Let's talk about my children. They are awesome.

I haven't said that enough lately. That used to be my thing. Back when i could feel it. Awesome!

There is no question that i have screwed up. Believe me, i know that. When i sit at my computer, christmas lists to my left, bills to my right and a bank account at $0 on my computer screen i know exactly where i am.

When people crank call me, or crank blog comment me, or don't talk to me - i know exactly what my life has become.

Maybe i do feel sorry for myself. I do. Today i do. The best thing i can do is hide in my bed. I had a couple ativan that i used up, one by one, at each pick up from school this week.

I knew this would happen. I knew it would take awhile for all of this to really sink in. When shane was asking me to make decisions, change, sign separation agreements, weeks after we separated - i knew - i knew it would be much harder. At some later date. And here i am.

And i know i did something wrong. I know i did a bad thing. Sometimes the heart, or loneliness, make you do bad things. Search for compassion. Search for someone to make you feel like a real person again.

I worked hard on my marriage. I did everything i was supposed to. I asked to go to marriage counseling. I asked to be loved. I asked for flowers. I asked for the garbage to be taken out. I asked for a little help.

This is not all my fault.

I am telling you what i did wrong.

I am ready to move on.

My kids are awesome.

Tristan is in a play this weekend, a pantomime. It is sold out - five shows. I am very proud.

Toby is learning to read. I am very proud.

Eliza learned to knit, with needles, this week. I am very proud.

Parker is thinking kindergarten might be okay. I am very proud.

i am here.

i am busy.

i have many stories to tell, which i've been waiting to tell. i can tell them now.

the judgers and the haters be damned.

Some things never change. A poem from my book of poetry i published in 1994:

And today

i think about suicide again
walking into the ocean
it would, of course,
make no difference

my lover is away
and i am lonely
because it's not the steps
to him
but, the steps away
that are long

i wonder how many mornings we have sat
at that table
over strong coffee
smiling

this space
is ours
the table
is simply a table
without that.

Today was boys day. Yesterday was girls day.

The kids are doing well. Moments of sadness. Moments of grief. Really, it's going better than i could have hoped.

They have been spared any of the public humiliation that i have felt. I have been keeping them very close to me though.

The comment on my last entry about the man i had an affair with was from a parent at the school. People assuming they know an entire story. Assuming they know me. And judging me based on assumptions. At times i feel like leaving the school. But i won't because i know it is a great place for my children.

hobbes - internet

It is always hard when i pick up the kids on monday. The transition from house to house. The emotions.

They always greet me with such enthusiasm. Kisses and love. It rejuvenates me.

I am always exhausted on monday mornings. Having done nothing but work since the moment i drop them off on friday. This weekend it was almost sixty hours of work. A long weekend full of busy restaurants. Families celebrating time together. Remembering loved ones and families lost in battle.

A weekend full of customers wanting to talk, to share their experiences. It is nice to be a part of this theatre. The theatre of dining. I go home and fall into bed. Dreaming of soldiers and children. Nightmares about slow service in the bistro. Spilling soup on clean clothes.

Then i pick up the kids and i want to give them everything i have. But, i have so little. Totally body exhaustion takes over. I find myself face down on the floor. Sound asleep while they play around me. And then begins the crazy week of school and playdates and activities and working still.

It is hard, merging these two lives i have now. Doing it alone. Wanting to share with someone how incredibly tired i am. Someone to help. Someone to tell me it's all going just fine.

I have very little today.

I signed my separation agreement yesterday.

Tonight i burned my copy in the fire.

It is only money.

It is the end of a life.

I threw my wedding ring in too.

Th problem with having the kids monday to friday is that my time with them is wrapped up in school, activities and playdates. We never get to *really* spend time together.

This morning we declared family day.

After waking up groggy we headed back to bed. Parker, eliza and toby began a quiet game in their rooms and tristan and i settled back in for a two hour snooze. Smiling at each other through the doorway. It was the most relaxing morning i've had in a long time.

This working ten shifts a week is starting to wear me down.

We went out for brunch and bought some new clothes for the kids. Trying to build up their wardrobes at my house. Toby has decided that track pants are his friend which is fine by me as they are only $8 per pair. Tristan and eliza are bonding over clothes and beading. Sharing a room is helping them to finally forge a sisterly bond. Parker refused to even look at clothes and then had a minor spaz in the car on the way home because he didn't get any. That boy. He is as difficult as ever. The temper of a grown man stuck in traffic.

I forgive him though. I was the youngest of four too. I understand how difficult it can be.

I am getting ready for my evening work. The kids and i snuggled on the couch, warmed by the wood stove. Not a single complaint about a babysitter tonight.

It was a good day.

I'm thinking a lot about this independent woman thing.

Overrated?

Underrated?

It's all about the day.

Sometimes i feel so proud of my accomplishments. Paying the bills. Feeding the kids. Managing it all. All on my own steam.

Other times i feel so lonely. When i'm in line at the grocery store. $87 in tips in my pocket. $87 to my name. Trying my best to navigate the mathematics of produce while wrangling four kids. Bill coming out to $113. Trying the bank card. Crossing my fingers that it will go through.

