I have been clunking away on my ten year old laptop. No flickr, no twitter, no iphoto or itunes. It's been tough. All my coping mechanisms gone. I have ordered a new macbook pro and am eagerly awaiting it's arrival.

I rented a house today. Damage deposits paid. Wood ordered for wood stoves. Furniture to beg, borrow or steal.

A new life to begin.

I have taken a second on-call serving job at a local fine dining establishment as well as being a teacher's assistant at the school part time.

Things are coming together.

And falling apart.

The kids are doing well. I am worried about them. I will do my best. I wake up each morning and think that i am going to make it the best damn day possible for them. I wake up in the middle of the night to find them all in my bed with me. We sleep soundly. Happily together in sadness and fun.

I miss the dogs and the kitty.

I thought writing about depression, hospitals and suicide attempts was hard.

That was nothing. Nothing compared to this.

The real emotional toll and burden.

My marriage is over. It was over a long time ago. All of these days, weeks, months have been deliberate steps that i have taken to end the marriage. I never intended to cause so much pain.

But. I have been in pain for so long. I have cried so many tears over the years. And now. Now, i have no tears left. My heart has turned to stone.

For now.

I am focused on the kids. Making this as easy as possible for them. The things that i have put my family through this year. I am ashamed. I hope.

I hope that, in the end, as we walk these steps i have made some choices which were right. That in the end they will think i was a good mother. They will remember the hours and hours i spent playing at the school. The driving back and forth. The snuuggle times in my bed. The sleepovers in my room.

Not that i was the one who left the house. I was the one who ended the family.

The final guest post, by my husband, in poetry

sept 17th, 2007

you told me the day
i began losing you
was when our youngest son was born

sept 17th, 2003, today

i don't remember it, you said
i read the paper, went to work later that day &

your heart started the s l o w
unconscious process of
leaving

i understand how it happens
the little hard things we do to each other
(i'm thoughtful, in that way)

i can see it now, in reverse
the sequence of events that lead to
the inevitable
wreckage

the tragic, untimely
death
of us

& all so unnecessary, so much harder
than the birth

as if since we've run a degree out of parallel, ever so slightly
off course, uncharted, away;hearts
split, so
gradually, you don't notice, until the two
are this

apart,

that it seems improbable to find the way
back again

~shane

The thing about all of this, this seperation, is that it makes me lonely for what i used to have. The things that the years have taken from me.

I miss the man i married. I miss my youth. I miss life without kids.

When the kids are with their dad i know they are in good hands. I don't worry about them. Hard as it is to say, i don't miss them. I am enjoying the time alone. The time to think. To be with myself. It's like a first date. What are my hopes. What are my dreams. What kind of music do i like. What are my hobbies.

The condo i have rented is in a resort. On the lake. There is a private beach, a swimming pool, golf. They call this place the divorce resort. This is where everyone goes when they are in the midst of marital strife. It's easy. Walk in to furniture, dishes, even towels.

Each morning i wake up and watch the fog lift over the lake, the sun struggle it's way out. I am struck by the beauty of my hometown.

People canoeing over to the local lakeside restaurant for breakfast.

I like who i am. I like being free from depression and anxiety. I like feeling like a normal person. I like the weekends working crazy lunches at the bistro. Coming home to count my tips. Sitting around in my underwear. Listening to music.

I don't like the thinking. Thinking about my marriage. Forced to make a choice. Never knowing the right thing to say. Afraid of more confrontation. Afraid of the fighting. The sadness. The burden i have placed on my husband. His deep sadness. Still loving. But ready to let go. Accepting the thought that i may be alone forever. Yet, somehow, at peace with that.

Life it still goes on. The reality of single parenting is setting in. The craziness, the busy days, the lonely nights. The sadness.

The confusion.

Shane goes from one mood to another from morning to night. One evening he tells me it's over. We drink a bottle of wine and make toasts to the end of a marriage. The end of a life together.

I spend the next day immensely sad. Grieving the loss of a life i could have had. Feeling the slightest bit relieved. Finally a decision.

Then the next night he wants to work it out. Promising a wonderful life together. Together as a family.

