#800

Life has been a little hard lately. I hesitate to even speak of hard things now. I fear the worrying gaze of "you should be on medication." The little doubts i hold about that in my own head.

Truth be told i really don't feel any different now that i am free and clear of mood stabilizers. My moods are still the same. Radically shifting. Deeply introspective.

I have spent so much of my life wrapped up in my own thoughts. I have been quiet, introverted my whole life. I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to say what i am thinking. It's like i have this film constantly playing in my head at a thirty second delay:

When i just yelled at toby - right then - i could feel his pain. i could see him shriveling. why did i do that. kiss him. good. now tell him your sorry.

why are you asking me how i feel about you. can't you see it. it's right here, right in front of you. can't you hear what i'm thinking. stop looking away. stop biting your lip. just speak. why can't you speak. why are the words so easy in my head. i should just write a letter. that would be easier. that's right just get up and leave. it's easier this way

I have been questioning every single decision i made this year. Am i really better off now? I just don't know the answer. It is eating at me. Making me physically sick. My stomach is a wringing mess. All acid and bitter.

Posted by Jess at 11:01 PM Permalink

Comments (4)

marian

A stumble is not a fall. Take a deep breath. You're getting a little wrapped up in your head and identifying too strongly with your own inner dialogue, which intensifies when you pay attention to it. It's hard to drag your attention away but you should try, because that stuff is not your ally; and it's not you. Go for a walk with a friend, do something physical, take a shower--whatever you have to do to break it up. The whole "better or worse than the past" idea is a trap--it makes you feel helpless and guilty--and that's the goal of those mental traps. There's no answer--they just drain you of energy.

Go outside, take a deep breath, look up at the sky. You've been doing okay.

Posted by marian | March 12, 2008 04:12 AM

Kelliqua

Turn it off, Jess. Don't overthink.

Marian's right, sometimes you just have to go through the motions of day to day life and not delve too deeply into your own brain.

We ALL do this over-analyzing, especially during the shitty times. For me, the self-doubt usually diminishes in a few days if I don't let it take over.

Posted by Kelliqua | March 12, 2008 06:21 AM

jessica

It's so hard to turn off that inner dialogue. But no matter what Jess, you've never been one to take the easy route. Not once. I wonder what you are trying to compare yourself to....what exactly is better off? And if your whole life has been lived introvertedly, then why now are you beating yourself up over it? So many questions Jess. So very many questions. The truth is...not every question needs an answer, or even acknowledgement and acceptance. They are simply there. So if you can, let them just hang in the air, and perhaps, with their silence, you will find your voice.

Posted by jessica | March 12, 2008 08:58 AM

Loralee

I honestly think that your situation is going to be one where you won't really know if you are "Better off" in the long run for awhile.

A situation like this will probably take a long time to see the forest for the trees.

Posted by Loralee | March 12, 2008 02:02 PM