there is blood in the thread and it rakes at my heart

I understand that you probably feel like he is always up your ass, but he is just worried. Hugs.

He does care. He probably also just doesn't understand how your brain works, and all he knows to do is watch and be worried. Which... doesn't make it easy for you, or me in my life, knowing that we're no longer allowed any space, knowing that even the minor mistakes are going to be visible now because we're being watched so closely. I know. I wish I knew how to change it and make them back off and trust again. Time, I imagine, is the only solution.

I agree that it'll take time, and probably a lot of it. I've been on the other end somewhat; your husband's end and I know what he's feeling. He's feeling that he has no control, and as much as he may think that he knows how you are, he doesn't really know. And never really will. So, try to understand how hard it is to be on the other side of this, and hopefully he can understand it from your point of view too. As much as that is possible, I guess.
I'm thinking about y'all and hoping that it gets easier.

I never attempted suicide. That said, I did get so deep into my misery that the days rolled by without a shower or a change of clothes, until my husband made me an appointment with a therapist and said "This is where you are going". It may have saved my life.

I finally had an epiphany one night. You know that feeling you have with a newborn - that they're fragile? That if you look away for a second, they might just stop breathing? So you sit, and you watch them sleep, and you wake up five times an hour to check and make sure they're still breathing. Even though you know it's silly, even though you know the watching will make no difference.

I think it's like that for them - the men in our lives. They know we're fragile. It's not about us, it's about them. They have to look for their own peace of mind - to make sure we don't stop breathing in the night.

All you can do to help him is allow him his need. He needs to know you're okay. He needs to watch the breathing. Not for your sake - for his own. Be gentle with him.

What's normal, eh? As the mom of a 6yo girl with a mood disorder, normal is what *is*, not what we want it to be. I struggle with this almost daily. "Maybe she's normal now," "things are so nice when they're normal." Bottom line, however, is instead of hoping she becomes "normal" and our lives become "normal" I need to learn to love her and my life AS SHE IS and AS IT IS and make the best of it. My biggest help? It's having faith in God and His divine plan and Love for all of us. That faith colors my world with hope and peace and the hope of peace when I have none. Consider talking to a priest about your suffering.

Yes....that feeling of being watched never ceases to destroy the moment. Your self confidence, your pride, your belief in yourself and your capabilities.

Not only are you a good mother...you are a great mother. Your kids are happy and healthy and magnificent.

I hope that Shane realizes that he needs to be able to put a bit more faith in you, because unfortunately, you can't heal when you feel as though you are constantly being watched to see when you will fail.

I know that he loves you, that he is concerned, and how much that must drive you absolutely nuts.

I have been out of hospital for 4 months now, and things haven't changed much....people still check up on me all the time. I guess that they always will. I appreciate that they love me...but you know how it is.

Keep taking those camping trips, go swimming....enjoy whats left of summer. Prove to him that things are at least somewhat better, that you are indeed capable (and you absolutely are)and try to be patient with him and you.

Wish I had some better words for you...but honestly, I don't know when it gets better, or even if. I don't know if it will ever be "normal" again. But maybe there is a new version of normal that you have to find.

Hang in there Jess, and keep fighting for all you're worth.

Hugs,
Jess

I can't begin to understand how that might feel. I can imagine it is akin to being smothered. I hate feeling smothered.

I imagine his fear is keeping him from being able to fully trust. His fear and his love for you.

There is a lot of healing ahead. I'm so sorry it isn't coming as fast as you need and want it to come I imagine he's in need of healing too. Maybe he needs to see someone about his own fears.

Ahhh, the watching has begun. I watch my sister, to see if she has been drinking; I watch my kids to see if they have started to drink; I watch myself to see if I am an addict. Men are solvers and damn if they are not going to save the world while they save you. Tell him your thoughts. While you appreciate his need to watch, you need space to be healthy. He will have to trust you...he has nothing else.

Peace

I'm so sorry that he doesn't trust you. Is there a possible compromise? A way for each of you to respect what the other is needing right now?

I haven't been at either end but I don't feel it's fair to dismiss either of your feelings on the situation. Yes, you need space and to feel confident in yourself and yes, he needs to know/see/feel that you're OK and learn to be confident in you again.

Instead of hovering, can he let you come to him? When you come home, find him and let him know you're OK? It gives you a chance to get in the house and orient yourself first and it gives him the faith that you're THERE.

I know I don't comment much lately, but I'm thinking of you.

*smooch*

BTW, loved the MBV lyric title the other day, haven't listened to them in ages -you inspired me to dig out my CDs & enjoy them again -thank you! :)

Hello,

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I believe we all want to be ourselves w/out judgment, but alas, in this imperfect world it is not meant to be. I find your writing intense and beautiful, so I must assume the writer is these things as well. Hoping you find a way back to normal.