i have my two hands

I did it. And you know what? I do feel proud of myself. Leah asked me if i felt brave. At the time i didn't. I was stuck in this surreal, out-of-body feeling. The feeling of being trapped in another city, thousands of miles from my family.

Today i feel brave. I am less ashamed of the things i have done.

When you leave your children, even just for a few days; they change. They are in such a constant state of growth, whether it be physically or mentally. In five days they change. In small ways. Ways only a mother could see.

When i walked out of the gates at the victoria airport at midnight last night i was exhausted. Seeing them. So big. So happy. Yelling "mommy!" I felt very brave. And proud.

Proud that i am teaching that it's okay to do things that scare you. To trust that the world is a wonderful place filled with many wonderful people. That you can trust in strangers. That sometimes. Sometimes it's okay to do the things that terrify you just to say that you did it.

Nobody in my family wanted me to go to chicago. I almost turned around at the airport.

But. I went.

I wasn't very social. I did my best. I talked and hugged and clung on to things and people that made it a little easier.

I got this email today. It made me very happy:

usually, i'm in my own little world, oblivious of all the blogs out there via the black hole of the internet and truly am not looking to be a supernova.

however, i do notice people. i noticed you quite a few times, standing alone, having a cigarette or walking off to the side to be by yourself. i always smiled, because that's what i do when feeling awkward. i had no clue about your history before coming to the conference and always wanted to come up and say hi, but i didn't. mostly because, i just felt unsure. mostly of myself.

i just wanted you to know, there are other people out there who empathize with your life. i'm one of them. there is really no need to go into a long, diagramming dissertation of why, but just know, i wanted to meet you and i'm truly sorry, i didn't.

a very sincere, good luck with your progress.

And so after the dust settles. People have made their complaints. Petty battles have been waged. I will still have a wonderful memory of the bravest thing i ever did.

Thank you BlogHer and everybody even if it cost me six cold sores.