moving today. crazy. crazy.

busy. busy.

back soon.

Working in restaurants i meet so many interesting people. Working in slightly higher end dining establishments means that people are there to enjoy themselves. Often they are celebrating. Reconnecting with family or friends. Anniversaries. Birthdays. Successes in life.

I enjoy it because they let me be a part of their story. At least for awhile. They are happy to see me. They are happy.

Last weekend i had a boyfriend and girlfriend in. She was meeting his mom and sister. They spent three hours putting me through my paces. Several drinks, hot water with lemon, coffee, three course meal.

Early in the meal they asked me my name. That doesn't happen very often. It became very friendly. We had small conversations each time i went to the table. Most of the other tables turned over in the time they were there. It was just lunchtime.

When they were getting ready to leave the boyfriend asked me if i believed in karma.

"yes!" i said. Because i do. I really do. It's one of the only things i believe in.

He said; "well, a lot of good things must happen to you."

It was the nicest thing i've heard in weeks.

I have a scarlet letter. That's how it feels. As i wander around the schoolyard, the grocery store. This town is so small.

There's a song on the new Band of Horses album with the line;

"this town is so small
how can anyone not smile
or look me in the eye
or wave as i drive by"

That's how i feel.

I packed up my stuff from my marital home today. I gathered things and knick-knacks. Small, worthless things that hold all the history. I remember when each thing was given, or purchased. How small things made that house a home. Splitting the things up seemed wrong. Taking away the specialness of a family created. Splintering it. Destroying the memory.

My marriage was a good thing. We never really fought. We had a lot of fun together. Created four beautiful children. The last few years were still fine. We just grew apart. My depression created a large hole in the floor. A crevice that grew and grew till the distance between us on the sofa might as well have been a mile. We always loved each other though. I still love him. I always will. I will always cherish the life we had together.

It was. It is hard. I need to do what's best for me. It may not be best for my kids. A family is best. I need to recreate that for them. A different kind of family. Me and them. Him and them. It will be okay. I will be healthier.

Let me tell you about my children. They are amazing. They are giving me strength. The minute i see them i feel my purpose.

All the work. All the writing.

It's all for them.

Trying to find my way, figure my way, through these murky waters.

i never thought i could be so lonely. i never imagined life to be this hard. so free.

freedom is over-rated. under-achieved. over-worked.

i'm tired. too much work. too few kids. the ominous christmas ahead.

I'm off to work, but in love with my new computer. The photo is to prove that i am still alive and lovely in my work blacks. The black suits me just fine.

So, my birthday came and went.

I picked up the kids the morning of my birthday and they didn't know. I felt bad, knowing they would feel bad they forgot. I told them on the way to school that we would make it a great day.

After school they came home and hid out in their rooms and made lovely cards and gifts. We had a nice dinner. Together. The five of us. They sang a rambunctious happy birthday. We snuggled. We wrestled. We giggled.

It was a lovely night.

A lonely night.

A friend dropped by a gift during the day. It was the only one i received. It was special. That simple knock on the door. A hug.

The journey i am on has been such an interesting one. My life has taken so many twists in the past year. Being alone a few nights a week has been difficult. Difficult and inspiring.

I often wander around a little lost. Listen to music. Flip through channels. Will my computer to let me look at a few blogs. Or twitter. Then it fails me. I dance. I sing. I do laundry. I read books.

I think. Most of the things i wander around in the night doing are distractions from actually sitting down and thinking. Reflecting on this journey.

But i am thinking. Marvelling at how far i have come in the past few months.

Three months ago i was sitting on the edge. Letting life slip through my fingers.

A revelation in a hospital bed. Straightening up. Seeing clearly the path of destruction behind me. Looking in the bright eyes of my children. Seeing a future that was different. A future where i could be strong. I could be a woman they would be proud to know as adults.

They may be angry with me now. They may always be angry with me. But, i am here to be angry at. I am stronger. I am putting in the fight for life. The fight for a better life for me, which means a better life for them.

Have you ever been afraid. Really afraid.

I was scared. I have been scared so many times. I am scared.

I am scared of this new life i have created.

I drive by my new house. Sitting empty. Various worker people making it ready for me.

Am i ready for it. Am i ready for this new life.

What the hell have i done.

I speak to shane on the phone. Exchanging courtesies. Children importances. It is all so comfortable. Except, as he said, the big white elephant.

Yet, i keep going back to that. That place that is perfectly comfortable. Where you can burp and fart, pee with the door open, laugh about your flaws. Until your flaws become so unbearable.

Until they are pointed out.

And you are left alone wondering how the hell you became the person so afraid. Afraid of the truth. The tricky highway of the lies you have told.

