same ghost every night

It seems that the bear has moved into my yard. Sightings are a near daily experience. He's darn cute and grumpy. If you yell at him to "shoo" or bang pots and pans he looks up from whatever delicacy he's found to munch on, gives a little grunt and continues his solitary foraging. I kind of like this new creature wandering around, keeping us hostage in our house.

Tristan, toby and eliza are busily planning their massive birthday party. I have been so busy with school stuff that i have let them create this monster that i have no way to get out of. They are each inviting fifteen kids - that makes 45! - with three friends each spending the night. I figure i'll get it all over with in one day. One very crazy day.

I haven't really thought about it. I am living life one day at a time right now. Good days, follow bad days. They seem to be evening out. Every day that goes by and i continue on this sole searching journey i understand a little bit more about myself. The things i need to change, the things i can change and the things i want to change.

I think the biggest understanding i have come to with my heart and my head is that this is all up to me. My problems are my own. Not yours. Not my families. They are mine and nobody, but me, can try and make all this a little better.

As this year of depression comes to a close i can't believe the way sadness has no bottom. Just as i think i can't feel any worse, that i can't handle anymore, something else comes along and i sink even lower. But, every morning when parker wakes up with his sweet little stretches and moans beside me and his "i yove you's" and kisses right smack on the lips i can feel my resolve, my strength, my incredible love. They have gotten me through.