i wish you were still mine

The thing about all of this, this seperation, is that it makes me lonely for what i used to have. The things that the years have taken from me.

I miss the man i married. I miss my youth. I miss life without kids.

When the kids are with their dad i know they are in good hands. I don't worry about them. Hard as it is to say, i don't miss them. I am enjoying the time alone. The time to think. To be with myself. It's like a first date. What are my hopes. What are my dreams. What kind of music do i like. What are my hobbies.

The condo i have rented is in a resort. On the lake. There is a private beach, a swimming pool, golf. They call this place the divorce resort. This is where everyone goes when they are in the midst of marital strife. It's easy. Walk in to furniture, dishes, even towels.

Each morning i wake up and watch the fog lift over the lake, the sun struggle it's way out. I am struck by the beauty of my hometown.

People canoeing over to the local lakeside restaurant for breakfast.

I like who i am. I like being free from depression and anxiety. I like feeling like a normal person. I like the weekends working crazy lunches at the bistro. Coming home to count my tips. Sitting around in my underwear. Listening to music.

I don't like the thinking. Thinking about my marriage. Forced to make a choice. Never knowing the right thing to say. Afraid of more confrontation. Afraid of the fighting. The sadness. The burden i have placed on my husband. His deep sadness. Still loving. But ready to let go. Accepting the thought that i may be alone forever. Yet, somehow, at peace with that.

Posted by Jess at 07:53 AM Permalink

Comments (9)

Deanna

I think it's great that you can admit that you miss life without kids sometimes. That doesn't mean you don't love and cherish them, but I think a lot of women would be better off if they could admit more readily that having kids is the burden that it really must be.

Glad to hear you're happy right now. Alone can be lonely; but alone can be very peaceful and healing as well.

Posted by Deanna | September 22, 2007 10:21 PM

wookie

It sounds like the solitude might be a place of healing for you, right now.
have you considered making the seperation a timed thing, a "Give me 9 months/1 year/X fixed time" to be apart, then lets look at who we are, what we want for ourselves, each other and our children, and work towards that?
I'm just yammering, having not been in your shoes, does it sound like it might be helpful?

Posted by wookie | September 23, 2007 06:14 AM

nailgirl

CHIN UP!

Posted by nailgirl | September 23, 2007 09:15 AM

Mocha

So what do you wish was still yours? That life? Because you were so sad and miserable there.

Not pushing, Jess. Just wondering. And hopeful for you.

Posted by Mocha | September 23, 2007 09:26 AM

daisy

Please don't throw your marriage away. That man you married and that woman he married is still there, you just need to take the time to find each other again. I realize that there are situations that call for a separation like abuse etc. but most marriages could be fixed. I will admit I do NOT know your story, but I pray for you and your hubby.
.... "What God has joined together let no-one come between and try to put asunder lovers building their dreams, the light that shines forever is now burning in our hearts,what God has joined together, let no-one ever part." _paul overstreet

Posted by daisy | September 23, 2007 10:23 AM

marian

Single parenting is hard, no doubt about it, but there's a certain clarity to being alone that helps you stay afloat. Give it time, don't make any decisions yet. Let the dust settle and let yourself enjoy this period. Try to be honest about what you really, truly feel (as opposed to what you think you should feel) and let the rest go -- you'll know what to do.

Posted by marian | September 24, 2007 04:37 AM

jennifer

you are one of my favorite people.

Posted by jennifer | September 24, 2007 09:17 AM

Elizabeth

I hate to say it, but it makes me happy reading that you are content. I wish that separating from your husband wasn't the catalyst for that, but the fact that you don't mind being alone is a miracle. I agree with Jennifer, you are good people :)

Posted by Elizabeth | September 29, 2007 10:42 AM

Victoria

You know, it's insane reading your blogs. I just can't seem to stop at the moment. Of course, I must, being an at home mom I have shit to do. I just wanted to share this with you. I am still married, but the hell I went through for the past decade left me feeling much the way you write your feelings. I didn't think to blog during all of that...I wish I would have now. I did write though. Poems mostly. Just as you've put the pieces together so beautifully here, I'm working on putting the poetry into a book. It would be a wonderful thing to have something come from the pain. You know?

Posted by Victoria | November 27, 2007 06:54 AM