I did it. And you know what? I do feel proud of myself. Leah asked me if i felt brave. At the time i didn't. I was stuck in this surreal, out-of-body feeling. The feeling of being trapped in another city, thousands of miles from my family.

Today i feel brave. I am less ashamed of the things i have done.

When you leave your children, even just for a few days; they change. They are in such a constant state of growth, whether it be physically or mentally. In five days they change. In small ways. Ways only a mother could see.

When i walked out of the gates at the victoria airport at midnight last night i was exhausted. Seeing them. So big. So happy. Yelling "mommy!" I felt very brave. And proud.

Proud that i am teaching that it's okay to do things that scare you. To trust that the world is a wonderful place filled with many wonderful people. That you can trust in strangers. That sometimes. Sometimes it's okay to do the things that terrify you just to say that you did it.

Nobody in my family wanted me to go to chicago. I almost turned around at the airport.

But. I went.

I wasn't very social. I did my best. I talked and hugged and clung on to things and people that made it a little easier.

I got this email today. It made me very happy:

usually, i'm in my own little world, oblivious of all the blogs out there via the black hole of the internet and truly am not looking to be a supernova.

however, i do notice people. i noticed you quite a few times, standing alone, having a cigarette or walking off to the side to be by yourself. i always smiled, because that's what i do when feeling awkward. i had no clue about your history before coming to the conference and always wanted to come up and say hi, but i didn't. mostly because, i just felt unsure. mostly of myself.

i just wanted you to know, there are other people out there who empathize with your life. i'm one of them. there is really no need to go into a long, diagramming dissertation of why, but just know, i wanted to meet you and i'm truly sorry, i didn't.

a very sincere, good luck with your progress.

And so after the dust settles. People have made their complaints. Petty battles have been waged. I will still have a wonderful memory of the bravest thing i ever did.

Thank you BlogHer and everybody even if it cost me six cold sores.

Gosh. What a weekend.

I have to say i felt very overwhelmed most of the time. And i did it all without anxiety medication.

Happily embraced by some. Awkwardly avoided by others.

I am only going to say this once - i'm sorry if i've made you uncomfortable. But this is my life. I will not apologize for who i am or the things i have done.

I met and met again some wonderful women. Friends. I couldn't have done it without them.

I couldn't have done it without jen. My roomie, my friend, my kindred spirit. The one who understood when i disappeared from parties. Brought me coffee. Just let me be.

The conference was great. The sessions i attended were great. The speakers engaging and full of useful information.

Again, being the geeky eco-conscious country girl, i was alarmed by the lack of recycling and general waste i saw. Swag bags tossed in the garbage. Mass consumption of free goods that will later be tossed out. Personally, i would rather see all the money that goes into the swag being used to fund the BlogHers Act initiative. As priviledged north americans do we really need more stuff just for the sake of "freebies"? Nothing is free. When i see knick-knacks and mass produced plastic crap it makes me think of who and what has suffered to produce them.

Chicago is a beautiful city, but the fact that they do not have recycling is shameful at best and criminal in it's self-indulgent lack of global thought.

The closing session was a keynote with Elizabeth Edwards. I really had no idea who she was until the conference. I walked out as i am unimpressed with being a campaign stop for an american politician who is too chicken to legalize gay marriage. Correct me if i'm wrong, but that's what i heard her saying. The whole "wife of the future president" thing is nauseating too.

It was not a topic of interest to me as a canadian.

Then we went to a cocktail party at the childrens museum where i had too much free wine because i had had enough of being surrounded by hundreds of people. Then a small sushi dinner with Lisa Stone who is an amazing woman.

Jen and i went to the Art Institute today which was spiritual. I had no idea walking in that i was going to see works by every famous artist who ever exisited. It was the perfect anti-conference thing to do.

Jen left in the afternoon which was tearful and sad. I adore her.

I wandered the city for hours and enjoyed an armenian dinner on my own. In the morning i'm going to shop a little. Check out the apple store and see if they can fix my iPod. Then home again.

That's my big recap.

This year i don't feel like going home and having a nervous breakdown. This is my year of new beginnings.

What a day.

I spent much of my day alone out on the pier smoking (yes i do that on occasion.)

I attended half a session on branding where they said you had to sum your blog up in five words. Hmm. What would i say? Today? I would say i attempted suicide live on the internet. And now you are all here to see me in person and witness what i look like. Stand back.

I had lunch and a long chat with Leah Peterson which was amazing. My trip was made perfect at that point. I love her.

Then the obligatory mommyblogger panel. It was good. MochaMomma made a well deserved stink about race and inclusion. I stood up and shakily commented about the divide between moms with babies/toddlers and moms with older children.

Then a dinner with Style magazine. Ick. They dumped my purse and "organized" it for me and now i can't find anything. I skipped out on that.

