spit out the last of what made me hurt

A family member just came to visit for a couple of days. It was nice. I feel so proud of my new home. Of my new life. Of all the things i have accomplished.

I just want to share it. Share it with my family. I want to be accepted and loved. I want to be felt proud of.

Family is so hard. I have such a deeper appreciation now for what family means and all the good things mine taught me. I was never an easy child. I have always been distant, difficult to know. I have a lot of trouble letting my family in. It is hard for them, they don't really understand me. I am always filled with expectation and hope about our relationship and always leave feeling lonely and misunderstood.

I'm beginning to see that my expectations are not realistic. If i want to be loved, i need to love. If i want to be understood, i need to understand, i need to share.

I am trying harder to do that. To let them in a little. Let them in without feeling worry or shame about who i am.

Part of it is the mental illness. My family has a hard time understanding it, feeling like helpless onlookers. I have taken that as a personal slight instead of trying to explain it better. I always retreat to the "everything is fine" corner when i should have been saying "it's not okay, but there's not much you can do."

I have always been ashamed, trying to protect them from the pain and hurt and worry. Instead i made them worry more. I'm not sure exactly how changing these behaviours and patterns will happen or how to make it happen. But, i am aware of it now.