Here we go.

Friends. I am going crazy again. In a different way than i have shared with you before.

not sad. Crazy. Manic. i feel crazy.

Jittery. Unable to control my hands. My mind. Five panic attacks in two days.

I am going to be brief.

My mind knows what is happening. It is painful. Watching myself. Slipping away.

I will see my psychiatrist next week.

You would think that this would be fun. But it is a bigger trainwreck than depression, which is slow and haunting.

This is fast and furious.

I am taking a week away to take care of some personal stuff. Stay focused.

In the meantime please check out a new project that leah and i have been working on. I am very excited about it.

Introducing:

RealMental!

I'm exhausted. From mind numbness to full body fatigue.

I have been working very hard on so many, very different, things. Waitressing, working the tasting bar (fun, fun, fun - chatting up people as you feed them free booze), writing, writing, writing, getting ready for school, hanging out at the beach...

Tomorrow i am working a wedding that has ordered enough wine, beer and cider for every guest to have a litre. Before that i am taking the kids to the annual country fair in our little town where we will ride in the bicycle parade, have cookies and photos judged, and enter doodle the schnoodle in the doggy competition. We are all a little sad that we have no chickens to enter this year.

All of these distractions are good. A busy mind and body has no time to be idle and sad.

I am preparing for some large and small changes in my life. I am getting ready to wind down for the long, dark winter.

Every night i send parker, eliza and toby to bed several hours before their actual bedtime. They spend this time playing games.

This is how it started tonight:

This questioning, this self-doubt. It has to stop. I fell asleep in the school tonight. After a meeting. I was just so tired. The unreasonable part of me thought "i'll just have a little rest on this couch, and then i will write! I will write the great american novel. I will write the best damn book proposal anyone has ever seen. I will be great. But, i am so tired. I will close my eyes just for a moment. A wee moment as my grandpa used to say."

And then. Shit! It's 12:30 and i just slept for two hours on the couch in an elementary school. No writing was done. I drove home in a panic. Expecting my poor worried husband to be sitting up for me. But, i guess i have worn him out too.

I am on this winding road, similar to the one we drive to campsites, wondering, wandering. Lost in my mental state.

I am going to swear tonight. Just so you know. If you are sensitive, go somewhere else NOW!

Fucking hell.

I knew it was coming. I knew when i walked in the door, every single night, and my husband was waiting nervously for me.

No matter how many times i called, or said, "don't worry" or "go to bed" he is always there.

He says it's because he cares. But, really, the feeling is exactly the same as when i was a teenager. YOU ARE BEING WATCHED. Don't fuck up jess.

But, the thing is i'm not a kid, i'm a grown woman. I have four children who i've birthed and (am) raising. I am a good mother, not perfect but that doesn't exist.

I have made some major mistakes, but not too many minor ones.

I hate my life happy as much as i did sad. I wish it would all just be normal again. But, how can it be normal when you live with me?

But. But! All i want is normal. I want to be me without judgment. I want to be free from my suicide attempt. I know it's too soon. But, i can't get better without some space.

I have a giant cold sore on my mouth. Again. My outward sign of stress, or perhaps too much kissing.

The latter would be much better. The stress of being well, of working so hard to hike up my britches and continue on is difficult.

"It's been a month. Shouldn't she be all better by now? Yes! Let's stop asking how she's doing and embrace the standard 'everything is great' standard response."

It's not that everything isn't great. It is moderately good. That is better than it has been in a long time. The thing about school on the horizon is that it forced you to embrace every single minute of summer there is left, despite whatever crappy weather is thrown your way.

I am working friday through sunday, two weddings! Yippee. Then on monday i'm taking the kids camping all by myself. I can hardly wait.

My very favourite picture of me from BlogHer. I love me some sarcastic journalist. SJ and i were "internet friends" before the conference. She helped me to ban my entire flesh and blood from this website, i offered her advice on how to properly squirt breastmilk into your toddlers' eyes (gets rid of pink eye y'all), she gave me some internet love when i needed it. But, up close and in person? She was fabulous. Honest. Open. Told me i couldn't come to her party unless i stopped drinking gin and tonics. (I didn't go - couldn't face the SJ chastisement.) She was, well, nice.

I am pulled in many directions tonight. Excited about a new project with a new friend. Gearing up for school.

It's really not just the kids that go back to school, but me too. I had a meeting at the school today, when i left with a huge list of things to do, i realized that summer really was almost over. That i have taken on way too many things. But, that it will all work out. This is what i need. A full life.