I am torn. Hurt. Confused. Asked to make a decision that is impossible. How can you make that kind of choice. The burden of never knowing if the choice was the right one. Knowing that that decision will change the life paths of my four children, my husband and myself.

Knowing how hard it is to change. Knowing that people very rarely change.

Life it goes on. It really does.

When you are a parent, a mother, you have to march on. Keep on being the best mother you can be. Remember that your problems are not your childrens. They just need to be loved. Loved without question and despite circumstances.

I am loving my children. More than ever. We are enjoying all of our moments together. I have slowed right down. Living in each moment with them. Truly revelling in these little wonders i have created. Celebrating being their mother, having children who show me that life is good. That together we can be happy, we can do anything.

Being alone is hard. All the thinking. All the questions. What do i really want. Who am i. How did i get to this point. Is this what i want.

I am working through the weekend. The kids are with their father. I am centered. My brain is functioning at a perfect balance of happy/sad. Thoughtful. Not manic.

Before we go any further i need to tell you. I need to tell you that any blame or fault should be placed on me. The failure of the marriage was my fault. Is my fault. I saw it coming and didn't try to stop it.

My husband is an excellent man. He has his faults. We all do. We just lost each other in the crazy shuffle.

I appreciate, very much, all the kind words and support. I am not here for pity. I never have been and , honestly, i don't want it. I want a place where i can talk about my life. It has been a struggle to maintain this site as that. As family and friends have begun to find it i have felt inwardly and outwardly judged. Feeling the need to hide some things.

I'm not going to do that anymore.

I am going to ask you that if you are related to me by blood or marriage i would like you not to read anymore.

The kids are doing well. Well as can be expected. We are living in a condo on the lake. It is beautiful and peaceful and fun. All the things they need right now to process their feelings and emotions.

Parker, toby and eliza are reacting in a purely emotive way. Mood swings and neediness. We are taking everything moment by moment and small conversations.

Tristan is having a harder time. More sad. Real understanding. She is sleeping with me and we are having long conversations, pillow to pillow.

It will take time, but i will make everything okay.

hello friends,

i have been without internet access for five days.

i am newly separated. single mother. new home.

kids with me now, until friday.

i will not talk about the status of my marriage. save for today.

just an update. more soon.

jess
xx

I am feeling much better. More grounded. Thoughts are still swirling in my head, but i realized that they are there because i have so many things going on. Pulled in so many directions.

The other night in the midst of panicing that i was getting very manic i forgot to stop and listen to my body. Which, contrary to my belief, was not all that manic, but in the middle of a several day long anxiety attack.

School has begun with a joyous gusto. The kids are happy and i am happy to walk in the school and enjoy the fruits of my labour. All my hard work as president is showing. Things are running as they should - all the little kinks ironed out.

The sun came out again this afternoon so we rushed to the lake as we are always anticipating the last swimming day as autumn approaches. We were the only ones on the beach. Our favourite beach - not private, but secret, for locals only. I sat and listened to my ipod as the kids laughed and ran like carefree kids. It was a magical afternoon.

Another day to be thankful for. I will be thankful for this day. Always. A chance to stop for a few hours and calmly enjoy my children. The waterfalls built in the sand, toby finally confident in his swimming, eliza writing words in the sand - so proud of her emergent reader status, parker reading a book quietly on his blanket and tristan laughing and giggling with her best friend - still a child.

Dear ingrid internet,

Do you remember when i used to call you that? Trying to make this wide space home.

I have been having troubles for over a year now. I have tried to kill myself twice.

I have looked in the glowing eyes of my children and found religion.

I have loved my children.

I have lost myself.

I have not loved myself.

I am trying to do that now.

I am trying to be better to myself. I know i am good to everyone else. But i left myself hitchhiking on the trans-canada months ago.

And now i will pick myself up. I will make changes. I will be better to myself. In exchange the world might be better to me.

The kids start school in the morning and their excitement is contagious. The "i can't sleep" blues. The anticipation. I remember it. We will pack lunches together in the morning. Sleepy and red eyed. Unused to the early morning hours that we have spent the last two months quietly sleeping through. Life will return to a scheduled normal. We will leave the wistful lake days behind for another year.

Goodbye summer 2007 and your crappy weather.

jess
xx