superserious

As i was wandering through my day with the kids i realized how much i have missed this year. I have been so tired, so sad, so overwhelmed, so busy. In many ways this year has been a blur.

If you ask me about BlogHer last summer i have barely a story, barely a memory.

I looked at eliza today, really looked. And my god that girl has grown. She has blossomed. She is reading. She is growing in to that red-headed feisty cliché. She stands her ground with me more than any of my other children. She dares me to be angry with her while smiling that freckle-faced dimpled grin that she was born with.

And what happened? What happened to the year. I have memories here and in photos. But, my mind draws a blank when i try to think of little moments.

I remember her as a baby and a toddler. All chubby goodness and giggling grins. Days and weeks in the hospital with her. Allergies and asthma. Failure to thrive. Worry.

And here she is now. Today. Such a beautiful, wonderful little girl. My shadow, my reflection. It is so difficult to show her how much i love her when she drives me so crazy with her confidence.

And it makes me a little sad to see them growing so quickly. The threads of babyhood and toddlers long broken. Me so wrapped up in my own pain and change, missing the little nuances.

I need to slow down again. Life is here, right in front of me. I need to wake up. I need to stop beating myself up about everything i don't have and can't do. I need to be present again before it is all done.