take another a little piece

I've been running. I've been running for so long. Running to find something. Running from something.

I realized it this weekend when i had a moment. A small moment. I was confronted with all my faults. My children's faces shining in front of me. I understood what this side of my personality has cost us. My family. They have suffered through my fidgeting through the years. Always antsy for something more. Something else. Never really seeing what i had right in front of me.

The children are on spring break. Their dad dropped them off early this morning, still in their pajamas. I was tired from late nights at work. I really wanted to just curl up and ignore the world for the day. But they had expectations and they were all in great moods.

All these sweet faces jumping on me in my bed. Kissing me. Telling me the tales of their weekend. It was one of those mornings where i really wished i could just embrace them, the moment, the day. I just couldn't. Today i just felt tired. The whirlwind of work when i don't have the kids. Late nights. Early mornings. I just wanted to be alone. For a day. A week.

It was the first time i can ever remember feeling that way. Like i just didn't want to be a parent today.