Subterranean Homesick Blues

And so you ought to be proud, because they are indeed awesome. Congrats to Tristan, that sounds great. And Toby, what an amazing job he is doing. Eliza, learning to knit....very cool. And Parker, willing to give kindergarten a chance...great.

Hang in there Jess.

Infidelity isn't always about sex, or love, or passion, or excitement.

Sometimes it's the only way to get across to someone (or even yourself) that things just can not stay the way they are, no matter how "ok" life seems.

Sometimes it's about bringing a catalyst for change into a relationship.

Sometimes the change is in you; it's a realisation that ok is all you need, but sometimes it's a more frightening change that takes away the security of ok, but ultimately leaves you with the hope of better.

Someday it'll be better.

No one ever said you haven't done a great job with your kids. They're adorable and you deserve to be very proud, because they didn't just magically turn out that way.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh in my last comment, but some of the other comments seemed so nonchalant, like "Lalala, it happens all the time, so what." I suppose it's true, it does happen all the time, which is sad for a variety of reasons.

Anyway, crank calls and anonymous blog comments are so incredibly cowardly and childish. If someone feels the need to talk to you about it, they can certainly find your email address and act like a grownup and write. Sheesh. It's embarrassing what passes for adult behavior in the world these days. Would our grandparents have made crank calls or posted useless & mean blog comments? I don't think so.

I love Eliza's freckles - they're so little girl next door perfect. It's like an artist drew them on her.

It's a terrible time to have no money in the bank. I can totally relate to you there. I wish time would stop for a while, so my life and finances could catch up.

This is the time to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each day will have little triumphs and defeats but the triumphs wil eventually win out. You'll be stronger, kinder, more compassionate towards others. You'll realize that mean people are frightened and desperately lonely themselves. You'll be a good role model for your gorgeous kids, and, best of all, you will forgive yourself and you will revel in your life. Just take each moment as it comes and be in it with all your beautiful heart.

When all is said it done, it will be water under the bridge. You've seen it. Think of it as a game of tag. People need a target, a reason to gossip. Right now, you're "it". Next time, someone else will be "it".
People make mistakes. And then they move on. The fact that you are says much more about the people around you, who aren't.

This time of year, there are a lot of churches who take in single moms and make their Christmases special. In the States there is Christian Community Action and other sources for sign up. We always donate to these causes. We would be happy to give to you this year, if you would like that. Email me privately with a special request if you want to. If not, just be creative. Make gifts for everyone.
I've been there, that's why I'm telling you.

This is the intolerable stage to me...Where everything is so bad and you know the only, ONLY thing that will help is time.

Which sucks.

It makes me wish for a remote control for life so I could fast forward to when everything is better.

You will get through this, and though it may sound trite, you need to take this all one day at a time.

It may be manageable that way.

I think it's corny and silly and weak until I face something that just makes me double over with the 'i just can't do this' of it all, and then one day seems attainable.

You're in the worst of it now. From here it will get better. Keep writing it out...

I've been right where you are for all the same reasons. It sucks gigantic hairy balls. But it does pass. And you wind up in a place where you are free and you are happy and life goes on. Just take it one day at a time. Keep breathing. Keep on keeping on.

We all do regrettable things when we are seeking validation and fulfillment of our needs. I don't think you are bad person, rather, you are human. Why is it that the things that make us most human often get us in the most troublesome situations? I don't have these answers ... I just sympathize and don't blame at all. I'm sorry for your troubles now ... the world isn't as forgiving as it should be. We have a tendency to hold people to standards higher than we hold ourselves which is a shame because most people have something to hide too. It's wonderful that you are finding such awesomeness in your kids right now.
Just keep breathing ...

Jess
I too have been right where you are, without the blame and judgement part, and it was still AWFUL.That it will "all turn out fine" is too easy to say, but life is long and someday it will be so far away, and your life so different, that the feelings that seem so difficult to live with now will be not even a memory.
Also, and I was waiting for someone to say this but I haven't seen it yet, so I will- the person with whom you had an affair is NOT blameless, if anyone should even be "blaming" anyone in the first place. You are not the evil adulterous women and he a blameless pawn in this. I don't care who he is or what you did, these matters take two people. Stop flaggelating yourself!You do not deserve it!!
Even without hard facts, I know it is not "all your fault".And what sort of creeps live around there? Isn't anyone at all giving you some support?????Sheesh.
Well, for what it is worth, you have some from me.
Hang in there- staying alive is better than the alternative, no matter how you feel in any given moment.
I see you have several offers of on-line support but here is another hand reaching out, if you need it.
Jo-Anne

I'm a long time lurker. I read the following this am and thought of you. It spoke to me of how we all go through really tough times and how our friends can support us by not judging, not supporting, not decrying, but just being there.

We must experience our loss, our hurt, and learn to deal with it directly on our own. As others assist us, to make it easier or better, they can actually interfere with this process. Being there for someone is not taking their side, nor is it doing what the injured party should be doing for themselves. We gain strength from our friends simply listening as we learn to take care of ourselves in the process.

As friends we should listen and let go of what we hear. We should understand its context: the context of anger and hurt. This is not a context of truth or clarity or balance. Nor should it be.

In the end, truth, balance, and clarity rise to the surface like muddy water that is clarifying by being still.

Remember, every lotus needs mud to live in.

http://clearmindzen.blogspot.com/2007/11/pain-and-suffering.html

Why is this about fault? Its not, really. Its about the choices you make and the impact they have on those around you. You are in control of your choices. Your children are not in charge of your choices, but they are going to be affected by them, now in in the very long term. Shane has choices, too.

If I were you, I'd stop worrying about 'who's blaming me and judging me and hating or liking me' and start thinking about the choices you've made, why you've made them, and take a long, soul-searching look at impact these choices are having on you and ESPECIALLY on your children. You aren't a victim here. Only you can change your path. If you consider the choices you have/make every day in a different light, maybe that will help you move in a direction that you will like better.

Jess,

What you must do for your own sanity, is quit beating yourself up. It seems like there are plenty of people out there that want to beat you down. You don't have to be part of the hate fest against yourself.

I cringe at countless things that I have done. I have to put them out of my mind, or I would go nuts again.

So stop it dang it! I have a book I want to send you, it is called "Conversations With God". It is not freaky religious. Maybe you have already read it. I can understand if you don't want to send a random person your address. So, if you don't want me to send it to you, check it out from the library. You won't regret it.

I cringe at countless things that I have done. I have to put them out of my mind, or I would go nuts again.

I just wanted to add, I have thought about these things, and made apologies when I needed to do so. And I have been forgiven, or not, but I addressed them, and that is all I need to do. But once in awhile, things come creeping back in my mind. But I let it go, and forgive myself, and move on. Nuff about me.

I was where you are 5 years ago. my friends kept me going, things got better, kids grow up and you get more sleep and the world looks different. The first Xmas will be hard, all that sentimentality and the feeling of not fitting, and o my god what have we done to our kids etc. expect it, and remember its only one day-you'll be back at work before you know it! I will send you some money-just email me..I mean it.. It's no problem-think of it as a little present from Ireland. x

Please come back to us, we are worried about you.

pulling for you, xo

Hey....I am so glad you finally realize that you are not the only one that made this happen. You made some choices...some good some bad...but all choices...and you are being the big girl here and making more choices to deal with them Good for you....I"M PROUD OF YOU!