mid-day post

I am doing well. I know people are watching me. Worried. Waiting for me to fall. Hoping for the best.

The kids and i had a wonderful day. Actually, couple of days. We went for a long walk along the traintracks and the edge of the lake yesterday. Catching up on our weekends apart. Tristan had been in vancouver living it up and being spoiled by my parents. The other three spent the weekend at their dads while i continued to detoxify and withdraw.

It is going as i expected. Moments of anxiety, panic, sadness. Lots of pain and nausea. But, i know it should get better. It will get better. I talked to a doctor on the phone tonight when i began to panic after looking in the mirror, at night, and realizing that my pupils were very constricted. Pupils so small i could barely see them. It freaked me out. Here i am, feeling sick and dizzy, nauseous, pale and sweaty. Really, i've been feeling like i am very ill. Really sick, like i'm laying on my death bed. I imagine that sometimes. When i am laying in bed, holding my head, i really am dying. This is way worse than withdrawal. I have a secret underlying condition that is killing me and i am blaming it on withdrawal. But, i don't. I was on a medication that doctors routinely prescribe without a single mention of side-effects or discontinuation effects.

Anyway, if you click on parker up there you will see a bunch of cute photos from today that will assure you all is well.

xx
jess