Today i am officially off my medication for depression and anxiety. Manic Depressive. Bi-polar disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder. Social Anxiety Disorder. There's been a few in there.
Seven months ago i tried to commit suicide. For the fifth time in my life.
Five months ago my thirteen year marriage ended.
It would seem that, if ever there was a time, now is the time i need to be medicated. But? But, i feel differently. I feel like i have worked through a lot of the demons that have been haunting me. I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven others. I became ready to try life without the fog of drugs.
For me, medication never really made me feel better. I was on medication during my suicide attempt. It just made me feel dull and like a shell of my former self. Everything became more difficult.
Finding joy. Finding artistic fulfillment. Feeling awake. Feeling alive. Remembering things. Not needing ten hours of sleep.
Sure, i could face the world without anxiety. But the cost felt too high. I feel like i lost myself in prescription medicine.
This morning when it was time to take my medicine. A time that filled me with anxiety every morning because i knew that if i forgot, even for a few hours, i would face debilitating headaches and nausea later in the day. But, it was very scary to let go of that crutch. That thing which assured me, despite side-effects, was making me better.
I did it. I took my extra vitamins. My fish oils. My acidopholous. I sprayed some rescue remedy in my mouth and i faced the day. A first day in over two years without effexor, lorazepam, ativan, zanax or cipralex.
I made it through. It wasn't great. But, it wasn't horrible.
And i feel a little bit freer tonight. Waiting for it all to leave my body completely.
Waiting for me.
Posted by Jess at 11:49 AM Permalink
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Jess--Despite the fact that I don't know you, and really am not in a position to judge in any way whatsoever, I feel that you are on the right track. If you need to go back on meds to handle the anxiety you always can. But you seem to be handling this very well. Focus on the good of each day. Keep in mind all the things you are happy about. Be aware that the general focus of your mind is an integral part of your health. We all have to do this, eventually, no matter what our drug may be. But always remember that you can stumble, pick yourself up, and try again as many times as you need to. Eventually, perserverence will win out!
Posted by marian | February 5, 2008 04:09 AM