And! And my luggage is here. It went to hawaii and back. Lucky bugger.

I have my period and left my tampons (except for a few travel ones) in my luggage and so got to borrow tampons from Ariel Meadow-Stallings and Sarcastic Journalist.

Good night dirty undies. Hello luggage.

Well, here we are. I am feeling completely overwhelmed. So many people. So many people that know about me. I don't know about them.

This is an interesting place to be. The ultimate in facing the reality of my shared personal experience.

I know you. You're the one that tried to commit suicide three weeks ago. Step away.

What a day. !3 hours of travel. Luggage lost. Really lost. I think it's in spain.

But, here i am. I made it to the fancy schmancy cocktail party with my travelling clothes and smelly armpits.

Sarcastic Journalist called me a lesbian, Table for Five gave me her cell phone # so she could watch out for me, i paid $12 for a mojito, i am sleeping in Jen's jammies, i met blackbird - we knew each other right away, i am waiting for some pasta from room service as i haven't eaten a bite all day because i will not pay to eat crap food on an airline.

I'm stubborn that way.

Conference tomorrow.

I am stuck in toronto. Stupid chicago weather.

May I ask more - I haven't read all of your blog - but can you tell me about your extended family and in-laws. What are they like? Do they love close-by? Who is your favourite person in the world (apart from hubby and kids) - and why?

My in-laws live about two hours away by car and ferry. They are amazing and supportive. Grandma babysits regularly.

My family lives about five hours away by car and ferry. They too are amazing. I don't talk about them out of a shared agreement.

My favourite person in the world is my pal christle. She is one of those amazing women who are caring, empathetic, funny, fun to be around, understanding and an awesome parent. She is even the guardian of my kids. She is my only real and honest friend around here.

What is it that you think will help your depression if you don't believe in therapy, pills. Do you think the depression will go away on its own or that you'll learn to live with it?

I think honesty will help me. I don't like therapists because they try to fit me into a mold. It's like the educational system that is taught on a median. It works for most of the kids. I am not like other people and all the talk in the world won't make me open up to a complete stranger. That takes years.

I am still on medication.

I don't think it will go away on it's own - well it could. But, i am working hard to improve the life around me. How i see and hear the world. My expectations. Everything. I am in no way leaning back hoping for help to come to me. I have a lot to live for. I want to live for. I am going to be better.

I am off like a dirty shirt at 5am tomorrow and due to arrive in Chicago around 7pm. Regularly scheduled navel gazing will be interrupted by gossip and snap judgments based solely on appearance.

Okay, here we go. You guys have been tough on me.

First from flippy

"Are you still drinking a lot?"

Why no. Shane confronted me several weeks ago about my drinking. I have family members who are alcoholics. I am very aware of this trait in me. I like to drink. And now that i have no secrets from anybody i will tell you that i spent most of my winter and spring months drinking in a desperate attempt to self-medicate. It came to a point where i was hiding my drinking from shane and my family.

We have talked about it. A Lot. I have not quit drinking all together. But, i am very aware of every drink i take. I am trying my best to be a better person. I am not drinking in excess.

That is the best i can give you right now.

2. From my fourth floor friend Jessica "How are you really doing? Honestly and truthfully?"

I am doing okay. I am saddened by the loss of friendship my suicide attempt has caused. That has been the most difficult. I am really, honestly, feeling better than i have in a long time.

I am not seeing a psychiatrist. I am seeing my family doctor twice a week and going to marriage counseling. I have not changed my medication ( 15mg of cipralex/daily) and have been refused any other anti-anxiety medications. My pharma-network whatever has an alert on it and i cannot have any medication without doctors permission.

Today? I will not kill myself.

3. From blackbird What's your favorite ice cream?

I don't like sweets. A new thing this year. I think it's chemical. But, my old time favourite was Green Tea.

4. Do you believe in heaven, an afterlife, God? - from Susan

No. I don't. I have never been to church, except for funerals. I have read the bible. Although it is hard for me to comprehend that this is it, i have been through many near death experiences with family members and friends. I just didn't see it. When i almost died i didn't see it.

I believe that we are here on earth for a reason. That we have energy. Positive energy comes back. I guess i believe in karma. I hate to think that my children, that i, am gone when we are gone. But i do.

I do, however, believe that while we are here we can make a profound difference. Whether it be by stopping wrongs, recycling, being positive, defending others, living an honest and positive life, being kind to others, loving. I am a positive person. I love people. I believe in an honest life. I believe in kindness.

I do not, however, believe in god. There is too much suffering in this world. I'm sorry for that.

5. Are you still seeing a therapist? Is your heart really open to getting help or do you feel a general distrust of the process and doing it to appease others? Also, if you don't mind, I'd really like to know if your older children (especially your oldest girl) are talking to a counselor.

