I wrote this one year ago:
The idea of being able to say goodbye to an emotion, a longing, a feeling that is tearing you up inside.
It may not be tearing you up, it may just be a haunting doubt. Or just a doubt.
Similar to what i said before. Is this what my life is going to be like? Walking along this road, frustrated by the different paths that your life and your spouses have taken. When did we come to that fork in the road? When did our want's become different? When did it become okay to treat me like a doormat? More importantly when did i let that happen?
At what moment in time, i really want to know, did i let go of caring. Of voicing my rights as a human being? Of being treated with respect. Not respect - love?
Was it when i gave birth? When i was so vulnerable, when i let every defense down because i had to birth a child. Am i that gross? Did i really lose all sense of self-worth then and pour myself so completely into my children that i lost every single little bit of backbone i once had.
Why is it that now, when i need help the most, when i want a life back that i am losing the tug-of-war. That everybody just wants me to "make it all go away."
Make what go away? Me? I am sad. I am unhappy.
I want to say goodbye to sad. Send it out the door.
I have had enough of you. I have had enough pain, insecurity, anxiety. I don't need you.
"But you do need me. I am you. Without me you couldn't write. You couldn't be so honest. You could never love."
Well. I don't know.
Do i want to say goodbye to you? You bring up a good point. I am who i am because of sadness. I have fought you through children and marriage and love and drugs.
And yet, you are still here.
The very best thing about this detailing of my life, this writing from the heart, is that i can look back when i am full of doubt. Or lonely. I can look back and remember where i have been. I can see a future that is different.
I can wade through this time of turmoil and change. I can be comforted that i did try and make a change.
Posted by Jess at 10:21 PM Permalink
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Jess, I'm just delurking. I've been following your blog for a while now.
It was reading your one-year-old message that was like, you know, I could have written a whole lot of that, too. The doubt. THE doubt. How could it all happen? When did I let go of my wishes? Why does it seem so hard now to claim what I want?
Why is it so hard to let go now of the wishes we know will never come true... at least not in the relationship we are in at that point of time?
My, you're so brave. I haven't arrived there yet. Maybe I never will.
Keep your chin up. You are honest to yourself (and thus, to other people). This is not self-evident (because we all tend to fool ourselves), and it's something you can be extremely proud of.
Posted by Claudia | December 14, 2007 12:22 AM