i should have known better than to build a straw house

oh jess. i know you will make the right decision ... just make the decision for yourself and you will be able to move forward which ever direction that is. xoxoxo

I agree with Beth. I dont have any lighting quick answers. Just foloow your heart and be true to yourself. Take care of you.

I know it feels good sometimes, but when making life changing decisions, especially when your ups and downs are so fragile, stay away from the booze.

Jess, I am going through some personal transtion myself, and it has helped me to read these couple of books: "Composing a Life" - it is written by an athropologist who points out how important it is for us women to learn that transitions are part of a succesfull life and "A Three Dog Life", by Abigail Thomas, who IMHO touches the same issue through her personal life-story. Keep in mind that transitions are part of who we are, and that not knowing what comes next is the norm rather than the exception (and what a relief this discovery was to me).

There have been three occasions when I wanted to end my marriage. So certain I had made the wrong decision that to do so was the only right one I'd have made in a long long time.
My shrink said play out the scenario to the very end. To how life will be as a single parent. To how life will be without my husband as my husband. All of it - kids birthdays, weddings and so on.
How I'd feel when he remarried or had a series of girlfriends.
And so on and so on.
Somehow that took the edge off it all and I knew that ending the marriage was in fact the wrong decision and I had to go back to remembering what it was that had drawn me to him in the first place, what I had loved so deeply I had said those vows and had children with him.
For me there was also a who program of mental health improvements to be made as well.

That is just my small story. Take from it what you will. It might have no resonance or it might shine a light on the situation otherwise not explored. It's just something...

ah, that would be a whole program, as opposed to a who program...

kim - thanks for sharing your small story. i think many of us have been right there. jess - hang in there.

I have had to play it out to the logical conclusion myself. Maybe you might consider what life would be like un-married. I come from a divorced family. It was not fun as the child.

Terra, I came from a divorced family too. My mother would sometimes lament her decision to end her marriage because if we had two parents/incomes we would be far more financially secure and she would have been able to offer us more. But I always assured her that I would rather give up vacations to Disneyland and new cars in exchange for a happy home without screaming parents.

I wholeheartedly disagree with 'staying together for the children'. We model 'normal' relationships for our children and those who grow up with parents with unhappy marriages are far more likely to accept the same for themselves.

(Disclaimer: this is a gerneral statement and nothing specifically to do with Jess and Shane because I don't know the details of their lives, nor is it any of my business)

I'm going to agree with Kim. Staying together for the kids is, in most cases, not a good idea. Kids pick up on too much that is unsaid for that to be healthy.

If you decided to stay, stay because you want to for you. If you decide to leave, leave because you want to for you. This is YOUR decision. Try to keep it that way.

People change all the time. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, I doubt you are either.
People rarely change, however, out of guilt.

Oh man did this hit home. Same place, same decision to make. I cried all day after we decided to split. Sooo many doubts. There is no way to know if it's the right decision, that's the part that sucks. The kids and the guilt. What if you totally screw them up! We decided to try and work it out. I have to know for myself that I gave it everything I had. You're in my thoughts!

I like the idea of thinking it through to the end. I'm madly in love with my husband, but there have been times when I have been madly wanting to dash in the other direction as fast as possible.

I'm pretty darn sure both of us changed, though I can't pinpoint how, when and where. It just happened.

My experience is that people do change -- quite a bit. And often for the better. But not, as wookie says, out of guilt.

I left my first marriage but managed to remain friends and to coparent with very little conflict. If you both want to put the kids first, it can work. It's not easy, but maybe easier than staying in an unhappy marriage. Only you know!

Jess, I don't have the magical answers even though I wish I did. I'd love to find the right words to say, or the right thing to do.

I do think that if you and Shane still love each other and want to sort through your problems, then counseling might be the way to go. Please don't be mad that I say this. Hell, I probably know nothing anyway.

My friend and her husband have been in counseling for 2 years. This is what they need get through the built up walls.

I do wish you the best. -hugs-

Jess, I don't know you, but I think I understand part of what you are feeling. I've been married for 17 years and we have two teen aged kids. Most of our years have been very happy, but sometimes I think that I'm changing in ways he's not and I question our long-term happiness. He deserves someone who is madly in love with him and not someone who stays because it is easier.

That said, I also think that we are pretty happy together overall and that over the course of the years, people just go through rough spots, either because of how they are changing or because of outside conflicts.

What if you considered how you guys might be best for the next 6-12 months, either together or apart. Don't make it a forever decision just yet, just get through a period of time when you can try out life apart for a bit. Wear it for a while, see how it fits. That way you haven't done something that seems irreversible, it's just a change for a while.

I don't know...does that make sense? I think we sometimes force ourselves to make these huge decisions when we really only need to make smaller, incremental ones.

Either way, hang in there. Be good to yourself.