six feet under

Let down your Mask Jess, you can't live a lie, can't pretend that everything is ok when it isn't. I've been there, it absolutely does not work.

I wish that life would give you a break, just a tiny one, even small and seemingly insignificant. You deserve it Jess, if you would just believe that.

Maybe now is the time to get back in touch with the therapist...maybe not, I don't have all the answers, am not trying to seem like I do. I just want you to know that I care about you.

Be kind to yourself Jess

Long time lurker just wanting to send hugs your way.

This is what I know you're going to do: You will do the things you need to do to ensure the health and happiness of the treasures of your life - your wonderful, wonderful, children. Because for all that you berate yourself, one thing is crystal clear to all of us who read this blog: You're an *amazing* Mum and you love your kids with your deepest soul. This new thing - it could be a temporary hiccup in your relationship with your husband, or it could be the end. It could also be a new beginning. Your love will carry you through. Sending you hugs and a lot of hope. Hang in there, Jess!

I don't comment often Jess, because usually, I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry about that; I shouldn't avoid your blog when you need help the most.
Maybe your husband is just overwhelmed, as you are, and doesn't know how to 'fix' things. They always just want to fix things . . things that often times can't be fixed.
Maybe take some time for just you and him (if you can) and really try to focus on just your relationship.

Listen to these friends - I think they are right.

I never know what to say, but I'm here...

You don't even know me, but I'm praying for you and your family. Hold on.

I hope that you can work through this. It seems that your relationship needs some undivided attention. Maybe even some therapy together?

Oh, Jess. Nobody can diagnose someone else's relationship. Take a deep breath. Wait and see. Maybe it's best to stay together, maybe it's best to be apart. At the very least you will have to remain friends to manage parenting the kids. Keep breathing. Things will bet better eventually, one way or another, and the pain will subside.

You had a fight. You wrote about it. You have him back. You got over it. You really did. I don´t think you putting it in the internet was a cry for help. This is a statement of facts, and as you said, you can always remove it. Nobody is perfect, Jess, no relationship is. I have been here for a long while, and this is the first time you really say it aloud: we had a fight. God bless you, girl! This is moving on, this is part of living! Congratulations on writing on it. On not only "feeling" it but pushing it out. We only fight with those we love, those we think are worth. And these are the ones we make peace with, the ones we go back to. And here you are: going to the doctor for a difficult procedure. Taking care of the kids. That´s who you are, Jess. A strong woman.

Hold on and don't forget to breathe. You will make it through this, no matter the outcome of your relationship. You have yourself and your children and if I've learned nothing else in my journey, it's that those two things are the most valuable things in the world.

Hi Jess - I'm coming out of lurkdome to say please hang in there. I too suffer from sometimes debilitating depression and anxiety and my heart really goes out to you because I know when my husband and I fight it can really throw me for a killer tailspin. Whatever the outcome, stay strong. Breathe. Remember - you are wonderful. You are a terrific mother. Your children and this world needs you. You MATTER.

I just left him... last week. I packed up the child and hit the road. The freedom -- from him, the lies, the chronic unhappiness -- has been incredible. It's not perfect, but I love it.

Good luck to you.

He came home...marriage is more than just what we want in the moment and it seems that both you and your husband know that, you have made it this far. Prayers are with you and your family. You are still here writing and being authentic which is so inspiring.

Is he overwhelmed and worn down from dealing with your depression? Does he just need a break?
Or is your depression partly because you have been emotionally abused by him?
Or is your depression causing you to see signs in him that are not really there? And to push him away?
All of these would be common patterns. I don't know the truth. But if you want to talk, I am here.

I am compelled to comment. My sister is also in the middle of this push-pull in her marriage caused by her inability to stop using and drinking. It is not fair and not necessary - Please find a therapist so that you can talk to a person who can sort the facts from the fiction and help you make it work. Breath my friend and thank you for being so honest.

