humminah

2008 has started a little wobbly. I tricked myself into thinking that things were going to be different for me now that i have started this new life.

And they are.

I am doing better. Just a little wobbly.

Christmas was incredibly difficult. The kids enjoyed being in vancouver, but it was all to obvious to them that things were different. Not bad. Just different. My kids don't react well to different.

The christmas eve and christmas day traditions were different. The food was different. The people were different. There was no dad there. They were unhappy with their gifts, or the lack there of. The three days went by way too fast and i dropped them off at their dads feeling overwhelmed and depressed by the burden of their unhappiness.

And then they were gone. They were gone with their dad for five days. That's the longest i've been without them. I filled up my time with work as much as i could, but there was still lots of time to sit. Sit and stew. Feel the knocking of sadness in my heart and dark thoughts in my head.

Finally, when i got them back, we had a lovely five days together. Getting lost in the joys and relaxation of a holiday week together. I was not at all ready to send them back to school this morning. Clinging to the peaceful moments of holiday.

This evening we took down our tree and re-arranged the furniture a bit. We are still working on making our little home perfect. I feel headachey and lacking in the mothering position. I have been laid off from one of my jobs for three months and my other job has little to no work for me for the next three months. I have gone from crazy too much work to none at all in the blink of an eye. Small town seasonal curse.

I'm not exactly sure what to do next. It is looming over me. Making it difficult to focus on the minutae of children.