January 14, 2008

never weak, always strong

It ain't me babe.

Life is such a rollercoaster. In the big picture everything is just fine. I'm happy, the kids are happy.

But there is always this undertone. This doubt. That every little thing that goes wrong is because of the separation. Is because of me.

I had a wonderful weekend. Without the kids. That's guilty spot number 1. I slept in till noon. I wandered around downtown. I shopped in a used bookstore.

It was like a re-introduction to my youth.

I had a weekend without work. Without kids. And i enjoyed it. I know i didn't do anything wrong. This is just the way life is. This is my new life. In a way it's what i have craved for so long. A little time. A little freedom. But. But i felt so guilty. Knowing that work wasn't keeping me from them. That i was free. That they could. They should be with me.

They should be with me.

Posted by Jess at 09:09 PM Permalink

Comments (6)

jenijen

and next time they are with you, you'll appreciate their presence all the more. you NEED weekends without work or kids. everyone does.

xoxo

Posted by jenijen | January 14, 2008 09:49 PM

Frogdancer

I remember the early days... the child-free weekends were like a rollercoaster. One second deliriously happy without them, the next second guilt-ridden.

You'll get to my stage. I love my weekends with them, and I love my weekends without them. I feel like I have the perfect life. It's a lovely balance of 'me' time and 'us' time. It just takes a little bit of getting used to. But you'll get there.

Posted by Frogdancer | January 14, 2008 11:03 PM

jessica

Jess my friend,

A well deserved happy moment alone, doing the just for you things that you need to do. Not only for you, but for them. A happy well rested rejuvenated mom who is eagerly awaiting their return. But. But I'm not sure the doubt ever disappears.

Posted by jessica | January 14, 2008 11:33 PM

marian

The guilt is really hard to deal with, I know. But it will get easier. It will especially get easier as the kids grow up and start to prefer being with their friends to being with you!

Meanwhile, try to remember that guilt is a purely destructive emotion and most importantly, won't help anyone. It's okay for your kids to be without you for a couple of days. As a matter of fact, it's probably really, really good for them, hard as that is to believe.

Posted by marian | January 15, 2008 04:40 AM

Valeen

Sometimes I STILL feel that way, even though we've been divorced 5 years...I think its something, like anything and most everything, you work and struggle through to the other side and are stronger for it. IT being the fact that we enjoy the time without the kids ( I have two boys) The doubt, I agree...I dont think it ever disappears...the early part of The Divorce (as I call that truly dark part of my life) I blamed everything on it...bills not getting paid, my unhappiness...heck even my oldest son going through puberty early.

Posted by Valeen | January 15, 2008 06:56 PM

Renee

I know just what you mean. When I have some 'just for me' time, no work, no kids, I feel guilty in a way too. That's just so wrong, but I do. We need to get over it, eh?!

Posted by Renee | January 16, 2008 01:17 PM