"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as crazy, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." Jack Kerouac

I have been talking by email, or facebook, (are they the same thing now?) with a friend who is in Pai Thailand. I founf myself searching flights tonight. Thinking that i could actually just drop everything and go for a week. That was a pretty amazing feeling for me.

Of course, though i would give away my favourite animal to go, i just can't afford the killer airfare.

But, i could save up over the busy summer and go. I could do something just for me.

I am feeling really good. I am almost finished my weaning off period of my medication - cipralex. The first drop down in dosage was difficult. Constant headache, dizziness, upset stomach. This second drop has been easier. The headaches a little easier to deal with. It pretty much peaks mid-afternoon. The kids have been amazing. I explained to them why i was so tired. That i needed to lie down in the afternoons so that my headache didn't make me grumpy.

They play quietly. They leave me alone. Then my headache goes. And i can make them dinner, let them race around, splash in the tub, sit right on top of me during storytime - all without frustration or anxiety.

I am feeling very positive about this break from medication. I'm excited about it.

Please listen to this song.

It has been my theme song lately. I skip around whistling it in my head. It's just one of those things, one of those songs that seems to fit perfectly with your life at a moment.

That's what i love about music. That's why i think i've always been attracted to and attracted musicians. I have such a respect for the talent. The magic of those perfect moments. Sometimes it's at a live show and sometimes it's right in your living room.

I have been introspective lately. Really looking in on myself. Trying to piece together my life. How it all came together as it has. Reflecting not on the negative, but the positive. The friends that have come in and out of my life. The memories that have stuck around. Amazed by the little things i remember.

Small moments in my marriage and my dating life before my marriage where i felt absolute joy. Pure love, brief moments forever etched into my memory. My heart.

I really want my marriage to be something i remember fondly. Something that i can share with the kids. Because it didn't last forever doesn't mean that i want to erase it from my life. I was married to a wonderful man. We had four beautiful children. I will always love him. It just didn't work out. For a multitude of reasons.

But, the reasons don't matter anymore. If i focus and dwell on those i will never be happy. I will never be able to celebrate that period of my life and the bounty it produced.

I will never call him "my ex." It's so shallow. So mean. He will always be shane.

It has been beautiful this week. The sun shining strong. The moon glowing full in a clear sky at night. Frost covering the ground day and night. The kids have had a good week. They have been happier again. A little more settled. They are with me for six days this week, which has been nice. We are getting settled into routines. Homework, baths, dinner, chores reading books. Things that have been happening all along, but more out of necessity than actual enjoyment.

We have begun some yard work. Seeing snowdrops peeking through. Planning our vegetable garden.

It seemed a good week to start weaning off my medication. I know that medication is vitally important for mental health in a lot of people. One of them has been me. I feel strong enough to try life without drugs. I want to try. I really dislike the idea of being on them. The damage they do to my body.

I'm not saying i'm giving up on them forever. But, originally, my psychiatrist wanted me to go on them to give me the strength to get control back in my life. I feel like i have done that. That it is time to make a go of this on my own.

So far i feel the same as i did when i first went on them. Woobly in my head, out of body. Tummy aches, headaches, fatigue. But each day feels a little better. I'm going down by a third every ten days.

This weekend i am only working a few shifts. I am looking, casually, at a few houses to buy. I'm not sure about that yet. Frightening to own a house as a single parent.

I had a whole post written last night. I'm sure it was really great. Somehow it totally disappeared.

I'll write it again later.

Life is strange. It really is. I have been censoring myself here like i never have. I have so many variables at play in my head. In my fingers.

People to be scared of. People to protect. People i care about deeply and don't want to hurt. People i want to hurt.

But, you know what? Life goes on. And i need to go on. I need to move on. I need to feel safe moving on.

I have dated on and off for the past few months. It is probably too soon. But, life is lonely. And i won't be young forever.

And whatever.

I'm not doing anything wrong.

I've never really worried about the whole dating thing. I'm not the most beautiful person in the world. I have four children. I'm recently separated. I am a great pick!

But. Without any judgement. There are plenty of people who are lonely.

Actually, that's a lie. I am so turned off by the prospect of dating as i really dislike most people. I more believe in accidental meetings of people who you were meant to meet. People who understand you. Accept you.

I have someone like that in my life. We have dated on and off for several months. I just don't want to hide it anymore. I don't want to feel judged. The third song is for me.

Toby has been having trouble. I should have known, actually i did know, that this would be very hard for him.

He is angry one day. Slamming doors and refusing to talk. The next day brought to tears by everything. Hiding under his school desk, holding his breath, red-faced, trying not to cry.

I have been feeling a little lost. My patience tried to it's very last thread. My heart torn apart by my little man who has pulled atthose same heart strings his whole life.

I spoke with his teacher, his principals, his dad. We all agreed that he was having trouble. At first i thought about counselling. It seems like a good idea, but a little pricey. Then i found out about a program in town called Rainbows for kids just like him. Kids from broken homes, kids who have lost a parent. All that lovely stuff. It's all about the kids. They sit around and talk. And apparently, and hopefully, it makes them feel better.

So, starting this thursday we will all be going to Rainbows together. Me and my four kids.

It seems a little awkward to be sending them into therapy, or group therapy, when i hate therapy myself. But, i will do anything to help my lovely and perfect boy.

It ain't me babe.

Life is such a rollercoaster. In the big picture everything is just fine. I'm happy, the kids are happy.

But there is always this undertone. This doubt. That every little thing that goes wrong is because of the separation. Is because of me.

I had a wonderful weekend. Without the kids. That's guilty spot number 1. I slept in till noon. I wandered around downtown. I shopped in a used bookstore.

It was like a re-introduction to my youth.