Now. Now i need to prepare for speech therapy and meetings with therapists and academic delays and learning disabilities and all the things about my Toby that i can put away for the summer. Just let him be.

A beautiful day. Finally the sun was out. Perhaps just for a day. Whatever global warming is creating monster temperatures elsewhere has left my little westcoast basked in rain and abnormally low temperatures. It's like the warm-up for the long, dark winter.

The kids are getting ready for the beginning of school in three short weeks. It boggles my mind to think the summer is almost over, when really it has only just begun. In another in a long series of things that i feel bad about in this summer of 2007 i always worry that i don't do enough for the kids. Not enough fun.

I am not ready to get back into schedules. Early mornings. Packing lunches. The constant headache from lack of sleep. Being the president of the school.

I would homeschool if it didn't involve the schooling part, just the summer vacation all the time.

Little to nothing to say today. In a flux. A state of being better, but not really sure how that looks. Still unsure about the future. Taking every step cautiously. Wrapping my heart in a pillow, lest i fall. Hoping for some extended relief from the burden of pain. New friends and new projects underway. Continuing to make changes. To make my life better.

Planning the very late birthday party/slumber fest for my oldest daughter. Wanting to make it perfect for her. Realizing that more and more i am losing all control of her life. Unable to filter and shelter her as much as i used to. Knowing the difficult days are coming for her. That she is becoming a preteen.

I know it seems strange. The lifting of the fog. The sudden change.

I am trying to embrace it. This happiness, things going right. I am trying to believe i deserve this. That this is real.

The thing is when you have bi-polar disorder or something like it. When you are so closely watched. When you are introspective and self-aware. You find yourself laying awake at night terrified that this is not better, this is a manic episode, or hypo-manic. Something bad is still happening.

I am not really happy, i am still crazy. Just at the opposite end of the spectrum.

Happiness can't be just happiness and sadness will never be just sadness. That shadow of doubt will constantly hang over me.

Camping was wonderful. A brief interlude. A beautiful place.

My friend and i had many long conversations by the campfire, worked pioneer woman style through the day. Cooking on an open fire, washing dishes barefoot in the surf, feeding the kids and sending them to play. To find adventures. To build driftwood forts and barter crab shells and eagle feathers.

I forgot about my worries. Feeling them slowly drift away over the two hour drive. My friend taught me to stand in the surf. Let the waves bring in all your hopes and dreams washing them over dirty toes and carry out all the bad stuff. Gone, out to sea.

I returned home to a new job. My first job in ten years. A waitress at a local winery bistro. I worked exhausting and exhilarating ten hour shifts. Working a wedding in the orchard and reception by the trout pond. People so happy, so in love.

I came home late in the night. Bright eyed and alive. Happy to be doing something for me. Something so simple. Something so easy. How could it make me so happy. I wish i had done this years ago.

I am off camping for a few days on the very southern tip of the west coast. A place where there is sand for miles, surf and open ocean all the way to japan.

The kids and i are going with my friend and her two kids. A mom and kid trip. I am looking forward to being away with them. Watching them bounce and run. Enjoy themselves. Filled to the brim with s'mores and friendship. Late nights around the campfire.

xx
jess

Stop asking me. I will not do a linky love post about blogher.

I have social anxiety. I simply cannot stand the thought of leaving someone out or being left out.

You know i love you.

It is strange.

Strange again. Being home after such a crazy weekend.

I have been tired. Sleeping. Waking. Looking at the pile of business cards on my chair. Seeing my photo on flickr. I used to be photogenic. Before i became self-aware. Unsure. Now i see a camera and i am unsure. Unsure of everything. Me caught in time.

Life is holding promise. I am happy to feel happy.

I am unsure of my bend towards self-destruction. Where my life may lead me.

Normally i don't pay attention to the google searches that bring people here, but for lack of mental energy here is august 1:

how to get rid of red ants from sandbox

Place a cup of honey a few feet away. Or, perhaps, be at one with nature.

my rooster is sneezing

Some homemade chicken soup should cure that.

life is not hard-people are just stupid

Why thank-you.

im in love with a younger man i met in turkey

You go girl.

where is the milky way tonight?

Is it missing? Tell me if you find it.

black tablecloth

I probably wouldn't recommend that unless, of course, you have silver goblets.

fast sexy wild girls empty nest

Give me a few years.