i ain't got the time

There are so many things they never told me about being a mother. It started with pregnancy. All the bumps and bruises. And the skin tags. Had you asked me ten years ago what a skin tag was i would have looked at you with a deer in the headlights stare. Something like "a tattoo?"

I've been feeling like my life is like a stack of cards. A supreme tower. And someone has removed a crucial card. The one that is holding the whole thing together.

I've been in a state of flux since being in the hospital. Feeling like every move i make is judged. Is she okay? Don't upset her. Is she losing it?

I don't think that is ever going to change now. I've become special. Different. The people that know keep me at a distance now. Afraid. Mental illness is scary.

I feel like i've fucked it all up. My perfect life. I've become untrustable.

I can't be trusted with myself.

Never mind the fact that i can taste the fear. The fear of being back in the hospital. Losing my children. I can no longer just be moody. PMS is a spark of depression. I have to live a lie now.

I live in fear of judgment. Of loss. And this is far more depressing than life was before.

And i have these stupid spots of carcinoma. And skin tags. Just teeny, tiny little ones. I pick at them. Nervously.

Posted by Jess at 10:02 PM Permalink

Comments (7)

kerflop

I'm crap at commenting and crap at knowing what to say, but just know I'm here, reading every day and I can't wait to give you a gigantic hug at blogher.

Also, I just went to the dermatologist and got all my tags snipped off. It was nearly as life changing as the new bra.

xoxo

Posted by kerflop | June 12, 2007 05:58 AM

Heather O

I've not commented before but I've been reading for awhile. 13 months ago I publicly lost the delicate balance that I'd gotten so good at... my husband left and my world fell apart. I crashed down into this bipolar/cutter/anxiety disorder/suicidal ball of tears.

In the time since then, I have managed to regain that "looks okay from the outside" balance, though life... it's a daily struggle for me. My point? Your post today captures how I feel exactly.

My family, my friends, they all look at me like they're afraid that at any moment, I might crash down again. Opinions and decisions that I make are no longer valid, because after all, I'm crazy, didn't you hear? I wish nothing more than that I'd been able to keep my crazy from being such public knowledge.

Posted by Heather O | June 12, 2007 06:00 AM

Woman Lost

Living your life on pins and needles is so terribly hard and cruel.

I know about loss and being judged and the interesting thing is no one judges me any harshly than I judge myself.
Maybe it is time to stop judging yourself and
accept that "it" happened, and move past it.
You can not control what may happen tomorrow, but you can control what happens today.
Best of luck and peace to you.

Posted by Woman Lost | June 12, 2007 03:26 PM

Loralee

I have these same feelings. I never felt I had a perfect nor a normal life, but once something so public happens it changes everything.

I think a lot of people who experience suicidal attempts/hospitalization and/or mental illness feel the same way.

Posted by Loralee | June 12, 2007 04:13 PM

Yayagirl

jess...pms is a spark for depression for me as well. with this illness, pms is magnified. just as you start feeling 'well' mid month, pms kicks in for 10 days before your period actually starts and it's a circle of anxiety and downs all over. i'm trying to keep this in mind and keep my stress down . i am relying on chuck alot at stressful or busy times to help me through. i hope you can do the same.

i also know the stigma that comes along with the illness. people are probably not looking at you that way as much as you think but i do know what you mean. it seems like you approach the school in the morning with concerned looks on the parents' faces, 'how is she today?' etc...asking you questions about how you've been doing. because they know. you know what though? they'd do that if you had cancer too. just remember, you have an illness and people care about you. they aren't judging you, thinking you're a bad mom or can't be trusted, they are 'most likely' just concerned about you because they care.

try to keep all that in mind. it's hard, i know.

Posted by Yayagirl | June 13, 2007 10:15 AM

christle

What are skin tags anyway? People aren't looking at you funny because of THAT...it's the low cut t-shirts with no bra that's getting 'em.

Posted by christle | June 13, 2007 08:09 PM

Betty

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Posted by Betty | July 17, 2007 06:37 PM