I had a weekend without work. Without kids. And i enjoyed it. I know i didn't do anything wrong. This is just the way life is. This is my new life. In a way it's what i have craved for so long. A little time. A little freedom. But. But i felt so guilty. Knowing that work wasn't keeping me from them. That i was free. That they could. They should be with me.

They should be with me.

Yesterday i was getting my haircut and my cute as a button hairstylist was pregnant. Just starting to show. Due in june. It was really nice chatting to her about pregnancy. First babies.

It left me ruminating and dreaming of those first years of pregnancy and babies. Life was so full of possibility then.

My first year as a mother was one of the best years of my life.

I was a newlywed, a mother, young and vibrant. No money worries. Depression and anxiety had magically disappeared and stayed away for several years. It was a magical, free and happy time. I still celebrate the memory of that time. So thrilled that i got to experience it.

I feel a little bit of that magic now.

Long and leisurely days with parker. Giggling and laughing together. Showers in the morning, him playing in the luke warm water at my feet. Having fun doing simple things like dishes and various household chores. Watching his four year old brain really come alive. Beginning to understand his feelings and emotions. Understanding how to express them. And always his kisses. Leaning over at every opportunity to plant one on me. Snotty nose or not.

In september all my kids will be in school. My extended 10-year babymoon will be over. Another chapter in life will begin. I feel so lucky to have had all this time with them. To have a job that lets me spend all this time with them.

This has been the most challenging job i could never have imagined. And, at the end of the day, as i wander the house alone looking at each of them sleeping soundly. Reflecting on each day. It's failures and accomplishments. I know that the reward. Four beautiful children. So worth the struggles.

Above all. Above everything. I am a mother. It will be my biggest accomplishment. It will be my mark on this world.

Dear Family (extended and otherwise)

The kids are fine. If they are not i will let you know.

Now please go away.

This is my place.

I have worked very hard on this for five years. I need this to be my place.

Thank you

jess

2008 has started a little wobbly. I tricked myself into thinking that things were going to be different for me now that i have started this new life.

And they are.

I am doing better. Just a little wobbly.

Christmas was incredibly difficult. The kids enjoyed being in vancouver, but it was all to obvious to them that things were different. Not bad. Just different. My kids don't react well to different.

The christmas eve and christmas day traditions were different. The food was different. The people were different. There was no dad there. They were unhappy with their gifts, or the lack there of. The three days went by way too fast and i dropped them off at their dads feeling overwhelmed and depressed by the burden of their unhappiness.

And then they were gone. They were gone with their dad for five days. That's the longest i've been without them. I filled up my time with work as much as i could, but there was still lots of time to sit. Sit and stew. Feel the knocking of sadness in my heart and dark thoughts in my head.

Finally, when i got them back, we had a lovely five days together. Getting lost in the joys and relaxation of a holiday week together. I was not at all ready to send them back to school this morning. Clinging to the peaceful moments of holiday.

This evening we took down our tree and re-arranged the furniture a bit. We are still working on making our little home perfect. I feel headachey and lacking in the mothering position. I have been laid off from one of my jobs for three months and my other job has little to no work for me for the next three months. I have gone from crazy too much work to none at all in the blink of an eye. Small town seasonal curse.

I'm not exactly sure what to do next. It is looming over me. Making it difficult to focus on the minutae of children.

The kids are just watching Hairspray with some friends. They are all dancing around the living room. I am entertaining them by dancing past the doorway every few seconds with a mop in my hands. Lots of giggling echoing through the house.

I have had the best week with my kids. I'm not sure if it's because i missed them so much during the five days they were with their dad, or the fact that we haven't had school and therefor four days of hanging out and playing. Whatever it is we are all feeling rejuvenated. Ready to face 2008.

Now that last year is officially behind me i took a few moments today to think about the year ahead, reminisce about last year.

I looked around my home. Taking stock. The kids were running around. Playing doctor with the cats. Wrapping them in bandages, carrying them around on pretend stretchers. I was napping, helping put together christmas gifts, getting tristan's new sewing machine to work. Making snacks. It felt like home. Really like home. Peaceful, calm and happy. Comfortable. Everything i hoped for in my home.

We laughed when someone left the kitchen sink running and overflowed all over the floor. We took turns moping, skating around on the water. Declaring new years day the annual flood your kitchen day. Things that could have been stress provoking being just an accident. Just a part of the chaos.

That is how i always want my house to be. A place where we can all make mistakes. We can fix the things we can and maybe learn something from some others and forgive the rest.

That's my first goal for this year.

My second goal i thought of while i was outside after dinner getting firewood. I looked in through the beautiful leaded glass windows at the coloured lights in the living room, the kids all cozied up in front of the fire it was then that i really understood my new responsibilities. I have to take care of this home and these children. Financially. Emotionally. Physically. For five days every week i am their provider. To do that i have to keep my mental health a priority. I have to keep ahead of the tides that sometimes creep up on me. I have to stay in control. I will do that with medication, vitamins, healthy diet, exercise, sleep and moderation in all things.

The other part is money. I love being a server. It is incredibly fulfilling for me. The food, the atmosphere, the people, the camaraderie with the other servers and kitchen staff. A nightly show. A nightly escape from all the other burdens of life. But, i'm going to be too old really soon and the work is so seasonal. I'll have to be very prudent to make it through the next three months till busy season arrives again. I need to figure out what my next step will be. Maybe school. I'm not sure yet. I'm giving myself this year to figure it out.

Lastly, for me. Just for me. I want to read more, i want to write more, i want to take more photos, i want to finish my novel, i want to go to blogher again, i want to be more social. Return phone calls. Make friends. Challenge myself in one of the hardest ways for me. But, i need to do that. I need friends.

I am feeling positive. This year things are going to be better for me.