yeah it's overwhelming

The thing is i am really ready for spring. I know i am a little wimpy but it snowed all week here and yesterday we woke up to 30cm of snow on the ground. A winter day. In spring. The kids and i all looked out the window and we didn't even want to go out and play. We are tired of the cold, the damp. Our garden is sitting ready to plant. New raised beds built. Plans made.

Winter is tough for most people. It is hard for me. I have spent the last six months going through the motions of a life. A constant trudge through the guck. Working, sleeping, parenting. Thinking that "it will get better, it has to get better." Spring has sat on the horizon with it's promise of new beginnings. Winter was the segue between married and divorced. The long intermission in which we paced back and forth waiting for the second act to start.

The long period of denial has passed. Now i sit alone on the weekends. Part of me relishing the peace and quiet. The moments without children and interruption. Part of me lost without the security blanket of motherhood.

I am terrified of the future now. On the far side of my thirties life is starting again. I have to figure out how i am going to support myself and my children for the rest of it. Will i ever own a home again? Will i find a career? Will i spend the rest of my days trudging through small menial jobs, working for the weekend, for the paycheque. Chained to servitude.

I enjoy being a waitress. I like the escape that the restaurant provides. Completely immersing myself in the stories of the night. The craziness of the service industry. In a strange way it fuels my need for human contact, to be up and alive at night, to create small memories for people. Spending long moments at tables while i make tableside caesar salads and flambés. Chatting away about celebrations and the marking of special events in lifetimes.

I wish it was an occupation that was more accepting of maturity. Female servers are rarely in their 40's. It is a profession built around youthfulness and beauty. It makes me cringe to think, for the first time in my life, i am getting old. The thought of finding another job or going back to school makes me weary. Bone tired.