Of course, it doesn't. Picking out things to take out. Inevitably they are my things. Some tea. Some coffee. Some cream - useless without coffee. Getting the bill back down. The man behind me looking annoyed, yet sympathetic. Or looking at me like i am pathetic. A failure.

At work, so hungry. Serving all the food. It smells so good. Knowing that if i buy lunch, i'll have less tips. Holding out for some free scraps at the end of the day. A little salad. A few potatoes.

It can be such a lame life.

It can be such an inspiring life.

I'm in love with this man. His words. His voice. His music. Even the beard.

In the restaurant last night we had a mom and dad in with their young teenage son. He went to a local fancy pants boarding school. He was sweet and polite. And obviously gay. Or well on his way to being so. I suspect he already knew so. I'm so impressed with the world today that kids, although it must be incredibly hard, are able to come out as gay while they are still young. While they are going through those already rough years of teenship.

To me it speaks to a future that might be a little kindler and gentler.

As dinner was ending the conversation got a little intense. Mom and dad on one side of the table and tender-hearted son on the other. We overheard little snippets of conversation; "so do you have a girlfriend yet?"

"That's not my son."

As dessert was prepared we noticed young son crying. Dad waving his finger heatedly. Mom nodding in agreement. To be fair i really had no idea what was going on. But, i felt so sick inside. I wanted to pick up the young son. Save him from the torment in such a public place. I could feel the big ball in his throat. I could remember the identical feelings.

I was enraged. With no way to help. Instead i have just let it bother me for days.

I haven't officially joined nablopomo this year. The pressure is a little more than i can take right now. The commitment.

I finished work early today. The reality of living in a summer town kicking in as the bistro slows down to a crawl during the day. At least the restaurant stays busy at night.

Having four hours all alone is such a foreign thing to me. To be alone in a house. My house. It is beautiful here. I can see the lake through the wall of windows in my living room. You should really come see it.

I finished unpacking and organizing the kids rooms. Tristan and eliza are in one room, toby and, in theory, parker in another and me , and realistically, parker in another. It is small, but suits us fine. We like to be together anyway. Our rooms are all in a row, with the girls in the middle, and doorways connecting us all. We can see each other from our beds. Little smiles across the way as we all struggle to wake up in the morning. They have all inherited my dislike for waking up early.

I think i will keep them all home from school one day this week so that we can really spend some time together in our new home. Rake leaves, plant some bulbs, perhaps a bonfire.

I miss them when they are not around. The sounds of little voices filling every corner.

I have discovered something wonderful.

Friendship.

I have always had a very hard time being a friend, making friends. Opening up. I haven't had any girlfriends since highschool. It had been so long that i forgot how wonderful it is to talk, really talk, with another woman. The common bond. The trust. The generosity of the human spirit.

I am so happy to be developing great friendships with some wonderful women. Home and far away.

Today i am staying in bed all day. The kids are gone. I feel the immense burden and sadness falling on me now.

It has been two months of running. Racing. Fleeing.

Now i am settled. Now i am finally standing still.

All i can do is lay in bed and hide from the world.

All i can do is cry.

All i can do is take this day as my day of mourning.

All i can do is try to sleep.

It's been a week. The hardest one yet. I'll recap.

The weekend was full of double shifts, long days and long nights. Packing up the condo in my hour between jobs. Stressing about the actual move.

Packing up my stuff from the old house. Remembering the day we moved in, a house full of promise.

A message on my cell phone saturday night saying that eliza had jumped from a high spot and broken her foot. Shane leaving the kids with his mother as he left on a business trip. Remembering our trip to miami last fall.

Trying to call and see how eliza was, calls unanswered, messages not returned. Having to get a friend to call and speak to my mother-in-law to find out what was going on. Hysterical calls from eliza begging me to go and get her. Why did i have to work? Why couldn't i just call in sick and go get her?

Moving early monday morning. Going to the house and having to see my mother-in-law for the first time. Her refusing to look at me. A curt exchange of information about the kids. Leaving my old home half empty.

Unpacking the house in a rush so that i could finally go and see my kids. Pick them up from school. Excited to see the house.

Happy children. Feeling better.

Call from school parent. Wants to meet with me. Asks me to resign as president. Tears flowing. So much work. Years of work left unappreciated. Refuse to resign.

Back to double shifts on wednesday. Kids go trick or treating without me. My wonderful friend brings them to the restaurant to see me and march around in their costumes.

This morning babysitter cancels. Call in sick to day job. Have unexpected day with parker and eliza.

We wander out to get fire wood from the shed and a large buck is there. He stares at us gently and continues foraging right in front of us. We are happy. We feel at home. Our new home is perfect.

I finally found my camera cord and will take pictures this week. Begin writing again. The therapeutic sound of keyboard clacking. Sitting by a warm fire while my kids explore the new home. Become part of the history of this hundred year old home. We can hear the generations of children that have laughed inside these walls.

The promise of a new life with new hope is sitting here. Waiting for me to let it begin.