I have been feeling very alone. People avoid me. I am the "oh shit, that could happen to me" girl.

Nobody wants to talk to me. Less than a handful of people have even asked me if i am okay. Less have offered help. I sit alone with my kids. My sick kids. The simple things. I have no tylenol. Parker is burning up with fever and i can't just run out and get tylenol. I have to make choices. Pack them all up to go to the store. Hope that the fever passes. Call shane for medicine. But he doesn't want to see me. Too painful for him. Choices left to haunt me.

It is my birthday in a few days. I will be working. I will be alone. Holiday number 2.

Children tend to process things quickly. Wearing their hearts on there sleeve so to speak. My kids were instantly sad, angry, confused when they found out about the split in my marriage. Over the past five weeks they have continued to process and let me know exactly how they are feeling. Be it telling me directly or kicking me in the shin repeatedly.

I have been doing a lot of reaqding on children and divorce. I think, the key here being the "i think", that kids are resilient and can handle much more than we give them credit for. Including divorce. What they can't handle is when we, their parents, don't handle the situation well. How i talk about and process this divorce is key to my children processing it in a positive way.

It's okay for me to be sad or angry. It's okay for me to talk to them about it.

Retreating to bed. Angry outbursts. All the self-centred hokey-pokey that i may be inclined to do is not okay.

I think i am doing these things. The positive things. For me, the key to letting go and moving on, is helping my children to do the same.

The long weekend is almost over. Thanksgiving continues it's two day celebration. I have done two services of turkey at two different restaurants. Today i will do one more.

Smiling, chatting. Families celebrating and giving thanks. Eating massive plates of turkey and gravy and stuffing. Feeling generous.

I always tell my customers about my children. Chat about school and activities. Plying them with wine and cider.

I was invited out twice this weekend. I couldn't go. Partly because of this rotten cold i've been hanging on to. But mostly because my social anxiety is strangling me a little.

I'm used to having someone by my side. A child. A husband. Someone to take the spotlight off of me. I am not ready to be the only. To be pitied. To take sympathy. To talk about myself.

Instead i have been retreating to my condo. Sleeping. Thinking. Reflecting.

I'm not sure how i am going to be able to make friends. Be a friend. In this new way. It will come.

Each morning i wake up and sit on the balcony with a cup of coffee. The weather has continued it's humdrum westcoast drizzle. The lake has a low fog hanging over it in the morning. Rain drizzles on my legs.

It reminds me of home. My home. Here on the westcoast. Growing up here you learn to love the rain. The fall is colourful. The rich autumn leaves brightening the grey skies. The smell of wetness and leaves falling in a mildewy pile.

I remember walking to school as a child. Wet and cold in the morning. Sitting in wet socks in class. Shoes drying in the cloakroom. Waiting to get wet again at recess. And often, the skies opening in the afternoon to brief moments of sunshine. Raincoats thrown astray in the playground as we embraced the warm sun. And were dry for a few brief hours till the clouds returned in the evening.

There are two herons who visit the dock outside my condo every morning. I iamgine them as husband and wife. Sometimes they squabble. One flies away briefly, angrily chirping, through the mist. But, he always returns. She waits patiently. Diving for the occassional trout. Then they sit side by side. Enjoying each other. Waiting for the fog to lift. Flying off together.

The week has been up and down. Separation agreement delivered to me. Most of me just wants to sign it and be done, but the logical part of me knows this is important. I need to stand up for myself. Not let my guilt and anxiety take control.

The kids are doing well. Parker has been by my side. Constantly offering up kisses and hugs. He's changed his threats from "i'm going to hit you..." to "i'm going to give you (holds up all his little fingers) this many kisses and hugs."

They are adjusting to the different houses and out of school care. Eagerly discussing halloween costumes and which house to trick or treat at. I will be moving into my new house on the 30th.

My family has come through for me in amazing moments of support and the promise of a van full of furniture on the 30th.

I feel very lucky.

I will never know if this decision is the right one. It's just a different path. One i never thought i'd take.

The kids will be with shane and his family for thanksgiving this weekend. I will be working. Working will make it easier to get through this first holiday as separate families.

I will be thankful for families and children. Beautiful children who make everything a little better.

It's been hard.

I've had better days.

I feel very alone. Circumstances outside of my control. The breakdown of a marriage. The breakdown of a community. Sides have been decided.

I find myself on the losing end. Walking lonely and overwhelmed through the schoolyard.

Wishing i had family. I had support. I had the village.

Instead, i have the condo. An island unto myself.

The crazy work hours. Trying to keep it all together. Missing the kids. Missing the family bed.

This morning i found myself in tears at the school. Nobody to cry too.

Nobody to blame but myself.