No i am not seeing a therapist. I am seeing my family doctor weekly and i am attending marriage counseling.

I do not believe in the process and i am doing it to make my husband happy.

My children are not seeing a counselor.

I would like to be clear that they were not here the night i overdosed. They were all away with family. They do not know what happened. They know i suffer from depression and that sometimes it becomes too much and i need to see a doctor/hospital to make me feel better and change my medication.

6. Do you like shoes? from schmutzie./ I love her.

I love shoes. I have recently embraced high heels. I have three pairs. Two of which i will be sporting in Chicago. My favourites are my Earth shoes.

7. How can I help? from my friend Ade.

You can't. Being here. Every comment is wonderful and nice. Someone who has known me so long. My Sparks purse, which i carry everywhere. It's perfect.

8. How's Toby? from ellen.

Toby is perfect. He rubs my back. He tells me he loves me. He needs me more than ever. He is on the verge of learning to read. He tries hard. He needs me. I am doing my best. I worry all the time,

9. Do you think that if you worked outside of the home it might help? How much do the kids understand/know and is counselling helping them to deal with their emotions?

I am looking for a job.

I'm pooped. You have exhausted me.

I will tell you this about my softball weekend. It was fun. Super fun. I won a trophy - "Most Inspirational Female." I haven't won anything since i was a kid. It felt nice.

I am tired of everyone worrying about me. Seeing them talk in hushed words to my husband. Being judged for my actions, having my actions judged.

Suddenly playing lots of softball makes me manic or lacking moderation.

I have always been an over-achiever. I like to do the things i like. I like to do them a lot.

I need help writing.

What do you want to know? Go ahead throw me your worst. I'll answer as many questions as i can. Send em in via comments.

Life has been a rollercoaster. In a good way.

I have been working hard on fixing things. Making this life worth living. For me. I've got the kid thing down. I know they are happy. Criticism of my parenting skills will not bother me. They are happy - sometimes bored, sometimes sad, sometimes very noisy - but, at the end of every single day i know they are happy. Having me as their mother may be difficult at times, but i pour everything i have into this mommy gig.

Now i need to do the same for me.

In the past week shane and i have spent long, difficult moments talking about our relationship. A week ago i was ready to move out. Even finding a house to rent. Then we started talking about all the problems with our marriage. We agreed to go to counseling. We agreed that we still loved each other. We agreed this is worth fixing. Or, at least, trying to fix.

In all that talking we have become happy again. The problems are still there. But owning up to them. Not sweeping them under the carpet. Saying the words out loud. Doing those things has made the mountain seem a little bit more like a mole hill.

You can fix what's not broken.

This weekend in an effort to push my body to it's limit i will be playing nine softball games in two days at our annual tournament. Then softball will be over for another year.

This is my very favourite video ever made. It looks exactly how my weekend will look. Except for the rain.

Our day by Tristan:

7:30 - wake up
7:45 - go on computer
8:30 - have Sugar Crisp for breakfast
9:00 - watch TV
10:00 - play Yu-gi-oh with Toby
10:30 - bounce on trampoline
11:00 - have quick shower
11:30 - bounce on trampoline
12:00 - lunch
12:30 - quick bounce
12:45 - get bathing suit and stuff
1:00 - go to lake

Our conversation today:

"Do you understand what happened to me? Why i was in the hospital?"

"You are depressed."

"What does that mean?"

"That you are sad about nothing in particular."

"You know it's not your fault?"

"You know it's not your fault?"

"Yes, i do. It's okay to be angry with me."

"I'm not angry with you. I'm sad for you."

"Don't be sad for me. I love you. It won't happen again."

"I know. I'll love you better."

"Me too."

And i'm gonna go.

I'll be the one with dirty feet and no pedicure - well some month old blue polish chipping away.

First of all i owe thanks to so many people for big and small contributions which paid for a full conference pass. My dad bought me an airline ticket with his points. And my fabulous food stealing partner-in-crime Jenijen is putting me up in a hotel. All i need is spending money and i'm good to go.

Thank-you all so much. Really.

I know it seems odd, at the very least, or more probably crazy that i'm taking off less than three weeks after my "incident," but i really need to do this. For me.

For me. There i said it. I am doing this for myself. And nothing anyone says can stop me. I never do anything just for me. Despite the bad timing, despite my recent "incident" - i deserve this.

It has been a strange and difficult week. Hardest has been the often harsh and sometimes cruel judgement people have made about me. Friends not able to speak to me. I have been hanging low, sleeping lots, drinking lots of water and playing as much softball as possible. Plus, hours spent talking, playing and hugging my kids. They are going to be okay.