You are in my thoughts. I currently wrote about some marriage *issues* on my blog.I was uneasy about posting it all on the internet....but you know what? I got support. It is helping me move forward. You have my support. You don't know me from Adam, but I am here for you if you need to vent. :)

My husband has been dealing with depression since long before we got married. I will say it is the biggest third party I never could have imagined in our marriage. When he's OK and getting help, we're OK. When he's not OK, nothing is good, nothing is hopeful. I don't know Shane so I can't say what he feels, and I barely know you, Jess, but my gut feeling is that a big part of this crash is the end of your childbearing years, and the need to close that chapter and move towards all the many more years of mothering, and then seeing your kids become the people they're meant to be, and having them come back and be your dearest friends. That's really a guess, and one based on my own experiences. But it's a huge leap forward- one in which perhaps your marriage will be reinvented. Get the help you need personally, and perhaps even better help would come if you went in as a couple. That might be something new and something that sheds different light on all the muck.

Either way, I'm pulling for you, thinking of you, and watching all this unfold with a heavy heart. It will get better- but motherhood can be so goddamn lonely without a partner.

I love you, Jess.

I'm reading too, Jess, although many times I just don't know what to say. Hang in there love...

Old friend, longtime lurker, first (and only) poster.

What do you want Jess?
What is important to you?

Your Kids, Your Husband, Your happiness, Your Family, Your House. This sounds like a time to really take stock.

No correct answer here, it is YOUR life.

Are you a victim or an active participant in your life?

Surely you and your husband have had discussions.
Did you know the answer to your question before you asked it?

Lots of ways to fix things, you can rip it down and replace it, or you can fix it, one board at a time.

Nobody on this blog is going to be able to help you. If that was not the case, you would be better by now. As far as I can see things have just deteriorated.

Why did your Therapist break up with you?
Did you ask that question?
What did you do to find some other help?
Victoria must have 100+ therapists.

You will probably pull this comment down, I understand.
I just had to say it - I am not being a prick, I am watching your boat fill with water, about to tip over - everyone is watching, but you are the only one who can help yourself.

you are the only one who can help yourself.

This isn't the Truman Show...

Give yourself a big hug, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get professional help. For everybody's sake -- you, your husband, your kids, your family -- get help. **LET** someone who knows what they're doing help you.

we are all here, some of us dont know what to say, but we are thinking of you and praying for you.

I agree with Jonathan. I know you can do this Jess!!

I agree with Jonathan. I know you can do this Jess!!

Living with a depressed person is hard because, if you don't know how to describe what you're going through...one is even more in the dark. It's a powerless feeling. Being powerless isn't something that women LIKE or ENJOY but it is something we KNOW. Men hate it even more. Women are taught from Day One that life is mostly about making sure that the people around you are happy. Men aren't taught that, because they're brought up to seek out what makes them happy or gives them pleasure. We were given dolls and then asked, "Is your doll hungry?", "Is your doll sleepy?" and we had to see if it was so. Boys weren't given anything to look after. Trucks to wheel around. Guns to shoot. It's the rare man who will live a life that isn't about him 80 percent of the time. It's why Religious Fundamentalism has reared it's monstrous and ugly head all over this planet once again. It's why so many men leave when they get a girlfriend pregnant. It's why they leave when their wives get breast cancer. Many men have no concept of being "the second banana". Parents didn't raise them to be that way, society doesn't send them that message and life experiences don't prepare them for it.

I know you would never CHOOSE to live life as a depressed person. No one would. Shane needs to recognize this and deal with it. I'm thinking about you.

Are you still up?

Get a fucking grip. Stop whining and taking it out on everyone else. Do you think ANYone wants to be around someone that talks about this shit as much as you do? Sad people talk about sad things. bored people are boring.

Your husband is not going to solve your emotional complications. He can fix the sink and change oil in the car, that's what men do. Women need to connect sexually with men before they can even begin to hope for some "communication".

The best your going to get is someone that stays around, that's all anybody needs is someone to be waiting on the other side. "Love" will not endure a crushing emotional strain forever. It's a two way street and right now you are all take.

btw lurkers, you are not helping. This is only one side of the story, a warped perspective from someone that flaunts the depression she is dealing with. Have you ever seen a post by hubby? By sending "hugs and support" or "he needs to deal with it" this is succumbing to "I cant help myself, what could I have done?".

BULLSHIT. ONLY YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF. MAKE A DECISION TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AND STICK WITH IT FOR FUCK SAKE!

Hi!I like it here.what is going on guys???