickly becomes another job. Another stress.

And you see yourself out there. And you fancy yourself different. But soon, you are worrying about a life alone. You are not what you thought you might be. You are just another single mother. In a long line of single mothers.

And i am pissed off to be censored, by me, by you.