I have been melancholy. Not in a bad way. I honestly feel like the bottom has been reached. Smashed headfirst into. I have nowhere to go but up. It is a great feeling. Every day feels full of hope because it cannot possibly be as bad as last saturday.

Last saturday. It seems very far away. I never thought i could ever reach that point of despair. I never thought i'd be in a place where nurses needed to remind me to breathe.

Thank you all so very, very much for your kind words. Really.

It has helped.

jess
xxoo

I have very vague memories of what happened saturday night. I do remember being loaded in the ambulance and as it pulled away the paramedic standing over me yelled for the driver to turn it up to level 1.

Then i have this foggy memory that, as cliché as it sounds, was an out of body experience. I was watching as the very large paramedic lay over top of me, trying to control a seizure and put an I.V. in. I had blood dripping down my arm from several failed attempts. Then he screamed that my pupil was blown.

I sat there thinking "that means i'm dead. right?" I remember seeing that on television.

And then i thought.

I thought, "i'm not scared."

I wasn't thinking of any kind of god. I was thinking of my children. How i had really screwed up this time. I had destroyed everything i loved.

Then for a brief moment i was in the emergency screaming. And i was scared.

And then it was morning and i woke up. Battered and bruised. But alive.

My life is, obviously, a mess. My marriage is under incredible stress. People don't know how to act around me. They don't even want to talk to me.

Except my kids. They are happy i am here. I am happy to be here. I am worried about the consequences my actions will have on them. I hope that with time they will understand.

Dear world,

I wish i could tell you everything is okay. All these months i have wished and hoped for wellness. I have gone about it in all the wrong ways. I have abused my body and my brain in an attempt to achieve numbness.

Instead my life snowballed into a searing pain that i felt i couldn't escape from.

On saturday night i attempted suicide by an overdose of prescription medicine. Luckily, while semi-conscious i called a friend who sent an ambulance. I had many seizures and came incredibly close to being successful.

I am thankful that i am still here. I am scared for what the future holds. My secret is out.

As i lay in my hospital bed all i could think of was my children and what an idiot i was. When i was swallowing the pills all i could think about was them. Somehow rationalizing that they would be okay. When i woke up i was so happy, so blessed that i could see another day. See my children again.

I am sorry for those of you i have worried. I am going to recoup, regroup and get my shit together.

jess
xxoo

Softball.

I am finding myself in such a strange place. I suppose it's all this introspection. All the therapy.

I just don't want to talk to anybody. I crave solitude. I just want to be alone. To deal with my demons without the harsh eye of loved ones. I don't want to be loved. The crushing responsibility of it.

Being cared about means you have to step up. You can't destroy yourself.

The kids and i have been having wonderful days. More time in the water than out. Summer days make me happy.

If i could just live through the nights. If i could find a way to talk about my murky thoughts. I wish i was easier to live with. I wish life could be so simple as building sandcastles faster than the breaking tide.

In my world crap is not a swear word. It's a state of mind.

Summer is nice. I like the kids around. The chaos. The disorganized schedules. Sleeping in. Running out the door with a cooler full of snacks - waiting for the day's adventure to begin. Freckles blooming.

I am constantly surrounded by children. It lets my mind roll around in childhood bliss while the kids are awake. I forget who i am for moments and hours at a time.

Then, at night; while the house sleeps the deep sleep of days filled with constant action, i sit and i think. I feel. I feel the small tingles in my brain that remind me of the poison i take to try and contain the swell of depression and anxiety. I sit lonely.

I resist bed. My sleep filled with twitches and anxiety fueled dreams that leave me sweaty and tired in the morning. I resist running out the door. Driving around desperately searching for myself. Where have i gone? When did i lose myself. When did i lose my fierce optimism. When did i become disenchanted by life in general. Who am i going to be when my kids are grown. Who will i talk to.

What will i be when i am old.

Best weekend in such a long time. Such a long time.

I love music. I love the music i love. It dominates my life. I carry my iPod from home to car, car to home. I gave up on kids music years ago.

Yesterday when i told tristan we were going to see band of horses she said "oh, i love them - you're so lucky!"

I did feel lucky. I haven't been out to a show (other than shane's band) for ten years. It felt like no time had passed. There were still people i knew. New friends to meet (Ada and Andrea and my UVic friend.)

Women who have shared my life with me. Meeting them in person.

Hearing the music that i listened to in my hospital bed.

It was amazing. It was, cliche as it sounds, life changing.

When they played the songs that have been the soundtrack to my life i very nearly wept. I wanted to fall down and cry the tears. The tears that have been waiting. Waiting inside me. Listening to them sung so loudly, so beautifully. It was nearly too much.

And then we wandered the streets of victoria. No curfew. Nothing. We walked and we talked.

It was the most perfect evening i can remember. I am so thankful that there are bands like Band of Horses.

Beautiful music.