constant the calls came

I thought writing about depression, hospitals and suicide attempts was hard.

That was nothing. Nothing compared to this.

The real emotional toll and burden.

My marriage is over. It was over a long time ago. All of these days, weeks, months have been deliberate steps that i have taken to end the marriage. I never intended to cause so much pain.

But. I have been in pain for so long. I have cried so many tears over the years. And now. Now, i have no tears left. My heart has turned to stone.

For now.

I am focused on the kids. Making this as easy as possible for them. The things that i have put my family through this year. I am ashamed. I hope.

I hope that, in the end, as we walk these steps i have made some choices which were right. That in the end they will think i was a good mother. They will remember the hours and hours i spent playing at the school. The driving back and forth. The snuuggle times in my bed. The sleepovers in my room.

Not that i was the one who left the house. I was the one who ended the family.

Posted by Jess at 11:26 PM Permalink

Comments (7)

jenijen

your family isn't ended. and they already do know that you are a good mother -- it's not just something they're going to realize when they're grown.

divorce sucks for everyone involved. there is no getting around that. things will get better, though. they will.

Posted by jenijen | September 26, 2007 12:12 AM

marian

From my experience it will take a while for them to understand your motivations, and you can't force it by explaining your point of view. You seem to understand that already, so you're ahead of the game...

Eventually there will come a day when one or the other of them will look at you and in their eyes you will see that now they understand. I experienced that with my 20-year-old son this summer. Like most things in life, it seems to come when you've forgotten that you ever wanted it. It doesn't make anything less sad, but it makes you feel less guilty.

Like jenijen says -- things will get better. Focusing on the kids right now will be healing for everyone. xoxoxo

Posted by marian | September 26, 2007 04:53 AM

Jan

Good for you- focusing on the kids. Peace and Hope.

Posted by Jan | September 26, 2007 07:02 AM

Kristin

I've been quietly following your story since I met you over sushi at BlogHer. I remember the pain in your eyes there.

I have been through this, or something like it, and I wish you strength and peace and the knowledge that you are resilient.

Posted by Kristin | September 26, 2007 04:02 PM

OMSH

I don't know what to say. I don't "really" know you, so trying to find the right words is probably silly.

I just wanted to support you.
I'm sad it had to end, but again... just wanted to support.

Posted by OMSH | September 26, 2007 11:29 PM

Elizabeth

I'm so sorry, Jess. My belief is that what children need is parents who love them, and you do. Please take good care of yourself now.

Posted by Elizabeth | September 27, 2007 02:31 PM

marie

Trust me, you are doing what is best for you and your children. You are not a failure...people enter relationships with the best of intetntions. Both you and your husband entered your marriage that way. You grew appart and that is nobody's fault. I commend both of you for trying to make a diffucult situation as easy on your children as you are able. It shows a great deal of maturity in you both that is admirable. Hang in there...I underestand what you are going through because I have been there myself. Trust me...things will get better. You are stronger than you know.

Posted by marie | September 27, 2007 06:44 PM